Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sorry for the disappearance

So sorry for disappearing like that. Depression sets in quickly and overwhelms me so all I can do is ride it out. I've finally learned that trying to fight it only makes it last longer. I've also learned that blogging while in a depression pit alienates people and makes me look like an ass so I decided to leave the pity party private and just remain silent.

Believe me, you're all better off not knowing who was invited to my pity party. And so are they.

So now I'm on the other side and digging into clutter, throwing stuff away relentlessly and hoping to get back on track. I suspect having many cold, gray days with the curtains closed to keep the cold out and the heat in contributed to the depression so I'm enjoying the sunny and warmer days we've been having. Getting outside helps, too.

We're having tacos today so I'm soon off to make tortillas. After catching up on the checkbook and the bills (and after having a near otherworld experience when I wrote the check for groceries and my prescriptions Wednesday) it's obvious I'm just not doing enough. Since groceries are the only thing that's flexible right now, that's where we'll have to work harder. I did buy extras when I found a good deal so that accounts for some of the sticker shock. Also, Zach needed new jeans for when Tom fixes the truck and he can go look for a job. But that was only $8 so that's not a huge portion.

No, my prescriptions, even with using StuffMart, are still a major monthly bill for us. I saw the rheumatologist yesterday and she commented on the number of pills I take a day. I'm thinking that my doctor might possibly be overprescribing me. But it's also obvious that she thinks I need them so I should work harder on those things I can do to reduce or get me off of at least some of them. I know there are some I will take for my aromasin, for my breast cancer. And most likely the blood pressure meds. It's in my family history so unlikely that even losing weight will allow me to go off of them completely. But maybe I can reduce my dosage. That would help a lot. And of course, cholesterol meds can be reduced or eliminated by diet and exercise.

However, if I start a diet regimen, I know I will quickly gain weight. I don't worry about food except to try to cook cheaper and use more real foods instead of fast or processed food so that does help. The nurse weighed me and I was reluctant to look since I was wearing two pair of pants and three shirts (we layer at home so we can keep the temp down to 60F) and I had lost weight from my physical in September. Hard to say how much since I was in shorts when I went to the drs office then but I was still a pound under what I weighed before so that must be a change. Plus I had eaten for yesterday's appointment and hadn't for my physical since I have to go in fasting.

Now I need to incorporate activity. I've been wanting to walk since the dog needs the exercise,too, but we live on the side of a pretty steep hill and the sidewalks are treacherous with melting snow and ice. I've got a step so I could do that while reading or watching tv. And I've got some walking dvds I could use, too (although they are boring). I just need to get to it.

My computer desk is now visible. Various correspondence and bills were cluttering it badly and since that's where I keep my meds, it was hard to find them all the time. Much better now although it did take a considerable amount of time to clean it since every piece of paper had to be scrutinized in order not to throw away something important.

Last night we didn't watch Farscape but I watched some stuff I had on tape and I noticed that Evita and The Chosen were OnDemand (free) so I watched those while unraveling the left front of my cardigan. The patterns on the cardigan and part of the cabled pullover were similar: only differing on one row. Yep...I had been using the cabled pullover pattern for the cardigan so I had to rip back to the ribbing. Dang! I had the pocket knitted in and all the buttonholes so nicely spaced.

But, being a process knitter and not a project knitter, it didn't devastate me. I merely move on.

Tonight, though, will be Farscape if I can drag Zach out of his room. I also got Brides of Christ from the library. I love this mini series. Australian productions are amazing. I wish I could find more of them.

And I just noticed that the last season of Farscape is in at the library so I'll need to head there tomorrow. Just the library though.

I hope to make it to church Sunday. I must make it there. I hate it that I've missed two weeks in a row. I'm just not dealing with the cold as well this winter. I don't know why.

Off to make tortillas. Tomorrow will probably be egg noodles. I'm going to have to be more creative with meals, using smaller portions of meat. And I wish I could get by with fewer trips to the store. Or at least shop with blinders on.


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