Thursday, May 29, 2008

Will the whining never end?

I should get my replacement spindle tomorrow so I can get back to spinning. I hope I can improve my spinning as well. I have so little confidence in myself that I just don't seem to improve and I don't know how to get the confidence I need.


Seems like a vicious cycle. I need confidence in order to do the things I want to do but in order to get the confidence I need, I need confidence so I can do the things that would inspire my confidence.

I think I'm on the cusp of understanding it all. I just need a few more days on ginko.

If I can remember to take it.

Got a call from the hospital today over an eleven year old bill I've been faithfully paying on. They want it paid off by the end of the year. That's what they said 7 years ago. I honestly can't pay them more than I am now. I had emergency gall bladder surgery in the interim between insurance companies. The total bill was $22,000, which we have almost paid off. I'm under $1000 now. The surgeon messed up and I ended up going by ambulance to Madison for "specialized" surgery that cost an addition $8,000. And of course proving he messed up was going to cost us a lot more than we actually had. I can't begin to tell you how much we went without in order to pay that bill down so quickly.

And yet, it's not enough.

This woman called me seven years ago on the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In fact, she called about an hour after I got the diagnosis. And she still wanted me to mortgage the house in order to pay the hospital bill off. And while she didn't exactly threaten me, she did insist that we would have to go to a collection agency if we didn't pay it off.

Throughout all my treatment, and the difficulty in paying for the medications I needed, the gas money for trips to treatment, we never missed a payment.

I told her to do what she had to do but I couldn't pay more than I already am. If we go to a collection agency, we go to a collection agency. Nothing I can do about it.

We got Zach's financial aid package in with a few days to spare. Now we just wait for the school to let us know. I sure hope we get some help this year.

Not much knitting going on. I just don't have my mojo back yet. I've been knitting on the baby sweater but I need to do something that actually uses my brain instead of knitting in automatic.

And I seem to be having a setback on my spring cold. I'm through with the head cold/sinus infection portion and now am hacking with a deep resonating cough. I just ate an orange and drank some green tea with cinnamon. This is supposed to be healthy with anti-oxidants and vitamin C.

Now I need to get some baking done and mop the kitchen floor. It's just amazing to me that the person who spills the most on the kitchen floor is the oldest person in the house.

I have a new guilty pleasure. I watched the Ghost Hunters marathon yesterday and am now hooked. I'm pretty skeptical about such things but I am curious about it all. I'm not going to jump on the ghostie bandwagon anytime soon. I already like Ghost Whisperer and Medium but that doesn't mean I believe it all.

But I do like the people and personality dynamics on GH.

Off to work now and maybe an afternoon of resting in bed, drinking tea, watching Pasion de Gavilanes, Touching Evil, and knitting. I'm really not feeling my best today.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Whine Fest

Note to self: steal camera back from Zach.

Not that there is anything to take a picture of.

I did get a lot of work done yesterday. I actually woke up feeling refreshed. That only happens a couple of times a year. So I was industrious and scrubbed down the bathroom, worked on organizing the pantry, did laundry, cooked and baked and got some knitting done.

I didn't get anything planted though and it's a good thing since the temps will dive into the low 30's today. I think I should stick to my original plan not to plant before June 1.

I haven't started Pomotamus yet. I decided instead to knit a baby sweater with all the Bernat baby sport yarn I've got on hand. This is just a bobble pattern from an old booklet I've had for nearly 20 years. It's frail and I need to make copies of it before it disintegrates. I think I have enough yarn to make the bonnet and booties as well. Not the bloomers though. Although I could buy some extra to make it but that would kind of defeat the purpose of knitting up my stash.

Zach frogged his hat and gave me the yarn. I have 7 ounces of Cascade 220 and would love to knit a shawl but I don't think that's nearly enough yarn. I wonder if I can get close to the dye lot if I went back to the lys. Again...not knitting from the stash though.

Good news though. Tom's work gave him a $15 gas card and the guy he gives a ride to has agreed to pay a gallon of gas a day. It's been costing us between $60-75 a month to give this guy a ride but Tom wouldn't ask him to pony up any money. Until I showed him how much it was costing us. I get tired of being accused of spending too much money when he won't acknowledge how much he spends each week.

And believe me, I don't "blow" money at all. On the rare occasion I go to the movies, I go to the matinee, don't buy any snacks and pack a lunch to eat in the car afterwards. Rarely I will buy a $5-7.50 dvd from the bin in the center aisle. I haven't bought yarn in months. He griped because Zach took the money he made from saving cans to buy himself a desk chair. He's been doing his school work on a folding chair for years and really wanted a new, comfortable chair to sit in. This one was on sale, $30 off. Tom was annoyed that he "blew" his money on that. And a pair of new shoes. His shoes had holes in them. I paid Zach back for the shoes.

Tom complained that Zach spent his money on video games (one or two a year at most) so when he spends his money on reasonable things, he still complains.

I've stopped buying snacks and am cooking and baking from scratch, using about 3 ounces of meat in the casseroles I've been making. I make a meal out of one chicken breast.

Yet, he spends money to take vacations up north or go down to Kentucky to babysit his brother after his surgery. He spends money on hunting and fishing stuff, including the week he spends up north at Thanksgiving.

He won't let me spend any money on the upkeep and decorating of the house. The water heater is leaking in the basement (he insists it's the roof that's leaking since the chimney is next to the water heater, but since we went through a long dry spell last summer it was hard for him to explain the puddle of water on the floor around the water heater.) I have to spend money on stuff and he gets mad saying that we spend too much money. By "we" he means "me."

And last night he whined that we don't have any company and never go anywhere or do anything. I used to beg him to do things with us. He couldn't be bothered. He didn't want to go to church events with us...never mind going to church, he still could have attended picnics and stuff. The only people he has even wanted to socialize with for the past 10 years has been his family. And no one else. I just don't invite him to go with us anymore. But he's mad because I won't go to family functions with him. I really don't enjoy them at all.

Okay this has become a whine fest so I'll quit. But I won't erase. I just don't care anymore.

I'm off to Beaver Dam (the big city) to return library books, buy milk and put some money in the bank. I know we have a library here and it may come to having to use it but it's not as user friendly as the one in BD and not open as much. The hours for it aren't really convenient for me. Even if I were up to riding my bike, there's no place around here to ride it. This town is set up around one major road, which divides into two major roads in the middle of town. And on our side of town none of the side streets go all the way through town. Eventually you have to get on the highway. And we have a lot of truck traffic so it's dangerous to try to ride your bike in town.

And riding it on HWY 33 is definitely not safe. Someone wrote a letter in the BD paper talking about the number of bicyclists who have been hit or nearly hit riding there.

I know I can barely drive from point A to point B without a close call because of people crossing the center line or coming up on me like I was sitting still (and me wondering if they were going to notice the car in front of them). In many cases these people are on cell phones or are digging into something on the seat next to them, or talking to someone else in the car.

No wonder Zach can't conquer his fears and get his license.

Speaking of which, Stephen isn't speaking to me over our disagreement on the nature of OCD. He doesn't believe it's a mental illness. He thinks people with OCD can just get over their fears and that I'm babying Zach by not forcing him to get his license. Never mind what the psychiatric community thinks. He knows better.

This is the kind of prejudice we've had to overcome with other family members as well.

Well, I'm off for sure this time.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

Please don't rain on my parade

It's finally warm but cloudy and the little tornado drawing is on the screen of local stations. Nuh uh!!! Not on my first day of warm! I did overdress for church a bit and was a tad warm but it was tolerable.

Guess how much knitting I got done yesterday. None. Zero. Nada. Zip. Darn the internet. I found a game that required me to find missing items, compare two pictures and find the difference, and solve puzzles. It was very Harry Potterish...with the magic school looking nearly identical to Hogwarts. I can't remember the name of it but it didn't have a save option so I stuck it out until nearly midnight when I won the game.

And nearly blinded myself in the process.

Not to mention a headache from eye strain.

And I only got about two hours sleep last night. Tom is up pottering about on Saturday nights and kept coming into my room and shutting off my television. On my insomnia nights, I need that tv on and have told him but he still shuts it off. Him coming into my room generally wakes me up anyway and shutting the tv off definitely does. Will he stop doing it? I doubt it.

So I listened to him banging around in the kitchen this morning about 20 minutes before my alarm was due to go off. Don't you just hate it when someone wakes you up minutes before you're supposed to get up?

Zach and I went to see Prince Caspian last week. There were three of us in the theater for the matinee. I was surprised but considering school is still in session I guess it's not unusual. I loved it. We were critiquing it (in a good way) all the way home and Zach suddenly turned to me as if the most horrible thought came to him.

"Mom, we're totally Narnia nerds."

As if that's a bad thing.

I need to get busy in the yard. Our curb appeal is in the negative numbers. We look like our home belongs to someone from a Jeff Foxworthy comic skit. Without the car up on blocks, of course.

I wish I could get enthused about something. I feel so blah these days. I felt like this when I was on anti-depressants...just uninspired and so totally uncreative. What does it take to get my motivation up and running?

Well, supper is ready and I do plan on knitting on something tonight. I want to print out a pattern but Tom has been sleeping in the living room all day and while I haven't been super quiet, I have been trying to keep it down a bit. I guess I'll print it out tomorrow and just work on my woolease socks tonight.

Ailsa, thanks for caring. I wondered if I would ever get back to the blog at all. I've got another one set up that is designed to be more for non-knitting blogging but since there is nothing in my brain, I can't find anything to put into it. It will be by invitation only, I think since I will be writing some of my fiction there and don't want to find it published under someone else's name in the future. It's a shame so much of that goes on out there.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

Starting over

My mind has just been in meltdown for the past day week month year. I've been doing mental exercises trying to get it back, like...watching Spanish telenovelas. You laugh, but I don't speak Spanish so it really is an exercise for my brain. When I was homeschooling Zach we did a Spanish course and watched Telemundo to further enhance our Spanish-speaking experiences and found Pasion de Gavilanes. Well, it's on Telemundo again and I decided to try to learn a bit of Spanish along the way. I got my old college textbook out (I dropped the course because with my fibrofog, I wasn't able to do it) and have been watching with the close captioning on. Supposedly you can watch cc3 in English but none of my televisions have that capability so I watch in Spanish. I'm amazed at how much I'm able to comprehend. I have the basic story line down but none of the nuances.

Tom walked in while I was watching and Juan was walking around in all his bare chest-iness and Tom wryly mentioned that he now knew why I was watching Spanish soap operas. I didn't tell him that Mario Cimarro who plays Juan, is one year older than my oldest son. Besides, I'm so busy reading the close captioning, I don't pay any attention to his virile chest and long gorgeous locks of hair. Really.

He's also on another soap but I can only keep up with one at a time.

I decided to get my kick spindle out and get busy with my Sheep & Wool festival roving. And broke it. I just ordered a new spindle for it since I don't think Tom will ever get around to making me another one.

I'm working on some socks. Two pair. One is just some generic Woolease, for next winter. Zach has his schedule for next semester and he has three days in Fond du Lac, one day which will be about 8 hours long. I'm going to need to be warm in the car. He is going to try to drive more but isn't comfortable driving back and forth to Fond du Lac on country highways late at night. And all his FDL classes are night classes. Only one in Beaver Dam next year and that is a morning class. I think his schedule is going to be very workable.

The other pair I think will be Pomotamus. It's some plain green baby yarn so I want something well-patterned.

I need to pick up some old UFOs but my motivation of late is nearly extinct. Mostly because of the fatigue from the fibromyalgia. I have the depression under control, I think. I have a lot of projects I want to get done and no energy to do them. I hate this.

I'm looking into yet another internet thing to do to make some extra money. My mother sent me this information so I was obligated to look into it. Something is going to have to give. We won't have the money to heat the house next year because we'll have to pay so much for gas to get Tom to work and Zach to school unless I find a job of some sort. And minimum wage won't pay the gas to get to work and back.

Zach still hasn't even gotten an interview yet. Tom is going to see if he can get him an internship at his work. I can't believe Mickey D hasn't even contacted him. They're always hiring. He has excellent credentials, good attendance history at school, great references, but no work experience. He has even optioned for full time for the summer since he only has one class going on.

I need to kidnap the camera from Zach's room but he won't let me in there. I was allowed in long enough to install one (1) mini blind. He installed the other one after watching me do the first one.

I liked them so well in his room that I bought some for my bedroom and the other window in the living room. I'm not putting them on the large window though. The shade still is in good shape there so I'm not fixing what ain't broke.

I need to get some flowers planted. Tom bought me some of those carpets you put down with all kinds of seeds embedded in them. I wanted to work on my prairie garden this year but none of these are perennials, only annuals. Hardly anything I planted last year is coming up. I must have the blackest thumb out there. Even my hostas are puny and only two are even hinting at coming up. My neighbors are up and bushy already. Mine are just peaking out of the ground. And nothing of my shasta daisies from last year.

Not buying any more seeds from StuffMart again.

We bought a push reel mower to help out with the gas expense. It's not the sturdiest (won't cut dandelions) but it does cut the grass pretty well and it's so quiet. I love that. Zach actually likes cutting grass with it. The power mower was really painful on the hands.

Well, I need to actually get something done today besides laundry. Something important. Like knitting.


Thursday, May 1, 2008

We have liftoff

We ended up buying a new computer, thinking that the various components would cost more in the long run.

Unfortunately the hard drive and the dvd writer we bought for the old computer don't fit this one so if it doesn't fit Zach's computer I will try to fix the old hard drive up enough for Tom to use upstairs for playing solitaire. The new dvd writer and hard drive, I'll have Zach post at school to sell. It's a bummer but better than losing all the money.

And no Linux. I'm doing the happy dance over that one. Although Vista will take some getting used to.

At any rate, the headache is over for now...all except for paying for it.

Sigh...I need a job.

Knitting is mostly not happening. I've been on a reading and gaming kick. I think I'm about ready to pick up needles again though. I knit a mitered square last night. Just trying it out. Didn't have a pattern but I figured it out on my own. It's not hard, thankfully. I need to use up some sport weight baby yarn that is ancient. I'll use it for blankets for the Haiti project.

Well, off to pick up pizza for supper. With Tom gone not a lot of cooking has taken place.