Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I woke up after a very restless night and went online to check the status of my medicine on the pharmacy website.  No joy.  At least, at that time.  I went back online later to find my prescription had been refilled but only for the next 9 months.  I was relieved but confused until I finally got a phone call from the doctor's nurse who informed me that the consensus was that I would take the meds up until April, at which time I would discontinue them as that would make it 10 years since I had been on anti-cancer drugs, including the tamoxifen.  I'm okay with that.  It gives me time to prepare myself with a health plan to get on track, lose weight and get fit.  Giving me less than a week's notice doesn't let me prepare.

Still, I'm not sure I want to drive all the way back up there annually for a 20 second breast exam.  I'll talk to my family doctor about it next physical.  More good news was that aromasin is now offered in generic form so my co-pay was $10 instead of $30.

So I was able to get out of the house and do the shopping, focusing mostly on healthful foods and limiting my sugar craving to Gobstoppers, which are like sweet/sour little candies that take a while to eat and are low calorie and low sugar.  I can't go cold turkey on the sugar.  I'm also planning on focusing on less meat and more veg/grains as that is the best breast cancer diet I've read about.  And definitely more exercise.  I just have to be nice to myself and not go for the burn until I can walk around the block without excruciating pain.

Zach has expressed a desire to lose weight, too, so we will be buddies on this and hopefully stop enabling each other.  The biggest problem will be the other person who lives here who has never had a weight problem and likes to jump in and cook decidedly unhealthy meals. 

I finished up Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night (while I was busy not sleeping) and am ready to watch the movie and all the docs that go with it.  I'm catching up too quickly and will have to wait several months before the second Deathly Hallows movie comes out on dvd, but I've got plenty to occupy my time until that happens.  I've got Farscape to finish up and the first season of Earth: Final Conflict in addition to several other series at the library I can borrow.  There are a couple of seasons of A Touch of Frost I haven't seen yet.  I deleted some tv series from my dvr after it occurred to me that I was dreading watching them instead of looking forward to it.  If I really get the urge, I can get them from the library.  It opened up a lot of room on my dvr.

I'm thinking of reading some more Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.  I've read a couple of books by them and liked, but not loved, them.  I might give them another go.  I picked up Small Gods (Pratchett) from the thrift store so I might read that.  Or look into Discworld books at the library.  Or I might give in to my detective story addiction and read some more Wallender books.  I quit reading one that dealt a lot with South African politics, but I like the character and the stories themselves.  I might give them another go.  Or I could re-read the Hamish Macbeth books.  I absolutely love them!

Well, it's time to fix stroganoff and then, I think, crash for the night.  I was going to attack the house but my fibromyalgia is flaring up from the stress and I'm going to have to take a pain pill earlier rather than later.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Not happy with my doctor

I'm beyond pissed right now.  I'm seething.  I called the surgeon's office this morning and talked to his receptionist, explained the problem to her and told her I really wanted my prescription refilled as I was almost out of meds.  And that I'd been waiting a week to hear back from him.  Still another day without any communication and the meds haven't been called in to the pharmacy.  If he's got too many patients that he can't take care of them, then I'll get another surgeon.  Or if he's not going to prescribe the pills, I'll see whether the oncologist will see me.  This is not professional at all.  He couldn't spent 10 minutes in there with me for my 15 minute appointment and can't even manage a phone call to tell me what's going on.

I slept late this morning because I was tossing and turning because of this.  I managed to knit on the Invisibility Shawl for a bit last night but being laceweight, it doesn't look like I made any progress.  I was watching some Masterpiece Mystery that I had dvr'd.  I tried watching Zen but it bored me to tears so I deleted all of them and am watching Inspector Lewis now.  I don't know why Zen didn't hold my attention but it was pretty slow moving and kind of predictable.  No problem.  I still have plenty of stuff to watch on dvr.  Plus all the dvds.

I did read a while last night.  I haven't done that in ages.  I probably got through about a third of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  I have some library books to read as well so it's good that I spent the time reading. 

I also got some laundry done today.  It was cloudy and rained a bit so I used the dryer.  But since it wasn't warm at all the dryer didn't heat up the house much at all.  Fixed spaghetti for supper but my stomach is upset from the stress and I'm just not hungry.  I've got errands to run that I can't do because I've been sitting by the phone for the past week.  I'm hoping I'll hear from him tomorrow so I can go.  If he won't refill them, I'm running out of time to get in touch with the oncologist who will.  He'll probably want to see me before refilling them though and getting in to see him will take a few weeks.  It only takes me a few days to get in to the surgeon.

I'm just too pissed to write so I'm going to go make up the bed and crawl in there.  Hopefully Inspector Lewis will take my mind off of it.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Resting didn't help

I don't feel rested after trying to take the weekend off.  I didn't do any real cleaning but I had errands to run and traffic in our town was crazy due to John Deere taking over the main roads out of town for their anniversary bash, which was mostly for employees and retirees.  Townspeople were allowed in the parking lot and the bouncy castle, but not the tent.  I nearly ran over a police officer who stepped out into the crosswalk as I was pulling around the corner.

Plus there were some tensions here at home to deal with.  Normal stuff, but stress nevertheless.

I'm trying to get stuff done little by little today but it feels like I'm working underwater.  Every effort is a struggle.  Laundry must be done today but those steep steps seem even steeper and longer each trip to the basement.  I'm using the dryer because I just don't have the energy for the clothesline.  I will get the vacuuming done at least and I've been puttering in the kitchen so it's almost done.  I would like to mop the floor in there but we'll see.  I can do it tomorrow if I don't get it done today.

Still no word from the surgeon on my prescription refill.  I'm calling tomorrow morning because I'll be out of meds by Friday and it does take a day or two to get them refilled.  I'm pissed at him because I felt like he brushed me off during the office visit and isn't taking my situation seriously at all.  He wants me to come back next year but if he's not going to refill my meds, there is no point in driving all the way up there for the same breast exam I get from my own doctor.  And at least she takes more time doing it.

That hanging over my head didn't help my weekend at all either. 

My allergies are acting up the past few days.  I'm taking my meds regularly but the past couple of days has been miserable with headaches and stuffy sinuses.  I did take an extra spray on my flonase thinking that might help.  It did last night.  Today not so much.  I'm going to take a decongestant in a bit because that helped a bit yesterday.  I might get my neti pot out and use it, too.  That might provide more relief than the flonase.

I've been working on the bathroom curtain exclusively because I want to get the bathroom done by the end of September.  After that it will be too cold to paint in there.  I have to take the window apart and re-glaze it, paint it and re-install it, which will be a huge pain in the rear.  Not to mention getting all the mildew off the walls.  No matter how often I scrub the walls in there, the mildew just keeps coming back.  I'm hoping painting it will fix the problem or at least slow it down.  We've been using the exhaust fan and I have a window fan pointing out but it's still a problem.  Which is probably why my allergies are so bad right now.  I hope to get started on the walls this week.  I got some new stuff specifically for mildew so I hope that helps.

I am getting anxious to get back to Zach's sweater.  I'm thinking of taking it back to before the v-neck and just doing a crew neck instead.  I have a pattern I can use just for the neck, plus I think I can figure it out on my own.  I just can't adjust for the gauge difference.

And there is a pattern I would like to get back to that is languishing in my closet floor.  I really need to either frog all wips that are lying about or finish them.  Maybe I should vow not to start anything new until I'm done with one project.  There's an idea.

Well, I need to go start another load and put the wet clothes in the dryer, than tackle the living and dining room.  Mondays usually involve finding the dining table again.  Tom likes to use the dining table as a desk/catch-all so it's usually covered by Monday morning.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Taking the weekend off

I only got about 45 minutes of sleep last night due to an anxiety attack over the cancer meds the surgeon doesn't want to refill for me.  He said it would be a couple of days and he would get back to me but this is the third day and still no phone call.  In light of my oncologist saying to him that my cancer is in danger of coming back I don't know why he doesn't want to refill the meds.  Sure, no one knows whether or not they still are doing anything since it's been 7 years since I started taking them but since there is no evidence it doesn't work and since I am still cancer-free and since I have had zero side effects, I don't see what the problem is.  Fretting about this kept me from sleeping although I'm pretty sure I'll get a nap in this afternoon.

I bought a dehydrator for Tom's tobacco last night.  I couldn't go to the store during the day because I was waiting on the phone call that never came and couldn't go this morning for the same reason so I went last night.  Zach went with me and held the trunk lid up so I could air up the "spare" tire.  It registered 0 before I put any air in it.  I'll check again in a few days to see if it's holding air or if there is a leak somewhere.

Anyway...dehydrator.  I'm thinking I can use it to dry my herbs once I grow them.  Or if I can grow them.  I've had rosemary growing for about 5 months now and I have one tiny little plant that doesn't even come close to resembling rosemary except for the scent.  I need to get my Encylopedia of Country Living out and read up on it.  And other herbs.

I've got several tomato plants that fell over during the last rain, which wasn't hard at all but for some reason created enough weight on the plants that they broke off and fell over.  I'm not having a good gardening year.  The tobacco is pasty green instead of lush green, almost like they've gotten too much water but I haven't watered them but once in two months.  We've had lots of rain but the garden drains well so I don't know if it's just that brand of tobacco or what the problem is.  Tom is going to cultivate it this weekend.  He has today off for his sister's wedding which means he has tomorrow off as well.

I managed to work a bit on the bathroom curtain but I suspect it will be just as heavy and a blanket.  Still, I'm not starting over anymore.  It will just have to do.  I won't be getting much cleaning done this weekend with Tom home but maybe I'll just take this opportunity to rest on the couch with my knitting and some dvds.  I'm watching Goblet of Fire with all the extras.  I turned it off last night because I was trying to stay awake until it occurred to me that I should...duh...just go to sleep.  I slept for all of 10 minutes before I woke up again.

So this weekend will be largely spent on the couch because I haven't done that in ages and since I can...


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Recovering from the flat tire

I was wiped out today and got not one single thing done.  I do tend to fall apart after the crisis is over so nothing new.  Also I was waiting impatiently by the phone for a call from the surgeon but I guess he hasn't talked to the oncologist yet.  I wonder if I should see the oncologist annually instead of the surgeon.

It was supposed to be terribly hot and humid today but I didn't seem to notice and while Zach had his a/c on, I didn't even have a fan on.  We get a lovely breeze living on the side of a hill, but Zach has no cross-ventilation so he doesn't.

I'm going to bed early tonight for sure this time.  I didn't get a lot of sleep last night...too wound up...but I did manage to make progress on the Invisibility Shawl from Charmed Knits.  I had to make sure I watched shows I didn't have to look at a lot though...mostly listened to them.

I did laugh out loud, which is rare for me, over a scene in one of the Haven episodes.  A guy brings Audrey some flowers.  She takes them and says, "I should put these in water right away."  And then she opens the window and throws them out into the bay.  They both laughed but for some reason that struck me as hysterical.  Only when I'm tired, I'm guessing.  LOL

Tonight I'm planning on working on the bathroom curtain because I have some shows that require more of my attention.  It's some counting but not a lot of looking.  And probably read a bit and then go to bed before Tom gets home.  For some reason it feels like Friday to me.  Yesterday was a very long day to me. :)


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kathy and the no good, very bad day

I had my appointment in Fond du Lac for my annual surgeon's appointment and he isn't keen on refilling my anti-cancer drug, aromasin, as no one knows the long-term effects of it.  So he will be calling my oncologist and go with his advice.  I imagine I'll get the refill as my oncologist seems quite certain my cancer could eventually return because of the specifics of it.  Aromasin was in trial when I was in chemo so no one knows when the good effects become bad or neutral effects.

So I was a bit bummed as I walked to the parking lot only to find a flat tire.  I tried to use the flat tire in a can stuff which did nothing at all and the nearest gas station didn't have free air (known from past experience) so I decided to put the spare tire on.  Not an easy feat for a 57 year old, out of shape, lady in her brand new fairy t-shirt.  Getting the spare out of the trunk was near-Herculean as the actuator won't hold the trunk up so you have to hold it up while getting stuff out or putting stuff in.  Removing a spare tire and jack one-handed is an art-form.  But I managed it along with the instructions for removing said flat tire.  I managed to make some progress when an older gentleman insisted on helping me.  I tried to make excuses as he was doing it wrong and while he offered to call a garage for assistance, I got my phone out and pretended to call my son to pick me up.

After he was out of sight I went back to work in it and put the jack in the right place (found by touch...the car sits very low to the ground) and managed to jack it up enough to loosen the lug nuts before bringing it up off the pavement.  I had the old tire off and was jacking the car up to put the new one on, when another older gentleman (I did have one very nice looking younger guy offer to help but as I was making good progress, I didn't want to stop) walked past and helped me put the tire on.  He also tightened the lug nuts for me and I was on my merry way, hoping to find a gas station with air so I could air up the back tire and the former spare.  It was Waupan before I found a station.

So I stopped at Wendy's in Beaver Dam because by that time I was shaking pretty hard, not having had any breakfast (I'm just not an early morning eater) but not because I was hungry.  I only ate half of my sandwich but had a great conversation with the boys who work there about Harry Potter (I was reading Goblet of Fire) and Eragon.  We were just starting on Dragonriders of Pern when they got a customer and had to leave.  Pathetic that my only friends are crewmembers at a fast food restaurant.

So I managed to finish up the shopping I had to do before going home and when I reached the car in the parking lot discovered that the left brake light was on and had been the whole time I was gone.  Tapping the brakes helped but for a while I didn't have any cruise control at all.  Good thing I'm going shopping for a newer car this week.

So I'm giving up and going to bed.  Immediately.  Everyone can fend for themselves for supper.  There is enough chili left for Tom's supper and plenty of cornbread since no one else ate any.

I must say I did have a great experience last night before going to sleep (before I was woke up by Tom before he went to bed).  I finished up the last season of Doctor Who.  I had had A Good Man Goes to War on dvr since it last aired but couldn't bring myself to watch it because I knew we would find out who River Song was and I was dreading it.  I was totally blown away because I was so far off base.  I think.  At any rate, it was sheer genius and it's been the one thing keeping my spirits from ending up in the landfill.

So now I am off to make up the bed before 6 p.m. and turning the lights off and watching tv.  I might knit and I might not knit.  Depends on whether I stay awake or not.


Monday, August 22, 2011

I actually like Mondays

I slept most of the weekend and felt so dragged out and feverish even though I wasn't actually running a fever.  I wondered if I was having a massive flare up of the fibromyalgia when I found out from a store clerk that "something" was going around and it sounded a lot like what I was going through.  Today I feel much better in spite of interrupted sleep.  I'm functioning today albeit not at 100%, but when was the last time that happened?

I haven't done a lot yet but I do plan on going through my armoir because my clothes aren't fitting in there and I can't shut the drawers, which doesn't look so good in the living room.  I may combine some of the smaller drawers and move the yarn to another location so I can put some clothes in there.  Then I need to vacuum both the living room and dining room.  I think that will be it for the day.  I did manage some weeding while I was out with Professor this afternoon.  I'm trying to get him to stop hating the postal worker.  I still wouldn't leave him out during mail time but it would be nice if he didn't rage at the guy showing up in our yard.

I did little to no knitting all weekend because of the fatigue but managed to once again frog the bathroom curtain and start a different pattern.  I was using a size 10 needle with worsted, thinking it would feel lighter but my knitting looked too sloppy with that big a needle so I'm back to a size 6.  My yarnovers look so much better.  And I added a lot more of them to give a more open look to it.  Plus it's simple to knit.

I restarted the Invisibility Shawl from Charmed Knits because I had made a mistake I couldn't find.  I just need to focus more while knitting on that instead of thinking I can just watch tv and knit away.  Maybe I'll save the shawl for podcasts.  I can listen and watch my knitting better than trying to "listen" to tv and knit. 

I did some reading this morning before I did anything else and it felt good to start the day that way.  I hope to start each day like that from now on instead of jumping online first thing.  In fact I would love to spend less and less time online from now on.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the surgeon in Fond du Lac.  I like him but he makes me nervous because he's so good looking.  My chemo nurses used to ask me all kinds of questions about him.  But he's 10 years older, too and his boyish good looks have mellowed out to handsome middle age.  Still makes me nervous.  I'm so socially inept.

Zach is going with me so the trip won't be so boring.  We'll stop and get a bite to eat at Burger King since there isn't one anywhere close to us.  I love their hamburgers and a small one from the value menu does me just fine.  Plus Zach and I haven't had a chat in a while.  He and I like to give each other space here at home and lately he hasn't been going shopping with me except when I need him to lug the heavy things once a week or so.

I'm fixing chili and cornbread for supper tonight.  That's mostly a chilly weather meal but it's been on my mind a lot lately and the weather has been pretty mild for August.  I've barely used the fans and the air conditioner, not at all.  I do use the fan at night because I love to sleep cold and the fan blowing on me at night helps me sleep well.  Partly it's the white noise and partly just the sensation of the wind on me.  After supper I'll tackle the living and dining rooms and then settle down for knitting and tv.  I've already showered so I don't have to do that tonight but I will have to iron a t-shirt to wear because my shirts are crammed in the drawer and badly wrinkled.  I don't have room in the closet to hang them up either because Zach's closet is overflowing so he's sharing mine.

This is a tiny house.

Well, off to get the cornbread out of the oven.


Friday, August 19, 2011

It feels like Saturday

Tom took a vacation day today in order to get tomorrow off for his nephew's wedding so I went to get a card and do my regular shopping plus a stop at the credit union to deposit his work shoes check.  They reimburse him for his work shoes.  While there I just did all the banking I had coming up this week so I don't have to go back at all.

When we got home I went out back, tied up some tomato plants and mowed around the garden and the garage.  Zach does a good job mowing but he's too timid about mowing too close to things.  Me, I'm practically a maniac when it comes to mowing too close.  I don't mow down my plants but I get really, really close to them.  Now he's out there finishing up the mowing.  Tomorrow I'll do the weed-eating.  It's way too late to plant my flower garden so I'll just focus on getting the ground ready for next year.

Zach requested tacos tonight which is a pretty easy meal but uses up a dozen dishes so I have to find the kitchen counter before I can even begin.  Beginning with emptying out the dishwasher so I can fill it up again. But I think I'll take a break before tackling it.

I'm still working on the bathroom curtain, trying to figure out a pattern I like.  I think I finally found something.  It's fairly easy and has an open weave pattern that isn't too transparent.  I should get back to Zach's sweater, too.  I dread it because the gauge is off and I have to figure it out as I go.  My biggest problem with raglan sweaters is my length gauge.  For some reason my width will be spot on but my length will be too many stitches per inch and I end up with an armhole somewhere around the waist.

I'd love to go put my feet up and knit for a bit but Tom is in the living room and is all stretched out on the couch, which is the only seating that fits in there.  No room for a chair.  Plus he's changing channels every few minutes.  I wonder if that is embedded in the Y chromosome as my dad has done that as far back as I can remember.  My mother lamented she never gets to watch an entire show.

Well, I'll figure something out.  Maybe I'll just empty the dishwasher now since I don't have anything else to do.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The universe hates me

What a night!  Due to having slept for 12 hours two nights in a row, I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night, and when it finally happened, the universe conspired against me yet again.  Mr. Roommate next door came home about a half hour after I finally dropped off.  Instead of driving around the circular street, he goes around the island in the middle of the intersection which means he has to rev his engine to make the sharp turn and then he has to back up, go forward, and back up again to park in front of the fire hydrant.  The police never, ever patrol while he's parked there.  Ever.  Tom thinks he works for the police dept.  I mean, it's so obvious that the police avoid our street until he's gone.

So that woke me up and I tossed and turned because when I woke up, the pain woke up, too and it takes a while for the tramadol to kick in.  So...finally a couple of hours later (by this time the sun was peeking over the horizon) Hannibal knocked over the cup of water I had sitting on the end table for Professor.  Which completely bathed the comforter...and Professor.  So I had to get up and rip the comforter off quickly before it soaked through to the sheet, mattress pad and couch.  And find another cover.  And dry Professor off.

He does this on purpose to see the water spill but up until this point he had been unable to tip the cup over.  He finally figured out how to do it this morning.

I finally got back to sleep after 7 a.m. but Tom had to go into work early today so he was up puttering about in the dining room and kitchen around 9.  And by puttering I mean turning the tv on loud before turning it down again, clattering silverware and banging dishes around and slamming the upstairs door shut when he went upstairs.  He says if he tries to be quiet he makes more noise than if he just does things normally.  I'm here to tell him that's not true.

So I was up by 9:30 a.m. and I'm dragging my butt today.  I got the laundry off the line, folded it, put the whites in the dryer because no one likes cardboard underwear and socks, and have done little else.  I tried to nap but as soon as I turned the tv off and laid my head down, my eyes popped open and I couldn't sleep.  But if I try to watch tv or read, I can't keep my eyes open.

So now it's time to figure out what to cook for supper and get it done.  We have to work in the yard tomorrow so I desperately need a good night's sleep tonight.  What I really need is every night to be a good night's sleep.

Whatever knitting I do tonight will have to be straight knitting because I'm sure to fall asleep doing it.  I once fell asleep knitting on a sweater for Zach and finished the whole row while asleep.  Unfortunately I knitted part of it when I was supposed to be purling.  I have also been known to fall asleep at the computer while typing.  Just ask Zach.

I should get busy with supper instead of just thinking about it.  Probably hamburger stroganoff and broccoli.  Easy to fix and doesn't require a lot of dishes to wash.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Feeling nearly normal again

I didn't get to the basement today but I did hang some clothes out.  I've got one load out now and will hang another one out as soon as I finish this entry.  Then I'll stick another load in the washer and hang it out.  I like to hang them overnight and let the dew soften them.  I haven't been as ambitious as I should have this summer so it felt good to get out there and do it.  I also pulled some weeds on my way in and out the door. 

Tomorrow we'll mow but I wanted to hang clothes out today and we can't mow and have clothes on the line at the same time.

I wasn't going to go anywhere today but Tom wanted me to pick up a sympathy card for a co-worker whose father died so I picked up pizza as well.  Instead of cooking tonight I'll vacuum and do some de-cluttering.  It's not as bad as it usually gets because I've been following a certain person around picking up after him but it's starting to add up so I would feel better if I had some clean surfaces in here somewhere.

I'm debating whether or not to plant my lavender in the front garden or keep it in a pot.  It's done absolutely nothing in the pot so far so I'm thinking it needs to be in the ground.  I have a location available because my wildflower died and needs to be replaced.  Maybe tomorrow.

I only got a bit of knitting done yesterday.  I worked on the blue and white baby boucle blanket but it took a while to get it out of the basket because the car key fairies tangled it all up with the pink and white boucle log cabin blanket.  Considering I only laid the blue/white blanket on top of the pink/white blanket, there is no other explanation as to how they got so terribly tangled up.  Seriously.

Tonight I'm going to dig out the bathroom curtain and get back to work on it, plus work on Zach's sweater.  If I have to I'll use another pattern to figure out the v-neck portion.  Or just wing it.  I also definitely need to spend less time online.  I keep getting sucked back in, mostly with the political stuff going on here in Wisconsin.  I don't watch news on tv because it's so manipulative...they decide which sound bites you're going to it takes me reading several newspapers online to get to what I believe is the real story.  But that takes an enormous amount of time. I'll have to figure something else out.

On to hang out clothes and then some knitting and tv watching.


Monday, August 15, 2011

I'm entitled to my crabby moods and don't try to tell me differently

Just kidding....maybe.

Tom is going to a wedding this weekend so I'm going to dry clean his suit in the dryer (the over-the-counter stuff you can buy in the laundry section) and wash his shirt for him.  I'll tackle it tomorrow when I do laundry.  I also plan on digging out the basement a bit.  I can't keep up with the standing puddle because there is so much junk in the way it's hard to squeegee past it all.  So I'll just move it out of the way. I should have a bin full of trash to get rid of, too.

I was invited to the wedding but the reception is a fancy do and I literally got sick to my stomach when I read the invitation.  I have developed phobias late in life and crowds and new places are part of those phobias.  I do well enough staying in my safe places and dealing with the things I have to deal with because I have no choice, but social events are very, very difficult for me.  This started when we left our old fundie church.  I did okay at the new church but kept creeping further and further into the background.  Now we don't even go there anymore and I just can't find a social event that doesn't fill me with terror.

Shopping and errands don't bother me at all and I'm so used to the hospital and doctor's office that they don't bother me either, although the trip to Fond du Lac is a pain in the ass, but for some reason getting together in a social event literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I did go to my sister-in-law's birthday party this summer and while it was fun, I was literally full of butterflies the whole time.  I managed to sit in a corner nearly the entire time I was there.  That helped, having walls behind me.

I also need to work in the yard and soon.  The weeds will be taller than the house before long and I can't find the rose bushes anymore.  Okay, I can find the rose bushes...that was hyperbole.  Still, I need to get more functional.  It's hard to do when most of my nights are interrupted by fibromyalgia pain and I have to wait for the pain pills to kick in, but I need to push past that and just get stuff done.  I will feel better about myself and maybe that will kick-start me moving into making healthier choices and therefore losing weight and getting my other health issues taken care of.  Instead I'm just a lump that keeps getting lumpier.

I didn't knit yesterday at all.  I was in a bad mood (and not much better today) and tried very hard not to take it out on anyone else but I'm sure Tom will say that I didn't succeed.  At least I didn't throw things.  There is that.  I have no idea why I'm in a bad mood so I don't know how to get out of it.

Well, supper is nearly ready.  I'm not eating...just not in the mood but I had to cook for Tom and Zach.  Sometimes Zach does the cooking but tonight I just didn't want anyone around so he's off the hook.  So I guess I need to stick Tom's potatoes in the toaster oven and then I can make up the bed and crash for the night.  Maybe some blanket knitting  (I need the mindless stuff tonight) and some light reading.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sunday blahs

Not feeling perky today.  I had peanut butter toast for lunch and it's lying on my stomach like a rock so I'm not inclined to put anything else in there for a while.  Although Zach tempted me with an ice cream cone just a few minutes ago.  Not sure if I want to drive to McSnacky's but we'll see.

It occurred to me while knitting on Zach's v-neck that my length-gauge is off and that's why I knitted 12 rows per stripe.  The decreases will be off, too.  Not sure how to remedy it just yet but I'll figure it out somehow.  Nearing the shoulders the pattern calls for more rows between decreases so I might be able to make the adjustment there.  I just have to be aware of the length from the armholes up.

I had forgotten about the bathroom curtain I was knitting on so I need to pull that out as Tom is going to take vacation to work on the bathroom soon.  I'm still a ways off.  Maybe I should limit my works in progress from now on.

I went out this morning and pulled weeds in the garden but it was still pretty soggy so I only got what I could reach from the sides.  Tobacco needs to be picked again but I'm not up for it today.  I noticed while I was walking Professor around the yard that the weeds are winning the contest so I need to get out there this week and find my roses and re-plant the front flower garden.  I'm just not a gardener.

I noticed that StuffMart is carrying classic literature in the book section now.  They had Edith Hamilton's Mythology, which I forced myself to buy.  Okay, maybe forced is too strong a word.  I grabbed it off the shelf is what I did.  I found that book when I was in grade school (I was reading in the adult section from 3rd grade on) and checked it out so much throughout my school years that I practically had it memorized.  So now it's in my hot little hands.

Tom is cutting last year's tobacco right now.  I bought him a self-healing mat and rotary scissors to see if that worked out.  Cutting with a box cutter seemed to risky to me.

Well, I finished up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone + movie so I've started Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  It goes quickly at first because the books are mostly for children at first.  I love how the complexity of the novels grow as Harry does.

Off to lie down for a bit and see if I get my appetite back.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Nothing like a gentle rain and a soft breeze

I slept late and did some errand-running and bill paying this afternoon but little else.  I'm cooking supper right now but as I had a late, late lunch, I'm not eating.  I need to stop just eating because it's mealtime.  It was overcast most of the day and right now a lovely rain is falling with a wondrous breeze coming in through the windows.  Because there is little wind, the awnings are keeping the rain out and the air movement in.  We've used the fans very little this week, thankfully.  In light of how much we used the air conditioner last month, it's a bonus.  Although with all the additional electricity used by the a/c we only increased the utility bill by about $30.  Not bad but if we had to use the a/c more regularly it would be way out of reach.

I'm thankful I don't have to water the garden today and that the bin is filling up with rainwater so I won't have to use anything from the tap but I have to get out there and pull weeds.  I have some in the garden taller than the tomato plants.  Which, by the way are laden with green tomatoes right now.  Won't be long before I'm making spaghetti sauce.

I worked on baby blankets last night as I was really tired and mentally wiped out from the movie and the driving.  I really do need to work steadily on them so I can finish them up.  I'm still trying to find a charity to deliver them to...possibly the food pantry but I'm going to check and see if the library does anything like that.

Tonight, however, I'm going to finish up the front of Zach's sweater...I hope.  I'm nearly to the place to divide for the v-neck.  Knitting is so much easier with 2-inch stripes to make measuring so much more visible.  I've looked over the front so far and found one fuzzy stitch where the yarn was just not as nice as the rest of it and while it's taking everything in me not to rip back and fix it, I'm leaving it in.  Nobody but me will notice it and I just want to move on so I can start more clothing projects instead of blankets.

I may go to sleep earlier tonight so I can start getting up sooner.  I feel like the day is over when I don't get up before noon and yet I do need the sleep because of all the years of 4-5 hours that I've been getting.  And I hope it's quieter tonight.  The big black dogs from up the street were in our yard last night about 2:30 a.m. and Professor went ape-shit barking and growling at them.  This is happening more and more often but my husband won't say anything to the guy about it.  sigh  And when I got home from the store today there was a huge (these are Rottweiler's after all) pile of dog shit right in front of the steps.  Between the guy who parks in front of the fire hydrant (at 3 in the morning with his noisy truck) and the dogs racing around our yard leaving deposits like that and causing our dog to get hysterical, I'm not a happy person.

Ear plugs wouldn't help. Professor's shrill yappiness would pierce right through them.  Plus I cannot sleep with ear plugs in.  I tried that when after years of sharing a bedroom with the snoring champion of the world I finally decided sleep was more important than togetherness.

Well, supper is nearly ready so I'm off to turn on the tv and gather up my knitting and get to it.  Plus I'm reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as well.  I do wish I could read the original versions instead of the dumbed down American version.  Stupid idea to Americanize the books when the story is obviously taking place in England.  I mean...missed opportunity here for the kids to learn about the customs and vernacular of other countries.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Finally....Harry Potter

We finally got there, to the movies to see Deathly Hallows, pt 2.  We even had a private viewing which is what you get when you wait out the crowds and go to the matinees.  Not to mention half the price.  It was amazing!  I'm not a purist in that I don't need the movie to be a copy of the book.  I understand compilations have to happen or the movie would be long and boring so I was just fine with all the changes made.  Not to mention J. K. Rowling had script approval so if it was okay with her, it was okay with me.

We stopped at Pizza Hut as we are accustomed to for a bite and then home.  Before we got here we decided to go into town for an ice cream so this turned out to be a 5 hour endeavor.

I can hardly wait for the dvd to come out now.  I'm going to bide my time by re-reading all the books and watching all the movies, including the documentaries. I just wish they had commentaries, too.  Normally I start my annual trek through the LOTR extended edition dvds, including all docs and all commentaries.  It usually takes me until around January to finish them up so I might skip a year and do them every other year now.

I have a dvd from the library I have to finish up soon, maybe tonight so I can get it back.  There's a waiting list so I hate to keep it the full length of time.  It's a knitting dvd by Vicki Square and even though it's a very basic course, I've picked up a few good tips.  Not to mention the motivation to do something more than blankets.

Well, I need to clean the kitchen before I hit the bed.  Fortunately I had half my P-zone leftover and Zach had a couple of slices of his pizza left so that will be Tom's supper tonight.  No cooking!  Yay!

Off to finish up my meager chores and then to bed.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Moving on

I fasted last night, actually for about 15 hours, for my labs only to find out I didn't need to fast.  But on the other hand I slept pretty good so maybe no food after a certain hour is a good idea for sleep.  The tech was brilliant and, while she struggled to find a vein, didn't hurt me a bit.  I asked her to take extra blood just in case because I didn't want to come back if they needed to retest the calcium.  She did.

I had determined to ignore firstborn on fb for now but it became difficult when he started ranting on a couple of my links about how awful I was and how I was persecuting Christians and such.  So I made the decision to end the relationship.  I know that sounds cold-blooded but how much shit do you have to take from someone, even your own son, before you just walk away from it.  If he had been unrelated to me, I would have ended the relationship years ago.  I won't say never because I don't predict the future very well but right now I am ending our connection.  From this moment on I can say what I want without fear of his retaliation or his "lecturing" me as if I were an idiot or a child.  Maybe I contributed to this by not speaking up but I'm just not good with confrontation and especially verbal abuse, which is what he's done to me over the years.  So it's done.  Should he call, I won't talk to him.  Should he email me, I won't respond.  I am done being treated this way.

I talked to my mother yesterday and the dress I would like to knit my great-niece would be too small by the time I finished it.  She's already in that size.  That's a shame because it's such a cute dress.  I'll keep an eye out.  I have lots of other nieces and a nephew that I could knit for.  And my mother loves my stuff.

In the meantime, I'm plugging along on Zach's sweater front.  I'm just a few rows away from starting the shoulders and then the V-neck.  When I finish I have to unravel the back so it will be the same length but that's not a huge problem.  It helps that each stripe is 2 inches exactly.  Measuring is a breeze this way.

I also worked on the blue and white baby blanket which has become boring beyond words.  But it's also mindless knitting I can do when I need to put my attention elsewhere.  Like late at night.

I have my "studio" set up and ready to go but probably won't get to it today as it's almost time to start supper.  I need to start getting up sooner but I really do enjoy getting 7-8 hours of sleep, which isn't something I have done much of the past 24 years.  If I could figure out a way to get up early AND get that sleep I would go for it.

Tomorrow we're going to see Harry Potter, finally.  We always wait until the crowds thin out because I am just nervous as can be in crowds.  And we always go to the matinee because it's half-price.  We intended to go a week or so ago and things got in the way so we will definitely go tomorrow.  Barring any other kind of hurdle.

Time to cook so I'm off to fix supper and then cozy up on the couch and knit.  The weather has been lovely lately with temps in the low 70s, not at all usual for August, but I'm not complaining.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bearing up

Physically things are much better today.  I'm slowly doing some cleaning, nothing heavy but much needed vacuuming and dusting.  I set aside a small area for a mini-art studio, in front of the window with a portable table and a lamp.  I can use my computer desk chair so I don't need to sit on a hard wooden chair.  Now to get the motivation to actually get back to drawing.  I also would like to start working with paints as well.  I've got acrylic, water colors, oils and pastels and no real experience with anything but oils.  The area is good as it doesn't have carpet under it in case I spill something.  I can get a plastic cloth for the table or just let it get painted.  It might add to its charm, who knows?

Emotionally I'm still very drained, very angry still and incredibly hurt.  The fact that firstborn thought I was being territorial and thought it funny added to my pain not a little. He was busy this morning attacking my political perspectives, which I'm sure his new mommy and daddy don't share.  It sounds as if they are lining up with him politically and religiously.  My husband thinks this will all blow over and I'll get over it and firstborn and I will just be buddy-buddy in a short amount of time, but I think this one crossed a line for me that won't be forgotten soon.  I really don't hold grudges but at times I think you need to hold onto the things that hurt you in order to prevent the same people from doing it over and over again.  I had to do that with other family members and I think this is another situation that needs to be held onto as well.

Zach did a bang up job on the rest of the house today without being asked.  He cleaned the kitchen, which for him with his OCD is near-miraculous.  He does try to push past his comfort zone.  The fact that he was shaking like a leaf afterwards really meant that he was incredibly uneasy with the germs and such involved in washing dishes.  Even with the rubber gloves on.  I'm so proud of him.

I would very much like to get back to the frugality mindset we used to be on, especially as we need a new car and soon.  I'm trying to hold out until October because we will have just one payment left on the truck then.  I hate having two vehicle payments going on.  I'm going for more practical this time, with a car whose windows roll down, air conditioning and an engine you can work on, including replacing the headlights without having to put it in the shop.  And no leather seats.  I have burned my thighs too many times in the summer on these seats.

I am thinking of subscribing to a knitting magazine.  I don't knit enough clothes and I don't push myself to knit complicated patterns so I'd like to start doing that.  I got a trial copy of Creative Knitting.  I've bought a copy before and I do like that they use yarns I can afford instead of the pricey brands I have no chance of using... ever.  I've got a few copies of Interweave and Vogue but their patterns are more trendy and expensive to knit so I think I'm going to go with this mag.  They've got Knit 'n Style at StuffMart but it costs a bit more and I don't see as many patterns in there that I like.

There is a pattern in Creative Knitting July 2011 of a girl's dress that I would love to knit for my great-niece but I hesitate to as I have no idea what she likes.  Even with inexpensive yarn it would still cost a bit and the time element involved would also add to the emotional value of it.  To put that much effort into it and have her turn her nose up would put me in a down mood.  Still, I love the dress and would love to knit it.  sigh

It's about time to gather up sock yarn for the winter.  I don't need any thin socks but I might knit a couple of pairs so I can keep some gifts on hand.   And I definitely need more bulky socks but I don't want to use Wool Ease again.  I might just go with wool this time.  The wool socks I knit several years ago don't have a single thin place on them and have never needed darning.  It's getting to be a pain spending all winter darning socks.  Superwash is more expensive though so I might just stick with regular wool.

I got my spun singles out so I will remember that I need to dye them.  I didn't get to them today but I will tomorrow if I can.  I do need to weed the garden tomorrow but that won't take all day and I don't have to get it done all in one day anyway.  I'd love to get it done so I can get back to spinning.  And I need to scour my fleece so I can card and spin it, too.  I just found out that there is a knitting shop out in the country on the way to town and they have their own sheep so I might look into whether they sell fleeces or not.  Or even roving.  It would be nice to have some local wool to wear.

Well, I need to finish up the living room and start supper.  It's later than I thought.  I have labs tomorrow afternoon.  I don't know if they are fasting but I haven't been getting up until noon lately so it won't matter.  I won't have eaten anything by then anyway.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Get me off this roller coaster!

I'm pretty down today.  Actually, that's an understatement.  The drama with the bio dad is a gift that just keeps giving.  After telling me that he was going to go slow, firstborn informed me that his step-siblings were friending him on fb and that for the first time in 39 years, he finally has family who are seeking him out.  What a kick in the teeth, that these people he hasn't even met yet are now his family and his own brother and sister don't and have never mattered because they don't seek him out.  Hyperbole much?

After a bitter conversation with him in which he told me that neither his brother or sister have EVER done anything for him, we signed off on a semi-friendly tone and I left it there.  Except now he's announcing on fb that he's found his bio dad and has a new family and how happy he is.

Going slow?  Riiiiight.  That's why he assigned this new stepmom the role of mother on his family page.  And his step sibling is his sister.  No mention of his biological brother and sister.  And no mention of me.

I have to say that it took my breath away when I saw that.  All the nights I spent losing sleep over his troubles, all the times he woke me up to talk in the wee hours of the night when life was kicking him down.  All the times we gave him money to bail him out of his financial difficulties, gave him a place to live.  Supported him emotionally.  Took his crap when he decided it was his duty to "fix" me and tell me everything that was wrong with me.  Well, that's never going to happen again.

I can only imagine what his dad is thinking right now.  He was by far the better parent and did all I did and more. 

I'm just a bit shell-shocked today and can't find anything to divert my attention from this.  I'm pretty sure he will have something charming to say and tell me how idiotic I'm being, that of course I'm his mother and he's just trying to make up for the "lost" years.  But I can tell you right now it's all bullshit.  I'm through.  Yes, I will always love him but my days of being there for him are over.  He's made his choice and next time he needs a shoulder to cry on or a lap to dump his problems into, it won't be mine.  And next time he needs money he can ask his new mother.  And I most definitely won't be available to listen to his litany of all that's wrong with me.

I can't even knit today...that's how upset I am.


Saturday, August 6, 2011

The back is back

The back pain is...well...back.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night because I couldn't find a position that didn't hurt in spite of taking all the pain meds I'm allowed.  Today I'm walking slowly and gingerly.  And not doing anything beyond a trip to the store and bringing home Subway sandwiches for the guys.  I stopped and got a cup of chili at Wendy's.

So I'm not sure I've hit bottom but I do know that with my weight being carried in the front and in my stomach, it's pulling on those back muscles and my only option to stopping this is to lose the weight.  I guess I'm going back to counting calories as that's the one method that doesn't limit me on certain types of food.  And I'm going to start with slow the house...rather than trying the hills in the neighborhood.  Well, hell, the whole county is full of hills and aside from driving to the mall to walk in the wee hours of the morning, there isn't any place flat to walk.

Maybe putting myself out here publicly will be the impetus I need to get going with this.  I'm not going to start until Monday since Tom is here and I've got tobacco to pick tomorrow.  I figure I can just sit and scoot around the garden.  I've got an old rug I can sit on.  It will kill my knees but maybe won't hurt my back so much.  Zach was mowing tonight but the neighbor is having a party in his backyard and since Zach would be mowing inches away from his party, we decided to finish up the back yard tomorrow.  Plus I have so many weeds to pull around the house.  And weedeating.

And vacuuming.  I dare not use it, light as it is, until my back is feeling better. I suspect I didn't let my back heal properly before getting back into heavy lifting and such.  I'll have to get someone to help me with the couch for a week or so.  It's hard for me to rely on someone else.

Stephen posted his final grades and gpa on his facebook page and his bio dad's wife told him that "dad and I are so proud of you."  Pissed me off.  Stephen calls him by his name, not "dad."  Seems a bit presumptuous to me, but it's their relationship.  Hard as it is for me, I have to stay out of it. 

I'm thinking of crawling into my jammies and getting Zach to help me make up my bed and just calling it a night.  I have plenty to watch on dvr and I can do some knitting if I don't try to knit on anything heavy.  Like the mitered squares.  And if I fall asleep early, I fall asleep.  At this stage I don't care when I sleep as long as I do.

Off to impose on the boy and sit in front of the fans while enjoying a night of doing nothing.


Friday, August 5, 2011

nuclear blast from the past

Been a couple of days, I know, but I had some personal stuff to sort out...blasts from the past sort of things. Definitely not something I wanted back in my life but something that I knew eventually would happen.  My son got in contact with his biological father and I tried very hard to be supportive even in light of the ex's inability to "remember" beating me or that he had done anything to hurt me.  And the "if" apology (you know, if I did anything to hurt you, etc.) was no apology at all.  Ironically, his present wife bragged to my son that bio dad had "rescued" her from an abusive situation. 

I'm better now.  Firstborn is taking it slow and although not convinced his bio dad doesn't remember (there is a history of drug usage), knows how badly I was hurt.

As a result I had a bit of an emotional meltdown and got next to nothing done the past two days.  My back is still sore so I haven't gone out to harvest the tobacco yet but the whole garden looks abandoned because of the weeds.  I'll get out tomorrow when Zach mows the yard and get it done.

I've been knitting mitered squares out of sock yarn and worsted yarn as well.  I'm thinking of making a patchwork jacket out of the worsted weight.  The sock yarn will just accumulate until I have enough for a blanket.  Which will probably be when I'm reaching triple digits on my age.

Otherwise absolutely nothing is going on here so there's nothing much to write about.  I slept 14 hours last night which doesn't make up for the two previous nights of 3-4 hours of sleep each night, but it's certainly better than a third night running.

Well, off to make some lunch and get the inside cleaned up so I can work outside this weekend.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

On the mend

Feeling much better today in spite of a bad night.  I couldn't find a position that didn't hurt in one form or another, maxed out the pain pills and even dipped into the "extra" pill I'm allowed occasionally.  But as the day wore on, the pain in my back lessened to the degree that it's just a tiny bit sore.  I'm able to bend down and even carry stuff now.  Which is good as I just got back from the library and store.

Zach is cooking supper tonight because I just don't feel like it and he needs the practice anyway.  He had anticipated it, fortunately and volunteered.  Just because I'm feeling less pain doesn't mean I'm ready to bounce off the walls any time soon. 

I caved in and used the air conditioner today...again.  I woke up to Tom turning off the window fan, removing it from the window and shutting the window.  It was the only one open and it was already getting muggy out there.  But I was afraid we were getting too used to it so I shut it off when he went to work and left it off until 5 p.m. when I just had to turn it back on again.  It's not very high...the temp is still about 80 in here but it's a drier heat and not so miserable.  The humidity is so high outside that the heat index is about 10 degrees above the ambient temperature.  We had some mild storms today that added to the moisture in the air.

I've been knitting mitered squares lately. I initially planned on using my scrap fingering sock yarn to make candle coasters so the wax doesn't get all over my altar cloth but I really loved how they turned out so I decided to use the squares for a blanket instead and use worsted yarn for the candle coasters.  I love them, too, but since I have tons of worsted yarn, I can spare enough for the coasters and still make something out of maybe a cardigan.  I've seen patterns out there made out of mitered squares.

I also worked a lot on the sweater front.  I really do need some new needles and had planned to pick some up when we go see Harry Potter since there's a Banner Crafts in that town, but chances of us making it there before closing, after the movie, are slim to none, so I think I might just order some from Lion Brand and go ahead and get my winter sock yarn from them.  I knit myself worsted socks out of Wool Ease because they feel so darned good but most of my socks wore out last spring.  They were a few years old and I wear them all the time so it's not surprising.  A trip to Hartford would use up the gas for shipping and handling anyway and I can have more color choices this way so next month, or the end of this month, I'll send out an order.

Otherwise I'm slowing down on yarn purchases.  I do plan on getting some new fingering weight sock yarn for gifts for my family, especially my dad, but aside from that, not getting any new yarn.  But I'm not going to promise in case I have to renege. 

I'm pretty sleepy so I think I'll crawl into my pajamas, which is just a tank top and a pair of knit shorts, make up the bed and let myself sleep early if I need to.  It was daylight before I finally closed my eyes last night...or I mean, this morning.


Monday, August 1, 2011

Down in the back

Not much of a post today.  Saturday night I was making up the couch/futon and pulled something in my lower left back and it's no better today.  In fact, might be a bit more sore.  Just a pulled muscle, no nerve damage.  I've done this before and heat and rest are all that will fix it.  Unfortunately I continued to make the couch back up and didn't help my back at all.  From now on someone else will be doing the bed for me.

I've gotten some knitting done and some tv watching but little else.  Tom took care of the kitchen and Zach is taking care of everything else  I'm maxing out on pain pills and it's not helping a lot.  We've put off Harry Potter until I can sit without fidgeting.

The computer chair isn't comfortable so I'm heading back to the couch.  Hope to be back in a few days.s