Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Still waiting for the return of my energy

So very little goes on in my life and that bothers me to a degree. I could be doing so much more but I don't. Today was a very laid back day although I did work in the kitchen and bathroom getting some way overdue cleaning done. But nothing I should be doing.

I did some reading last night because I didn't feel like taking a lot of junk with me to the college. I finished up the second Sookie Stackhouse book, Living Dead in Dallas, mostly because I couldn't put it down. I got Coraline from the library but I watched the second disk of SG-1 instead. Well, not the whole disk. I was busy frogging the sweater again back to the same d*mned row again. This time because I knit the purl side of the moss stitch as garter stitch and didn't notice it until several rows later. I was ready to scream.

Tonight I'm going to work on something the beaded scarf. Maybe I just need to get away from it. I love the way it's turning out, with the modifications I'm making but we need some time apart...a temporary separation, if you will. Not a divorce though...we love each other too much for that. In fact, I suspect this will be my favorite project when it's all done.

Professor let out a bark last night at about 3 a.m. Very short, as if he knew he needed to stop himself. I didn't want to but I put the collar on him. It almost broke my heart, though, because he came to me when I got the collar out and let me put it on him. He tried to snuggle with me for a while, but eventually left. I found out this morning he went into Zach's room (who was still awake) and wanted in his lap. Zach took the collar off of him while he was there but when Professor wanted down, he got the collar out and Professor went to him to let him put it back on him. When he came back into bed, for the first time, putting his front paws on the side of the bed instead of using his indoor bark, I picked him up and took the collar off before putting him back into bed. He was quiet the rest of the night.

I hate doing this but he's such a yappy dog that I can't get any sleep at night and it got really bad with over 4 months of very little sleep. I wasn't functioning at all. Even now, I'm slowly getting my energy levels back. But bless his heart, he's trying hard to behave. He's so danged smart.

Tonight is Ghost Hunters and I'm a bit hesitant to even watch it after the past season's worth of next to nothing. But I'll give it a few more chances before I quit altogether. I know I'm not alone. A lot of people are ready to bail out.

Bit of a rant here. When I was at my former church it really peeved me when I would be talking to someone and another person would walk up and just interrupt the conversation with no apologies whatsoever and take over the conversation. It happened with such frequency that I got to the point I just wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. If someone initiated a conversation with me, I would attempt to be friendly but inevitably someone would interrupt again. I thought it was just me. And maybe it is. Because last night it happened at the college. I was talking to the cleaner about our pets and right in the middle of an anecdote, a student came up and just interrupted asking her to open a room for her because she left something in there. Now, I realize that the cleaner was on the clock (and she was cleaning as we spoke) but not even an apology or excuse me or anything.

Whatever happened to good manners? If I needed to speak to someone and they were involved in a conversation, I would wait a discreet distance away and wait for an opening. If it was really important and couldn't wait, I would excuse myself and ask for a moment when they were free. If it was just conversational, I would just wait or if it looked like the conversation was going to be long, just forget it. I don't get why people do this so much...and especially at church.

Well, off to finish up the bathroom and then to bed to work on projects. Some good shows coming up on Scyfy and Discovery in the next week. I hope they live up to the hype.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Rising from the ashes

I got a lot done today. Well...a lot for me. I baked some rolls made with Italian seasoning and garlic in the dough. Zach said they were great. I haven't had any yet. I also cleaned up the kitchen a bit and cooked supper before we had to leave and packed a supper for while we were up there. Then I walked in the door and started finishing up the dishes I didn't get done before we left.

I'm ready for bed now. But it felt so good to be coming back to life.

Still no nighttime barking from Professor. I haven't been putting the collar on him because it's huge and he's a wee Chihuahua/Pomeranian and it makes it a bit uncomfortable for him to sleep. I've got it beside my bed so all I have to do is reach out for it and put it on the Prof. So far so good, though. He's a very intelligent dog. It took very little time to teach him tricks, including roll over and high five. He taught himself take a bow. I don't know how to explain how he did that but he did. But even I think this isn't the end of it. Tom is convinced he's completely trained not to bark at night. I think he just hasn't been put to the test yet.

I'm such a pessimist.

I'm moving along on the sweater and it's looking very good. I like the feel of the Caron Eco and will definitely use it again. But I mustn't be monogamous and there are other projects that need to be done. I took my pencils with me along with some books to read. I forgot my erasers and sharpener so I'll do my drawing tomorrow instead. I read ghost stories tonight. Nothing the least bit frightening though. Very clinical book.

I'm off to bed to get some knitting in before I fall asleep.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sleep, knit, return to life

It's amazing what sleep can do for you. Seriously...what a concept that is...sleep can actually make your life worth living.

I used the barking collar on Professor Friday night. Well, I didn't put it on him until the wee hours of the morning when he started his hysterics. He didn't like it at all. It's big and bulky and I'm sure it felt uncomfortable so I felt bad about it except it was about 6 a.m. and I really wanted to get some sleep. A few minutes later I heard a short bark, a pshhhh of the lemon mist and nothing more. He never tried to get back into bed and I found him on his blanket when I woke up at 9 a.m.

Last night I decided to wait again until he barked and...nothing. Not a peep out of him all night except his "indoor" voice when he whispered his bark to me asking to get into bed. I don't think this is the end of it but I've had almost normal sleep all week long and am finally beginning to feel human again.

I even took him walkies today. In the rain. It's been ages since I've had the energy to do that. And the first time I took him walking since his leg problems. Which, by the way, are a complete thing of the past. He uses that leg all the time (except for jumping up on the ottoman to get into bed on his own) and did great walking. Except he's a wee dog and with his little legs a long block is a lot for him right now. I need to get him built up to it. And it wouldn't hurt him to take off a couple of pounds either.

I finished up the Horatio Hornblower marathon tonight. I had only seen about half the episodes. I would love to see more but I guess they're pretty expensive to make so there won't be anymore. Amazing though.

I have Inkheart to watch as well, but maybe not tonight. I might watch The Secret Life of Bees again. I loved it so much I'm going to get the book tomorrow. And I ordered The Dance of the Dissident Daughter again. I would like to review it now that I've had a chance to digest a lot of things in my spiritual world. Queen Latifah is great in it. Mary, my priest, said she would pay money just to watch her walk across the room, she's that talented. I agree. And Dakota Fanning is growing into a marvelous actress as well.

I'm still working on the sweater but I made some adjustments. Oblique is mostly open lace and I don't really want a sweater that is all open lace because they stretch out so badly and aren't exactly as warm as I need for winter wear so I made the middle lace panel solid stockinette stitch. I really prefer it, especially in black. I thought about using the moss stitch for the center but the stockinette just looks better.

I haven't been working on anything else but I do want to get back to drawing again so I'm going to take my pencils up with me tomorrow instead of my knitting. Zach can leave his laptop at home so I won't be tempted to watch instead. I am also needing to cut myself off from the internet a bit. Especially now that my energy levels are returning. I've deleted several blogs that rarely update and keeping those I consider friends even if they don't know I exist. Okay some of them do. A few are informative and I'll keep those. And several are just fun so those are keepers, too.

My biggest time waster is Ravelry though. I can live without checking it every hour or so. At least I hope I can. I don't want to give it up but I don't need to be there most of the time.

I've simply got to reclaim my life. Especially after the news my husband got today. A friend of his sister's, who was like a sister to him herself, died last week of inflammatory breast cancer. He's pretty down right now and it's hard to know exactly what to say. While there is a certain element of survivor's guilt, there is also that feeling that no one is safe and mine could come back. I've always known it, worried about it from time to time, but mostly took it for granted that it was behind me. I guess her chemo stopped working and it just slowly and painfully took her away.

I didn't know her. I had met her a time or two, even sent my favorite chemo hat to her, but our paths didn't cross much at all. Still, I'm very sorry for her family and for Gail and Tom to have lost someone they cared so much about.

It's time that I stop just muddling through my life though. I have given in to self-pity too much and have let my fears stop me from really living. I don't know how to do this, but I'm going to try. Baby steps at first, but I am going to make it this time.


Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm hiding all the dog toys tonight

I survived my birthday and my annual physical. I think. I have to go for an abdominal ultrasound because the dr found something "firm" in my lower belly and since I'm at risk for ovarian cancer, we don't take any chances. She didn't seem panic'd and she's known for sending me to a specialist for everything so I won't panic until I need to. And I probably won't need to.

I broke down and bought a barking collar for Professor. He's back to barking at night, when Tom isn't playing ball with him on the floor by my bed while I'm trying to sleep, and I just can't do this anymore. It sprays a lemon mist into the dog's face so I hope that will work for him. He's not been known to respond to the spray bottle but I hope this works. They only are supposed to wear the collar for 8 hours out of 24 so I'm choosing the nighttime hours.

The dr really yelled at me this time about my weight. Maybe she thought I needed it but she's never had a weight problem in her life and doesn't understand that yelling doesn't help. I'm annoyed more than angry but I can tell you that it didn't change anything in me. I know I need to lose weight. I also know that diets don't work. I've just got to the stage where I'm maintaining my weight but if I had to start counting calories or monitoring what I eat again, that will put me back to thinking about food nonstop and that means I'm back in bondage to food. I just got out of that jail and I'm not going back.

Now I'm working on adding physical activity. Which is hard when you're sleep deprived (that little game of ball woke me up and I ended up getting back to sleep at 5 a.m. until 8:30 when Professor woke me up and wouldn't let me go back to sleep.) But I'm working on those baby steps and I refuse to let anyone push me or bully me again.

And I woke up with the left side of my neck and shoulder muscle tight as a drum and I can barely move my head. Just hat I needed.

I finally decided on a pattern for the cardigan. Oblique by Veronik Avery. So far so good although I'm still on the ribbing. I did some spinning this afternoon but had to stop and go get my blood pressure medicine that they didn't call in yesterday. I plan on doing some more after supper, which I'm cooking right now. Hamburgers, mashed potatoes and cole slaw. Really unimaginative but I'm sleep deprived...remember?

I plan on getting a lot done this weekend instead of spending time online. I need the solitude in my bedroom because I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the stress in my life. It seems like knitting or spinning or reading while spending time away from everyone is a solution to that stress. We'll see.

On the birthday front, I got two Star Trek best of dvds and the first season of SG-1. Stargate was from Zach. I spent the day in the commons area of Zach's school knitting, reading and watching Dead Like Me and Babylon 5 on It's not ideal but at least I have things to do while I wait. And this is hopefully the last semester. Next year is mine.

It's looking like rain tonight. The rain barrel has another leak in the bottom of it. Such a disappointment when you try to do the right thing and end up must throwing money away. I'm hoping we can just put a false bottom in and seal it somehow because I do intend to have a garden next year and I need to save the rain for watering it.

Off to finish up supper and then more loads of laundry before bedtime.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009


As usual, Monday through Wednesday were a blur. The difference this week being that I actually have been sleeping. A lot. A whole lot. Like 10 hours a night with some naps in between.

Do I finally feel rested? Heck, no! But at least I am able to think again. And this would be a good thing if I wasn't so out of practice and can't remember exactly how to do that.

I've managed to rip out the black cardigan 3 times already...which isn't a record but since I'm still not satisfied with the pattern choice, I may not be done ripping yet. I also bought some oddments to make some jewelry and tons of books from the library on working with polymer clay, making candles and using nature for adornments.

I'm also spinning again.

What I'm not doing is cleaning house as is evident by the dust elephants all over the place. I plan on taking care of that tonight along with the kitchen. I have my annual physical tomorrow so I'll do laundry after that.

Something is croaking in the back yard but I'm too lazy or tired to get up and locate it. And I still don't have any work done on my meditation garden. This weekend, I hope.

I also want to get back to work on the beaded scarf and the socks and the amulet bag necklace. I bought some beads thinking I could fancy it up a bit. It looks so plain. Next one I'll use leftover sock yarn or knit some designs into the cotton. Working with size 0 needles is hard on the hands.

I think a nap is in order before I start supper...whatever that is going to be. Haven't decided yet.



Saturday, September 19, 2009

Trying to find the silver lining

My knitting mojo is back! I bought some yarn yesterday with the intentions of knitting a cardigan from the new Knitty but didn't like the looseness of the ribbing so I found another pattern in an old magazine I've got and have begun a sweater...just for me! I don't normally knit for myself so this is my birthday present to me. Tom was going to get me some dvds but I told him not to bother because I could get those from the library if I wanted to watch them but this will give me hours of pleasure while I watch those dvds from the library. Plus I have wanted a black cardigan for a few years now but never could justify the money for it. I'm using Caron Simply Soft Eco which is a lot nicer than the normal Caron. It's not as shiny and doesn't feel as plastic. Much softer than most acrylics though.

I finished the shopping bag and it turned out well. Nearly done with the amulet/charm bag necklace although it's rather plain. The next one I'll fancy up with cables or beads or something. The sock is coming along although last night I frogged back more than I knit. It's hard when you keep falling asleep while knitting. And I'm very close to being done with my water shawl. So I'll have a fire shawl as well as water. I still have some brown Homespun but I think I want to crochet with that instead of knitting. That will be my earth shawl. No idea what to use for air.

I didn't get any yard work done today. I woke up at 6 a.m. in pain and took a tramadol but it didn't seem to help a lot. I didn't take another one until around 2 though. Then I added some ibuprofen and that combination worked for a while. I haven't had a full-blown flare-up since spring so I'm pretty lucky. I've had pain at night or pain once in a while but not pain rated 7+ all day for a long time. I plan on soaking in the tub tonight with some Epsom salts and going to bed early. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have the energy to get to the yard. If not, next weekend will do. I talked to Tom about my plan to turn the area behind the garage into an herb garden/meditation/ fairy garden (which is just a place where I've got lots of pretty flowers blooming). He seems okay with it.

Especially since he's going to start work on the bathroom this week. He's been antsy about that so I told him to go ahead. I'll cut back somewhere else because we need to get it done before winter. There is a gap that is open to the basement and that will send a lot of heat where we don't want it and the cold will come up from there. Plus the paint wouldn't dry because we keep the house too cool in the winter.

So things are looking up in spite of the dire outlook financially. We have a roof over our heads, we won't go hungry and we'll be able to get to work and school. Plus, we still have insurance.

Not so lucky for my oldest though. He lost his job this week which means losing his insurance. And with hypertension and diabetes I worry about him battling another insurance company over those pre-existing conditions. He'll do well to pay his child support but he'll lose his apartment and his car most likely. He has a friend to stay with and he'll get unemployment but it's still a rotten existence.

Well, supper needs tending so I'll sign off for tonight.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Nothin' to see here

I'm sleeping again but still not rested at all. I wonder if I need tons of sleep to recover from this insomnia attack. I have my physical next week but I know the dr will advise me to take anti-depressants which will mean psychiatric monitoring because of the potential for fatal interactions with other meds. Sorry...I will not do that.

I also don't know why if any energy does come my way it's late evening.

At any rate, I got nothing done today except lying around watching movies. But maybe that was what I needed to do. I saw one stinker and one pretty good one. The stinker was The Ruins, which was predictable and gory. The good one was Murder by Numbers with Sandra Bullock. I don't think she's ever made a stinker.

I'm cooking supper right now: sausage, eggs and gravy. I was going to make biscuits too but I'm too tired for that so I'll just use bread instead.

I'm nearly done with the grocery bag and hope to finish the shawl tonight if I get some energy going on.

Otherwise, nothing going on here so I won't prolong the misery and let you all off the hook.

That was a joke, actually.

But I'm off to work on the kitchen while I cook so...


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'd rather live than just survive all this

I may have survived the weekend but I'm barely moving after the beginning of the week.

Sunday morning first thing, Zach found out his 8 week online course was only 4 weeks long. Monday being the deadline. So he had 4 weeks' worth of projects to get done by midnight Monday. He was in a panic. I was in a panic. The dog was in a panic. No, the dog wasn't in a panic. Sorry about that.

But he made it with an hour to spare. The problem was when he signed onto the class, the block scheduling wasn't finished apparently. The school page still listed it as an 8 week course but the cover page said it was 4 weeks. Obviously several of the students were confused and emailed the teacher asking him. He never responded to Zach's email so Zach assumed it was 8 week based on the fact that two sources told him it was.

Plus, there was so little in the class as to be totally a waste of time. The class was divided into four different classes so he got next to nothing without ponying up for 3 extra classes which wasn't cheap, I can tell you.

When he started at the college it was great. Great communication. Great teachers. Great everything. Now...not so much. He's been trying to get in touch with his advisor since last spring and she only just got back with him. He still has no information about his internship which he has to have in order to graduate and we're already 3 weeks into the year with no internship in sight and no information about how to get one. And she doesn't appear to answer his emails in a timely fashion so I am steamed and worried all at the same time.

And while I got some sleep between Saturday night and Monday night, Tuesday put me back in the hole. Professor woke me up every 20 minutes or so all night long Monday night so being in Fond du Lac all day Tuesday until 9 p.m. or so made me an unhappy person. At least I was able to watch and knit for a while. But it was too hot to sleep in the car and my creativity goes to zero when I'm that tired.

I did sleep for 10 hours last night almost uninterrupted. I got up with the Professor at 7:30 and again at 8:30 but after that I let someone else deal with him and slept until nearly 11.

And I'm still dragging.

But my creativity mojo is crawling meekly back apologizing for abandoning me all those months. I've been knitting on a shopping bag, a shawl, the beaded scarf, socks and a baby blanket. I'm also learning candle making and working with polymer clay.

Tom is going to work on the bathroom this weekend. We've got some nasty wallboard on there that is warped from having been wet long before we moved in and the floor has to be redone since replacing the toilet. Also the paint is peeling and needs re-painting badly.

Me? I'm going to work in the yard this weekend. I've decided the area behind the garage is going to be a meditation/herb garden because I need a place to go to. I've got tiki torches to take care of mosquitoes but other than that, I'm working from scratch. I hope it turns out okay. I don't think Tom is terribly excited by my change in spiritual direction but it's not about him so I'm not letting it bother me. I certainly don't interfere in his. And for all I know in time he'll be okay with it. I'm just not going to waste any time on it.

I also bought a canvas today because I want to get back to my art. I've got to read up a lot on acrylics first because I never really learned much about them. I'd love oils but they are for later.

Well, I'm off to bed. I was going to walk Professor tonight but I am so stinkin' tired I think I'll just go to bed and read and knit and watch Ghost Hunters. Although I have to say I'm not as big a fan as I used to be. I keep hoping they'll go back to the way they used to be.

I'm also thinking of opening up my spiritual blog to the public again and start writing there again. When I've got the time, that is.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

How I survived the weekend

I slept the weekend away. Nearly. I took a sleeping pill (OTC) Friday night and slept pretty much most of the night, woke up at 10 a.m. and felt so groggy that I swore I wouldn't do it again. I was back in bed at noon and slept off and on (mostly on) until 5 p.m. when I woke up. And I mean woke up. Wide awake. And wondering if I was going to be able to get back to sleep at all.

By 6:30 I was groggy again but I was busy and didn't get back to sleep until 11 p.m. I ended up sleeping off and on until 7:25 a.m. when Professor woke me up...five minutes before the alarm went off. Dang it.

And I'm still groggy. No more sleeping pills for me. Unless I end up with a 3 month long insomnia kick again in which case I'll take half a pill and see if that works better.

Church today was pretty unsettling. The organist wasn't there, which is okay. We've done without her before but there is a woman there whom I try so very hard to love but who feels like she is assistant priest or something because her late husband was the deacon there. Anyway she tried to start songs and during Eucharist, when I like to just meditate for a bit, she decided we needed a mini-sermon and started singing a song expecting everyone to join in. Hardly anyone did so she abruptly stopped the song. I'm not sure why because I had my eyes tightly shut trying to concentrate on anything but her.

Part of me feels like a jerk and part of me is feels justifyingly annoyed. I'm latching onto the latter and claiming it because I don't want to feel like a jerk.

Professor is calmer now so I suspect it was a female in heat somewhere. Tom mentioned that he might not be responding to the female, since he's been neutered, but instead is responding to all the male dogs in the area who aren't and are sending off all the testosterone. 'Cause now he's calm and sleeping at night and not getting agitated by Mr. Chipmunk. I wonder if there is a spray for that.

I'm feeling a bit re-charged now and plan on getting back to work on projects both knitting, drawing and working around the house. It's almost time to winterize the house and I don't have the spring cleaning done yet.

I also want to get some baking and cooking done so I can pop things in the freezer to prepare for those moments when I don't have anything to cook.

But I'm going to start out a bit slow and not overdo it so I don't end up barely moving again.

I had to run to the store today and when I got more than halfway there, I started shaking. I didn't have my glucometer with me because I had left it by the computer so I couldn't take my sugar but I never shake like that when it's high...only when it's low. I didn't want to eat anything sugary because I didn't know how low so I stopped and grabbed a sandwich and within half an hour, I was fine. It was a scary feeling so I need to remember to take my testing supplies with me all the time. I thought I would be fine because I had a tiny bit of syrup this morning. Guess not. I must do better at monitoring.

And my physical is set up for a week and a half from now so I'll be glad to get it over with. This year I'm not going to panic and try to lose 20 pounds in a week. It is what it is. I can do better and will try but I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing better in time for the physical.

I'm also not going to let the furnace temps run as low this year as we did last year. Somehow we'll figure it out but I'm not going to be that cold again.

Well, off to get ready for bed because I'm still groggy. Definitely not taking one of those little blue pills again.


Friday, September 11, 2009

How is this healthy?

I'm probably going to be considered unpatriotic or an insensitive or even...gasp...a traitor, but I'm not a huge fan of all these remembrances.

Say a mother lost her son to a horrible auto accident that someone happened to catch on video and every year on the anniversary of his death she put flowers at the site of his death with a sign that said, "Never Forget." All day long she watches the video of her son's last moments and weeps. All day long. Eight years later she's still doing this. No one would consider this a healthy way to get over her grief.

How can she get over her grief if she re-animates it every year? How can a wound heal if you keep taking off the bandage and prying the skin apart?

So why is it that when we do this as a nation it's patriotic? How can dredging up the videos of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers and the hours that pass afterwards heal us or make us stronger as a people? Why all the ceremonies and pain-filled remembrances of the day?

We can remember them without remembering it.

I just think there must be a healthier way to do this without making 9/11 a day of cameras shoved into the faces of people who lost loved ones, the re-showing ad nauseum of the horrific event, and speeches designed to inflame us against other countries or religions and make us feel superior in our grief.

No one is ever likely to forget. We have this generation of people who lived through it. You don't forget just because it isn't brought out of the closet once a year. I doubt anyone alive in the U.S. ever could forget it, even if they wanted to. And for subsequent generations, there will be history books and grandparents and, heaven forbid, movies made about it. In time it will be another horrible thing that happened to the United States, just like Pearl Harbor or the Hindenburg, as it should be.

I don't other countries do this? Or do they grieve and move on? I think that's the healthier option. It's not about forgetting, it's about not shoving it in everyone's faces every year.

Don't forget them, but don't forget all the other people who have been lost to disease or accidents or by the hand of another human being. Remember them for who they were, not for how they died.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Barking, Ghost Hunters, and Me whining again

I think I'm over it. I'm also considering the possibility that a coyote, though not normally seen in our town but possible as we live near the edge of the city, might have dropped the cat in the yard. But it's unlikely because there were no marks on the cat.

It's been another day in which I got nothing done. Except for lighting some candles for some friends who had urgent needs. I'm still sorting out just what it is I believe but I'm plugging along and trying to enjoy the ride. I do find that lighting candles helps me focus my prayers and so I use them. Plus...aren't they just pretty?

I wasn't in the mood for a warm meal tonight so I made some potato salad and tuna salad. I seriously thought about putting a green salad together but thought that might be a bit of overkill. It's amazing how such a light meal can dirty up so many dishes though. Not happy at all I've got to do before bedtime. I'm watching Ghost Hunters right now and will clean the kitchen afterward. Or at least set it up to be cleaned tomorrow.

I'm still hoping to get a decent night's sleep. I relented and gave Professor back his window seat and opened up the curtains after I turned the lights off and I think it did help a bit. He stopped barking a few times on his own when he was able to see out. About 6 a.m. he went nuts again and every twenty minutes or so went off barking and whining. Tom was up and took care of it for a while but he dozed off on the couch so I tried to keep him quiet. After 8 Zach took him into his room so I was able to sleep from 8 to 11 without interruption.

Come winter we'll have the windows shut and the critters will be in their lairs and dens so maybe I can get some sleep then. By then Zach's schedule will have increased so that will be another problem.

It's like having an infant again. I breastfed Zach and initially he would only sleep for 2 hours at a stretch, taking a full hour to nurse. I learned to sleep sitting up in the rocking chair. At the time I was in the Navy so I survived on next to no sleep until he was four months old and I was discharged for the fibromyalgia. I did manage to pump milk during the day sometimes but that was used during the day for his babysitter. He was allergic to all dairy and soy so there was no other option.

I looked at training collars last night at the store but they looked so inhumane that I couldn't do it. One of them used electrical current to curb barking; the other used a lemon mist. The thing is, sometimes I want him to when someone comes to the door or is in the yard. I don't want to break his spirit either. I also didn't care much for the remote training collar that you use with a remote to shock the dog each time it does something you don't want it to do. Tom felt the same way so...we'll try to figure this out without those measures.

Oh, brother. The whole Steve/Tango running away from critters thing is getting so old I may have to stop watching this show. They always advertise it as if they've seen something supernatural come to find out it's Steve's phobias and Tango reacting to them. That and some of the "evidence" being too easily accepted without debunking it. I'm a skeptic who would like to believe but don't make a fool of me.

I've got Pushing Daisies, season 1 in at the library along with Battle of Britain so I might make a trip to the library tomorrow. And just pick up a couple of things from the store while I'm at it since I don't really have much at all to shop for this week. I'm going to watch Warrior Queen tonight with Alex Kingston and other dishy British actors.

Off to curl up into bed. I got the kitchen straightened up during commercials so I'll try to get some sleep so I can get something done tomorrow because I'm tired of doing nothing but whining.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I don't want to talk about it

But I will.

First, a little bit of background. Our house sits with the back part of the yard nearly right on a major highway but it's elevated to the degree that the street part is level with our upstairs. There is a sidewalk that runs alongside the highway. Between the sidewalk and our yard is a lovely green portion with some small trees and a thicket of various bushes and trees that separate us from the traffic and noise.

This morning we woke up to find a white cat dead with a collar in our back yard. It was obvious that this cat didn't just wander into our yard and die of old age. Although there was no overt evidence of trauma or poisoning or attack by coyote, it didn't die a natural death. Or if it did, it didn't do it in our yard. It's obvious to me that someone flung it into our yard from the street. Over the bushes, in fact.

Tom called the police and their response was pretty much, "why are you bothering us when we've got some serious nothing to get done." He called the Humane Society which told him pretty much the same thing with the addition of "please, double bag the cat and put it in your trash." I know a dead cat isn't high up there on the scale of importance and I didn't expect them to drop what they were doing and show up but you would think someone would tell us what to do about it or wonder how this cat ended up sprawled in our yard. Or maybe be interested in case this started showing up in other peoples' yards.

I'm not letting our cat out on his leash tonight. Or any other night for that matter, without someone being out there with him.

We never let Hannibal out on Halloween because some kids have thrown firecrackers into our back yard from the street. And we have to shut all the windows because it drives Professor into hysterics. Not that that is a far trip for him. So do squirrels.

I really don't get why animal abuse is such a fun thing for kids to do. This happened in our county not too long ago and I do not get it. I feel like I need to cleanse my back yard from the insanity. I would be troubled if it had been an animal attack because we do have critters around here. But that's the natural order of things and while it's sad, it's life. This is beyond sad. It's...I can't find the words.

Tom doesn't think bad things happen in small towns. He's always lived in the city so he thinks that we're free from crime or vandalism or things like this. He believes the cat just wandered into our yard and dropped dead from a heart attack or something. But cats don't sprawl out like that when they're ill. They tend to curl up in a safe place. Not the middle of the yard.

I'm going to go find something pleasant to think about because this is really depressing.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Janet Jackson, move aside

I bought a shirt at the thrift store that I really liked, knew if fit me but hadn't worn it before. On the way to church I had a wardrobe malfunction. The buttons wouldn't stay buttoned. And as I didn't have a t-shirt on under it, I was feeling mighty exposed and self-conscious. Was I going to spend the whole service clutching my shirt, keeping myself covered? Nope. I dropped Zach off at the door, told the priest I had a wardrobe malfunction and would be back and raced to StuffMart which was all that was opened at that time of morning.

Zach was acolyte so there was no option to just go home and try again next week. I found two black knit shirts that looked good, didn't have a neckline that dipped to my navel and were on sale. So I bought them both. I raced back to church, parked between two trucks and changed in the car (I learned a long time ago how to change clothes without exposing any skin so I was very safe where I was.) I made it in the doors during the peace. Whew!

Mary (our priest) told me I was lucky because Prayers of the People was form VI which she knows is not my favorite one. It's not that I dislike it, I just prefer contrition while kneeling and not standing. An absolute personal preference.

Although today my knees groaned loudly at the communion rail. In fact it was nearly a scream that only I heard. I sent Tom to the store for some Aspercreme or Capsaicin. I might have to ask for my arthritis meds to be refilled. I hope not and am guessing it's just because the weather changed. Professor's back leg seems to be bothering him, too, and I think he has arthritis also.

Of course if I would just get busy and exercise that would help. Motivation..I needs some.

I'm going to try walking Professor at night from now on to see if he will sleep through the night instead of waking me up four times an hour. Maybe if he gets to sniff out Mr. Chipmunk from next door early in the evening, he won't go nuts at 3 a.m. anymore. I had such high hopes for last night because I was fighting sleep all day. I did manage to sleep very well from midnight to 2:30 a.m. when the chipmunk came to visit. I'm also trying to not reward him for his yapping by not responding to him. I even removed the ottoman from the window so he can't stand up in the window and yap all night long. That part worked. When he couldn't get to the window his hysteria cut off abruptly. But his insistence on going outside is what we need to work on. I wouldn't mind getting up to take him out for a wee, but he just wants to wander all over the yard after the scent.

I did forgive my husband for cleaning up the kitchen at 4 a.m. because he really was trying to be quiet. And he kept the television very low.

Coffee hour was great today. I've honestly never been in a church that is so loving and supportive. I've been there nearly 3 years and not an hint of any kind of squabble or personality clash. Everyone there behaves like grown-ups. Sadly, I've never been in a church like that before. Plus, they adore my son and accept him for who he is.

Although I did get volunteered to make my infamous pizza casserole again. ;-)

If I get some sleep tonight, I plan on working in the yard tomorrow. I really need to get some of my potted plants in the ground and well-established before cold weather sets in. And with this wacky weather, who knows how soon that will be.

Off to call my parents for our weekly chat. I'm really blessed to have great family relationships, too.


Friday, September 4, 2009


I ended up having to go to town again today because some things came in to the library and with the Labor Day coming up, I needed to pick them up today. So it will be a Midsomer Murders marathon all weekend!!!!! Makes me happy.

I also plan on trying to catch up on some resting and do as little work as possible so I can start the next week, which won't be as hectic as most weeks, with a surplus of rest instead of a deficit. We must make church Sunday since Zach is acolyte. I have really missed it anyway.

I have tons to read and lots to knit and I may just get my kick spindle out again and get busy spinning.

Professor has been wired of late and is barking a lot both day and night. I don't know what the problem is but I haven't had a complete night's sleep in days. I even went to bed at 10 p.m. last night and woke up at least 11 times with him needing to go out for wee'ing or to look for the blasted chipmunk. Or to answer the telegraph system out there that dogs seem to enjoy in the pre-dawn times.

Yes, I forgot to close the windows. Not that I think that would have solved the problem. I even tried to sleep in and Tom was willing to let me but Professor wouldn't leave the side of my bed and would bark at me to get up.

He doesn't do this in winter. Much.

Off to curl up and read and watch Tom Barnaby solve all the problems in Midsomer County.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Crawling toward the weekend

In spite of feeling more optimistic about my present and future, I am having trouble coming up with a coherent post today. I got the insurance information I need for any medical care until the cards come in and I'm okay with all the meds I have without running out anytime soon. I've got a few ideas on how to make some money from home. It won't be immediate and it won't be a lot, but I think I might be able to pull in some money. Add that to the frugally things I do and it makes a difference.

In spite of still feeling exhausted, I feel more confident that I can start making positive changes in my habits that will help, although they won't solve the problem. steps are still steps in the right direction.

Now if I can just get the dog to shut up at night so I can sleep longer than 2 hours at a time...

Seriously, I was up with him no less than 8 times last night and more than 10 the night before. I had to let him out each time and each time he did his business so I'm at a loss as to why the puppy papers were soaked this morning. Unless he was just marking his territory. I'm seriously wondering if a dog is in heat somewhere. Professor's been fixed but he still has some special time with his "girlfriend" (a toy dog he's had since we got him) so it's possible he still gets the urge.

I think I might just close the windows tonight so he doesn't hear someone talking in their yard two blocks away or hear a dog barking halfway across town. Or sniff that dratted chipmunk from next door.

I know when I see the doctor for my annual physical she's going to want to put me on anti-depressants again. In spite of the possibly fatal interaction with my pain pills. She seems to think if I just have a psychiatrist monitoring me, it will be okay. I've told her my anxiety attacks tell me otherwise. Still it would be nice to sleep regularly again, but not at that cost.

And I could do without the depression. But we'll see if those positive changes I want to make will help in that area first.

Tom wants me to set up a physical for him as well. I've tried that many times in the past and he always cancels at the last minute. He hasn't been to the doctor in so long she no longer considers him a patient and she's not taking on new patients now so I'd have to find him another doctor. I'm not sure why it's my responsibility to do that. I told him to try another clinic in the next town that our PPO covers. But I'm not going to do it for him. I have enough on my plate juggling bills and my own medical problems.

I do want to get Zach in though. He's not been in a few years and I want him to see where he is physically. I know I don't set a good example but I can't make him exercise or eat right so he's got to learn on his own how important it is to take care of himself now. We'll switch him to COBRA after he's done with school so any pre-existing conditions should carry over. The only ones he has right now are his Tourette's and his OCD.

I've got to stop watching HGTV. This young couple is looking for a house and they keep talking about how tiny these houses are. They're huge!!

Must. Control. The. Envy. Factor.

Why on earth do you need a bathroom the size of a living room? Just how much time to people spend in there in the course of a day?

Anyhoo...I'm off to fix supper and divide the ground beef into 3 ounce portions for the freezer. Then I'm off to bed. I'm seriously wiped out from shopping.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Today is working out good for me.

I'm recovering from Monday and Tuesday in which I spent my time in the car or the commons area of the college. It was too hot to stay in the car Tuesday so I went in early and stayed the entire day in the commons. It's not so bad and the car would have been cool enough except the front windows don't roll down so the car is like a solar oven.

Hmmm....nah. I really don't want to start baking stuff in the car.

So...I had access to Zach's laptop but I'm not all that familiar with it and while trying to answer email and such, kept opening up windows until he explained to me that my hands were resting on the cursor pad. Now that I know, maybe I can keep up with my online stuff better.

Next week will be near-heaven since Monday is Labor Day whereby the schools will be closed. And Tuesday is only the morning class because his p.m. teacher has some kind of inservice thing herself. It's the little things that bring you joy, ya know?

Tom was puny yesterday morning. I heard him about 6 a.m. being sick in the bathroom and when he woke up just as we were getting ready to leave he still wasn't feeling well. I had gotten an telephone alert from our city informing us that we weren't to drink the tap water because it had bacteria in it and wouldn't be able to until sometime today. Fortunately I had some water from a few days ago in the Pur pitcher which had been filtered pre-bacteria that we were able to use for brushing teeth and such. But I think Tom might have had some water the night before.

At any rate, he was home when we got there late last night, asleep on the couch. Trying to tiptoe in and be quiet while hauling suitcases, bags, coolers and backpacks is impossible. But he slept through it. He had gotten sick at work and came home. He rarely misses work so if he's home, then I know he's not well. He slept the night away so I turned the tv down low in my bedroom and tried hard to get to sleep early.

Professor and Hannibal had other ideas though. I had to take the Prof out to wee four times before 2 a.m. and then he woke me up other times to help him back up on the bed. Hannibal needed loving because 3 a.m. is his favorite time to cuddle and if you don't acquiesce you get a claw in the nose. By the time I finally crawled out of bed at 10 a.m., I had been woken up over 12 times.

I'm determined to just rest today although I do need to do some laundry. I think one load will suffice and not wear me out further. That and cooking some supper and maybe some baking later if I feel like it. If not, I'll do that tomorrow.

And tomorrow I must work on doing something with my potted plants before they die from being root bound.

Oh, and the rain barrel is leaking again.

I plan on catching up on some knitting and movie watching today in addition to lots of reading. I did do a lot of the reading yesterday, learning about herbs and crystals along with Borg and Spong. And some Harry Potter, of course.

Well, I'm off to eat my baked potato for lunch. I read something really icky today about baby chicks and don't think I want to eat any meat for a while.