Wednesday, January 30, 2008


It's very, very cold today and I'm not looking forward to sitting in the car waiting for Zach tonight. I may take my stuff inside and wait for him in the warmth. Maybe not so much knitting but some reading at least. The wind chill is about -28 today.

I've got to learn to take better pictures. Or at least take more time setting them up. They look good on the camera but when I transfer them to the computer they get all dark and the colors don't show up.

This is the sock from the yarn I won from Angie's contest. One sock done and the other barely started. I'm sending these to my baby sister. Since my older sister gets the sabbatical socks, I don't want Stephanie to feel left out.

And Mom has hinted that she wouldn't mind getting a pair so I'll have to look into starting some for her. She likes the heavy weight socks so I'll have to make a trip to the LYS to find some superwash wool for her.

I've not been on the computer much lately. Zach's school takes up more time than last year, it seems. Or I seem to be in the car more. It's mostly during the day this semester, thank goodness but at least I'm not sitting in the dark trying to knit or read by streetlight. Except for one night a week.

I'm battling a lot of fatigue and pain lately from a combination of fibromyalgia, arthritis and me falling down more than is good for me. I've managed to stay on my feet for a whole week now so I'm thinking that's some kind of record for me of late. The pain is manageable with tramadol and tylenol but the fatigue is not something I can treat except with lots of rest. But I feel guilty when I'm not getting real work done on the house or looking for a job. And the guilt adds to my stress level which makes the fatigue worse. Fortunately I'm sleeping really well these days without the sword of Damocles hanging over my head every moment.

The swelling is still there on my knee and the bruising is starting to come to the surface but I can touch my knee now without nausea and tears. Only the skin has no feeling in it. I'm sure that will come back.

I have a few projects going on. I'm Knitting4Lent with a few other members from church, including the priest. If you're on Ravelry there's a group for them. I'm just doing it with our church and not participating so much with anyone online. I don't particularly like the hat pattern from the site but it's easy and mindless and I can use lots of my stash yarn that I want to get rid of. Boy, that sounds bad, doesn't it? It's good yarn for hats and such but not so much for sweaters and anything like that. Having been a sailor myself, I have a soft spot for mariners so I like the charity and I needed something for my lenten discipline. Although I do have some more spiritual exercises in mind as well.

I can't believe Ash Wednesday is almost upon us. This is my favorite time of the church calendar. And it's my second Lenten season in the Episcopal church. I'm so happy where I am. Finally.

I haven't done much with the cabled sweater but I need to get back to it. Batteries died in the camera or I would take a picture of the slippers I knitted up for Zach. Maybe tomorrow.

Off to bundle up under a blanket, knit and watch Midsomer Murders.


Saturday, January 26, 2008

Me not knitting much. Me falling down a lot.

I've been exercising my brain lately with British mysteries. Gosh, how I love them. I found a new author I hadn't read before: Margaret Yorke. Very impressive. And of course, Elizabeth George. I love the books better than the series on PBS but I do like to watch them as well as read them.

And with Jane Austin on Masterpiece, it's like getting Christmas for months afterward.

But...almost no knitting is going on today. I did knit some last night while Zach and I watched Monty Python. He just loves their humor. Me, too. And one of my favorites: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

I've been working on the Supersocke and just started the heel flap last night. I had to take time out to knit Zach some slippers. Almost done with the second one. I just need to put the cuff on it. It's an old pattern my late mother-in-law gave me but I made adjustments to it. I think the leaflet is from the 40's.

Also been working on a pair of Woolease socks which I need. And Zach's pink sweater, which I switched to Caron Simply Soft instead of Red Heart. I just couldn't stand the feel of it any more. I haven't worked much on the cabled sweater lately though.

Been reading a lot.

It snowed yet again last night. We got about 4 inches. I wasn't up to helping Zach shovel today and since Tom doesn't help him at all, he had to do it himself. It didn't hurt him to do it, but I understand how tired he is of it and how nice it would have been if Tom had gone out there with him to help. It would have helped them create a bond. Although I suspect it's too late for that now. He missed out on opportunities to do things with Zach. I guess he only wanted to do fun things with him (although his idea of fun and Zach's haven't been similar in a long time.) It's a shame he didn't realize that it would have made the chores more fun if he had done them alongside Zach instead of sending him off to do distasteful things.

His loss, my gain. It's not like I enjoyed doing the stuff, but I enjoyed spending time with Zach. And I hate sending anyone off to do something I hate doing myself. I'd much rather share the load.

I'm hoping to make it to church tomorrow. I fell again this week and landed hard on the same knee I hurt last week. I did some serious hurtage to my knee this time. Just the light touch of my jeans against the knee was enough to send me into clenched teeth and sweating. And poor Professor landed on my knee untold times this week. I can lightly touch it now although I won't be kneeling at the altar for Eucharist this week. I think I'll stand.

It's amazing, though, how people managed to not see me writhing in pain on the curb of a busy store, clutching my knee and trying not to throw up from the pain. I must have sat there for a good 5 minutes before I was able to get up and walk into the store and sit on a chair and try not to faint. Zach was in class so he wasn't with me and I needed my prescriptions or I would have just gone back to the car and waited for him to get out.

I'm just glad I didn't break it. I guess all those calcium suppliments have helped. Unfortunately, it hasn't helped my arthritis a bit. I been increasing my maximum pain pill dosage the past few days for the arthritis and the knee pain from the fall. I have permission from my doctor to do that as long as I don't do it for many days in a row. And I never have taken it this many days in a row before. It's good though because I haven't even taken so much as a tylenol today.

I was going to spin today but Tom got up and was watching documentaries in the living room and since I wasn't in the mood for that, I got caught up on internet stuff I've been missing with the internet down for nearly a week.

But now I need to go get ready for church tomorrow. I've really missed it.


Friday, January 25, 2008

Fried Modem Redux

Yep. It did it again. This time with the modem I bought just a couple of months ago. The cable company replaced the modem but guess what? Yep. We're back to renting again. Oh, well. At least next time the modem fries, I won't be out $63. They wouldn't admit it was their fault though. The outage, I guess, was just a coincidence.

I haven't gotten a lot of knitting done. My emotions have been all over the place but there is good news out there. The life-changing news that has been keeping me awake for months is no longer a concern. Ain't gonna happen. I'm so relieved that I'm sleeping a lot these days...some of it in the car waiting for Zach.

Yes, he's back at school and with two classes at Fond du Lac along with Computer Club on alternate Fridays, two at Beaver Dam and one online, he's going to be a busy boy. And so will I.

The great news is he's been invited to join Phi Theta Kappa. This is the equivalent of Phi Beta Kappa only for 2 year colleges. He got 4.0 last semester. A perfect score.

I've been doing better at spinning. I just haven't had the time to do much of it.

Short entry tonight but I have to go cut the pizza and eat it so...


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Time flies when you're sleeping most of it

I know you can't really catch up on lost sleep but it sure feels good to try. I don't know what is going on but I am getting some wondrous sleep. So much so that I may end up with a few hours in savings. I've been getting some naps in as well as going to bed a bit earlier than normal (although we're still talking post-midnight) and sleeping well past 10 a.m.

Just in time for the start of Zach's second semester.

We got the rest of his books today so we're all ready to go. Got his grades from last semester as well. Straight A's. I'm so proud.

Not so proud of the pink/black sweater though. It's been frogged and another one started in its place. The finished product was just too tight in the sleeves and across the shoulders so I found another raglan sweater on Knitty and started it yesterday. It took me a while to unseam the darn thing. I'm just too good and weaving in loose ends.

I am progressing on the cabled sweater. I took it with me to meet up with Vicki and had trouble knitting the moss stitch and talking at the same time so I had to put it up until I could figure out where I made my mistake. Instead I pulled out the supersocke sock and worked an inch or so on it. Vicki appropriately drooled over it.

As usual she had something wonderful and intricate on her needles. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from dropping open and drooling on myself while watching her knit.

We had a good time even though I still felt like I babbled a lot. I need more social interaction, I think. I spent the last 20 years talking mostly to my son and my husband. I need to practice on more people than the cashier at StuffMart.

We have snow once again and it looks like we'll be getting a bit more tomorrow. Certainly there is more than the "less than an inch of accumulation" that was promised. Plus it's going to get bitterly cold tonight and last for a few days. I'm glad I got all the shopping done today. I don't plan on going out tomorrow.

Zach says I need to exercise my brain more so I'm going to do some reading this weekend and lay off the computer more. Plus, I really have a lot of things to do to get ready for next week. I have to plan lunches to take with us and figure out meals to cook in the crockpot. And I didn't get any audiobooks so I may have to burn something free off the internet to take with me. Or just listen to music or read. There's a concept.

I think I'm off for another nap. I feel positively giddy with all the sleep I've been getting.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Good news/bad news and the occasional flurry

Zach shoveled the driveway and sidewalk today while I was gone to the library. When I got home, you couldn't tell he had done it.

I gave him a reprieve and told him he doesn't have to shovel again until tomorrow morning.


We had occasional flurries in the forecast. What we had in actuality was a snow shower with poor visibility on the roads out there. But I viewed it as practice for the twice weekly trips up to Fond du Lac so I took the highway instead of the back road. I was impressed with the other drivers not pushing the limits and keeping their speeds down.

I got Clara Parkes' Book of Yarn at the library today. I'm not very far into it but I love the conversational tone of it. I can learn this way.

On the good news/bad news front, I got my spinning out today and plied my black sheep wool and was surprised how quickly it plied and how easily. It's wrapped in a wet towel right now but I'll see how well it did after I hang it up later.

More good news is I worked with the roving I got from the Sheep & Wool festival and it is working up exactly the same as the black sheep rolags I've made. Which means (and this is a good news/bad news thing) that my 80 lbs of fleece will be okay to card because the problem is in the spinning and not the carding. Now I just have to be consistent and spin, spin, spin until I've got it right. So I'm putting the S&W roving up for now and will be working on preparing the black sheep fleece for spinning. I have enough to make a major project out of so I should get busy with it.

Plus, my kick spindle is small enough I can bring it in the car with me when I travel as designated driver for Zach. I won't be limited to knitting or reading so I probably won't get burned out as quickly as I did last semester.

More good news. The sun is out although low on the horizon and the winterscape is just breathtaking. My little neighborhood is beautiful no matter what season.

And in spite of getting no sleep again last night, I'm feeling pretty positive about my future, whatever it is. So much so that I'm thinking of picking up my TKGA level one again and going for it. I'm really jazzed about the cabling I've been doing. And I think I've finally figured out my ribbing. I just needed to get away from it and just do the knitting.

So here is the cabled cardigan I'm doing now. It's from Family Circle Knitting, Winter '96/'97. In the reverse stockinette section there is supposed to be hearts but I'm not fond of hearts and I didn't bother to find any other design to go in there. I kind of like the plainness of it. The color is very close to what it looks like in real life. At least on my monitor.

What I have to do to get the tight cable is a bit bizarre, but it works for me. I discovered during my TKGA work earlier that to get uniform ribbing, I have to use reverse combination knitting where I purl normally (which I do continental) but instead of "scooping" my knit stitch, I wrap the yarn over the needle and bring it through the loop. (I'll try to get Zach to help me get some video of it tomorrow.)

For the cabling I have to scoop my purls and wrap my knit stitch from the top. I get such uniform stitches that I wonder if I ought to knit that way all the time. It's really not that much harder and only a little slower from my normal way of knitting. I guess this is what it takes for me to get the same tension on both stitches.

I've decided to put the hood on Zach's pink & black sweater but darn that Red Heart yarn. The neckline of the front is so untidy that picking up stitches looks terrible but aside from re-knitting it, there is no way to fix it and he wants to wear it next week. I think since he won't really wear the hood, it will sort of drape down over the neckline and hide the ugliness of the loose stitches there. I can't figure out what I did wrong and the only thing I can think of is that it's just the nature of the yarn.

Now the best news....I have a knitting meetup with Miss Vicki tomorrow evening in Beaver Dam. I can't wait.

Off to take a nap before supper.


Sunday, January 13, 2008

In which our heroine demonstrates she is as graceful as a whale on ice

We didn't make it to church this morning yet again. Zach was feeling bad last night and went to bed early with some cold medicine so I knew he wasn't going to make it. It's rare that he misses. He so loves church. But I was up off and on as usual and saw that it was snowing furiously about 3 a.m. and had already left a couple of inches on top of the three we already had so I shut the alarm off and went back to bed.

I just had no energy to clear the driveway off (not to mention the five inches of snow on the car) before going to church. Especially while Tom sat at the computer playing solitaire.

So he said he was going to shovel snow today since Zach was sick in bed but by 2:00 he hadn't gotten dressed yet and was still at the computer playing solitaire so I got bundled up and went out to shovel. He said he planned on doing it before he went to work but I didn't want to wait until 9 p.m. to get it shoveled.

I was almost done (remember we do the neighbor's walk and porch, as well) when I heard the door open and looked up to see Zach all bundled up. Tom went into his room and told him to get out of bed and help me shovel snow. (Well, he asked him in such a way that left him no room to refuse.) Then he went to bed.

I was really peeved and told Zach we would go get a few things at the grocery. There's no way I can go meatless as long as I live with Tom. He has fixed bacon every day since I started it. And he knows bacon is my weakness. I didn't give in but I found myself eating everything else in the house.

I'm going back to counting calories, I guess. It's really the only thing that has worked and I needed some sugar-free snacks to eat.

I was walking across the parking lot and stepped on some black ice and went down like a rock on my left leg. Right in front of a car. Bless his heart, this young man stopped and rolled his window down to see if I was alright. Zach was trying his best to help me up but I felt like a beached whale. I couldn't get my footing because I was on a solid sheet of ice. I would try to get up and slip right back down. Three times. Eventually, though, I managed to get up and get to the car. When I got in and sat down I was able to give in a bit to the pain. Oh, mercy it hurt. I skinned my knee and bruised it badly but aside from some soreness in my hip, that's all the harm I did.

Some days I am okay but other days I feel like a caged prisoner. I wonder if I can continue to live like this.

Masterpiece starts anew tonight with some Jane Austin. It looks good so I plan on knitting on a cabled cardigan I started last night. It's in one of my knitting magazines, which I will attempt to photograph tomorrow. I'm pretty pleased with the way it's turned out. Cabling was a huge problem for me but I'm using combination knitting and it's much tighter than it used to be. I still have some loose stitches though. I don't know how some people do it so neatly.

I knitted a few rows with the sock yarn from heaven. I know what people mean when they say yarn makes them happy. This stuff really does that. I may have to marry it.

Off to knit and wait for Persuasion.


Friday, January 11, 2008

Frogging on Friday

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today.

Yesterday, while searching diligently for all my UFOs (and finding only some of them) I located a dishcloth shawl I've been knitting off and on so I decided to keep it by the computer and add to it while reading blogs and the news and such. Today I spread it out a bit to see how big it was and found two huge holes in it where I missed a couple of stitches.

So I frogged, which wasn't easy because it was Red Heart Symphony, which has mohair-like consistency. It didn't want to be frogged.

Then I looked at the Hibito sweater and really didn't like the way the diagonal stitches were working up so I got the measuring tape out and it was way off gauge.

It got frogged.

I went to the library to return some stuff and as I was pulling in the driveway Zach came out and told me the library called and I was missing the last dvd in Stargate Sg-1, season 8. Yep...still in the dvd player.

I would have frogged that if I could have.

Why is it, whenever I double check, the dvd is always in the case, but if I forget it just once, it's not there?

It's the car key fairies, I tell you.

I did manage a nap today without an interruptions. That rarely happens. If Professor doesn't start barking at a squirrel or the dog across the street, a telemarketer will call (in spite of being on the no-call list.)

God bless him, Zach took the phone into his bedroom today when he saw I was napping.

What would be ideal though is to actually sleep at night. Now that would be great.

I'm going meatless for a while. I don't know how long it will last but I've got to keep trying. Something has to give or I'm going to be back where I started. On Demand doesn't have Tai Chi anymore but they have some dvds at the library. And I've got a ton of tapes and dvds that have different exercise types. I just have to actually use them.

Not much knitting today. I started the supersocke last night and felt like I was in the presence of something wonderful. I love the feel of the yarn. I may have to spread this out so I can savor it. Maybe a few rounds a day.

Nah...I'll probably whip through this like a woman possessed.

Off to knit and maybe go to bed early tonight. To tell the truth, I'm ready now.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Here be socks

The sabbatical socks for my sister to take to Europe with her. I expect pictures of the socks with very old landmarks.

Bought some of Zach's textbooks today. It's cheaper to get them at Moraine Park, not only because we can sell them back at the end of the term, but this way we don't get the wrong textbooks or the wrong edition. Plus, I want to support Moraine Park as much as possible. They do a great job there and need to be rewarded for it.

We had to order the ones for some of his classes in Fond du Lac. I'm glad I didn't wait until the last day to get his books.

I'm going with the supersocke yarn. Thanks to Jeanne who responded in the last post. It didn't take much to talk me into it, but someone needed to do it.

And thanks for the advice. I'll never let anyone talk to me the way Tom talked to me on New Year's Eve ever again. I will walk away. If I can't, I will stick my fingers in my ears and sing the lala song until I can walk away. It's verbal abuse and I won't put up with it again.

Ailsa, you rock, too. Thanks so much for the support and great things you had to say. are a blogging wonder these past few days. :-)

And to everyone else who was there for me...huge hugs! All that love and good wishes has really boosted me.

Okay, enough sappy stuff. I think I'm going to work on spinning next week. It's my last week at home before Zach's school starts again. I need to actually spin the roving I bought at the Sheep & Wool festival last fall instead of not spinning the black sheep rolags I've so badly carded and rolled. I need to work on the good stuff so I can feel good about the spinning.

Then it's going to be back to structure and trying to fit everything in. I'm most likely going to apply at the hospital for any position I can find to get my foot in the door. I found out they occasionally have the CNA classes for free (in exchange for working for them) so I think I'm going to look into that. I still want to do that but I also want to work on getting good at knitting and spinning instead of just running in place like I have been doing.

I cast on for this last night in the yarn I got from Hobby Lobby before Christmas. It's a sage green and the name of the yarn is I Love this Yarn. I don't know if I do or not but it was cheap and so soft and the color was right. I want to make this for my mother for Christmas next year. Or maybe Mother's Day.

Also, I need to get back on track for eating better. I got on the scale today and just about screamed. I'm going to make sure I get exercise into my life this time. Charter on Demand has Tai Chi so I might try that for stress. Heaven knows I need something for that.

I've also decided (after frogging several UFOs last night and finding no less than 7 circular needles) to limit my projects from now on. I'm so much a project knitter but I do like to finish something now and then. It makes me feel better about myself.

I wonder how long that resolve will last though.

I need a light tent, too, but since Tom isn't going to get around to it...or anything else he's promised to do for me, then I'm going to have to stop depending on him and just do it myself, darn it.

And I'm going to have to learn how to work on the car as well before if falls apart like the last one did.

Off to knit and watch Angel and SG-1.


Tuesday, January 8, 2008


I had an epiphany last night: I hate knitting blankets. Not even lacy or textured blankets.

Well, maybe I could knit this one.

But definitely not the one I was knitting last night. It has been frogged and I'm knitting a baby hoodie instead ( can't remember where I got the pattern.) I figure I can knit several baby sweaters with the yarn it would take to knit one blanket.

I don't like the socks I'm knitting. I'm trying to use up some Woolease I've got and I do like the color combination. But I really want to knit this yarn, the Supersocke.

I really, really want to go through my UFOs and decide what I'm going to actually finish and what I've lost interest in and rip those back into oblivion. I'm just not sure I have the energy to do that. It involves a lot of detective work locating all of it.

Flashlights and everything. Maybe even a magnifying glass.

I must have a lot of UFOs because I have almost no circular needles in my plastic bin.

I also want to go through my house and get rid of everything I don't need, put things I need where I can locate them, and clean what ever I can find.

No, seriously. I really want to do that.

Ain't gonna happen though.

My ambitions don't correlate to my incentives. I got no follow-through and I'm not sure how to get it.

I had my old library card number memorized but for some reason I can't get this new one down to memory. Probably because my new Internet Explorer has a fill-in-the-blank function that automatically fills ithe number in to my online account.

I got Stargate Atlantis and Vicar of Dibley: season 2 from the library today. I haven't finished SG-1 season 8 yet. I hate it when they all come in at the same time. I have to do marathons in order to finish them on time. I think in the future, I will just put one thing on hold at a time.


I'm going to wait to put my application in for Moraine Park. There is really nothing I can do this term and after figuring out the cost of the course, I realize I don't have the money for it. I wish I could figure out a way to earn money from home. Nothing is coming to mind though.

I really need to delete Ravelry from my favorite places. It's sucking all the time out of my life.

I want my mind back. I don't know when I lost it but I might need to put posters up on utility poles so someone can find it and claim the reward.

I want a vacation. A real one. One where I can go someplace and not have to cook on a campfire or kerosene stove, do dishes in a plastic bin and sleep in a sleeping bag. One that I don't have to cook or clean someplace else. One where I can just rest and not think of any of the things that are keeping me awake every night.

I would love to visit England, Scotland and Ireland. In my dreams, I have a little croft in Northern Scotland where I am independently wealthy but live a very simple life, knit beautiful things from wool I have spun from my own sheep, dyed in my own tubs and shared with my quirky neighbors who have these incredible lives and adventures, get into insane situations every week.

Oh, wait. That's Lochdubh. I wonder if Hamish Macbeth (the one from the book although I wouldn't kick Robert Carlysle out of my dream) would be there?

Maybe I could live in Ireland in a small village where there is a priest who is in love with the local publican.

No, that's Ballykissangel.

I need my Anglophile fix.

So why can't I live in my fantasy?

I guess I'll just go and finish up Zach's pink and black sweater, frog the Woolease socks and finish another UFO just so I can get another needle freed up.

It's been raining and while most of the snow is gone, the temps will plummet tonight and we might get some more snow on top of the ice that was the rain that was falling all day.

As Winnie the Pooh would say, "oh, bother."


Sunday, January 6, 2008

Misty moor sounds so much better than foggy swamp

I can barely see the house across the street today. After many weeks of temperatures in the teens (with wind chills in the single digits) we're having temps in the 40s. Lots of snow is melting and with the air warming up and releasing all that cold from the snow, fog is the inevitable result.

I mean dense fog.

And people are still driving without their lights off. I flashed mine at a few people and they just ignored me. One lady was too busy talking on her cell phone to pay attention to what was going on with traffic.

I drove about 40 mph to church this morning and 35 on the way back. I couldn't see people coming until they were right there which made a few traffic crossings a bit nerve-wracking. I crossed one highway and out of nowhere came a car from the right. If he hadn't had his lights on, we would have most likely met with screeching metal sounds. I saw him in time to stomp on the accelerator and we missed each other.

I mean visibility in feet rather than yards.

None of this inspired any confidence in Zach regarding driving again.

There is something mysteriously delicious about fog though. We were listening to Enya's The Celts on the way to church. It was so fitting. I love walking in fog and may take the Professor out in it later. Fog at night is even better for walking than fog during the day.

Tom finally sold the Ford Tank we have had sitting idle in the driveway for the past 2 years. Seriously. Two years without a second vehicle that worked. (Less the past few months we've had the Dodge Dakota.) Not to mention how much room it's been taking up. It felt so good to be able to get the car comfortably up the driveway. Even better now that the walls of snow aren't there to impede opening the doors.

Church was superb, as always. Zach was acolyte again. He finished up the year and brought a new one in as acolyte. I loved the kids walking the statues of the wise men and camel up the aisle with the cross this morning. They were so cute dressed in fine robes and wearing crowns. Zach got lots of complements today from people who don't normally speak as such to us. He really takes his responsibilities seriously and it shows. One woman told him that the reverence he shows as he walks the cross in and out really sets the mood for the service. Another man told him today that his assistance with the Eucharist was the smoothest he's ever seen.

(Old pictures from last summer. His beard and hair are longer now.)

Before he heard any of these remarks, though, he was led to ask the priest about being a chalice-bearer and she's so excited about it, she's going to start his training next week. The bishop asked him at our confirmation if he had considered the priesthood. From time to time, Zach does consider it but for now he's taking things one step at a time.

Our bishop most likely wouldn't recommend him for seminary if he knew he was gay though. He's a wonderful man and an excellent bishop, having dealt with problems in the diocese that could have turned into really stinky problems, with an measure of grace that is inspiring. But he's very conservative on the issue of ordaining gays.


I finished the sabbatical socks last night and hope to take pictures tomorrow. It's far too dark today. I had to frog back on the sleeve to the pink & black raglan for Zach. I was ready to bind off and noticed the sleeve was about two inches too long. When I looked into it further, I noticed I hadn't bound off before I started my decreases. Aaaarrrrgggghhh!

I had to put it away for a few days as I couldn't look at it.

I'll most likely finish it up tomorrow.

I've started some plain vanilla socks with some leftover Woolease. I'm thinking green, black and cream stripes of 2x2 ribbing. Something mindless.

I want to knit a cardigan but haven't found that one pattern yet. I'll look around for it this week. I haven't mined my stash of magazines and patterns yet, just the online stuff.

I really must focus on losing weight again. Once I've fallen off the wagon, so to speak, it's nigh impossible for me to catch up with said wagon again, let alone jump back on. I wish I could just eat and not think about food all the time, which is the problem of dieting for me. I think about food, worry about food, feel guilty about food 24/7.

Quitting smoking was a breeze compared to this and I thought that was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Well, I'm off to turn some lights on. Tom is sleeping in the living room today so I've been sitting in the dark without any noise or able to watch any television today.

Oddly, I don't care. I think I'm just burned out from all the angst. I find myself having imaginary the devil and angel sitting on the shoulder. One part of me makes excuses and blames myself for all the problems we're having. That critter tells me that I'm being too hard on Tom and that if I just would be a better wife/person, things between us would be just fine. We would be one big happy family. The other critter tells me that's not going to happen because eventually I would make a mistake and set him off again, that I would always have to watch what I say and do (which is what my life has been like the past 10 years) and nothing will ever change.

Today I've got my fingers in my ears singing the la-la song.

I don't want to hear it.

Off to read some blogs and fill in my application for Moraine Park.


Friday, January 4, 2008

Many thanks

Day before yesterday I was at my lowest. I had a headache that wouldn't go away (the beginning of some kind of head cold thingie), I was depressed and feeling completely hopeless. I had to go to the store, which I really didn't want to do, and the library because I couldn't renew Stargate and didn't want to pay late fees.

So I went, did what I needed to do and sat in the parking lot and cried.

Then I got a frosty from Wendy's. I mean...that's like medication, right?

When I got home there was a package on the front porch. I hadn't ordered anything so I couldn't figure out what it was.

It was a gift from my parents. They knew Tom only got me a calendar for Christmas and that I was pretty low. They didn't know about the the verbal tirade on New Year's Eve. I felt really bad that I had seemingly hinted for a gift. That wasn't my intent.

But...I loved the gift nonetheless. It was a bag with bath stuff in it. Honey vanilla, one of my favorite scents. But the bag is just wonderful a soft suede and fleece and the perfect size for my sock yarn and needles.

The sabbatical socks are almost done. I'll be working on warmer socks after this with some leftover Woolease that I have in abundance.

Isn't this great? Just the perfect size and so soft I could sleep with it.

I'm looking forward to a bubble bath, too. Lots of things to make me feel good.

And some wonderful inspirational literature inside, too. There was an article by Taylor Caldwell, one of my favorite authors, about a desolate Christmas she had that turned out to be full of God's wonderful blessings. And a really nice devotional.

I really love my parents.

I do feel better today. Yesterday was an energetic day. I did some major cleaning of the kitchen. I have no counter space because we have so many things Tom wants left out so I cleaned and threw three big garbage bags full of stuff away, rearranged the dining room to give us more room (and hauled some furniture off to the basement for later consideration.)

I loved it. I was so tired even though Zach helped tremendously with it all. It looks so much cleaner, more user-friendly and more open.

Tom stomped around the house playing the drama king. (And I mean he literally stomped. ) He hates it when I change anything at all in the house. If I move a coffee pot to another counter, he makes a comment on it. If I move a coffee table to a different place he makes a comment.

Too bad. It's my house, too.

I haven't signed up with Moraine Park yet. I'll do that next week I think when I go buy Zach's textbooks for next term.

I'm nervous and excited. I've done this kind of work before so I'm not worried about the course, but I have been a loner for many years and interacting with people is a bit unnerving.

Thanks to everyone who had encouragement and friendship to offer. I so appreciate it. I couldn't reach everyone through email so I'm taking this opportunity to thank you so humbly and lovingly. It meant so much to me to know there are so many out there who care.

Thanks also to everyone who was so supportive of Zach. It was so upsetting that the tirade was happening right outside Zach's bedroom and he heard it all. He's strong, though, and is okay. However, it did do a lot of damage to an already fragile relationship with his dad.

I'm off to do the weekly shopping and home for quality knitting. I'm almost done with Zach's pink & black sweater. I don't think I'm going to put a hood on it. He really wouldn't use a hood and I don't want to piece together a lot of small skeins with all the ends to weave in.

The sabbatical socks will be done tonight as well.

Stargate SG-1 season 8 tonight. And Atlantis is in at the library. I'll pick that up next week though.


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

More whining

The boys got rowdy the other night and one of them got hurt. Hannibal was chasing Professor (which the Prof loves) but when Professor tried to jump up on the couch, Hannibal caught him and he landed really hard on his back leg and has been limping ever since. Now when Hannibal comes around to comfort him, he slinks away. I've been babying him because it's what I do but I have made sure he walked on it some.

Today he's gotten a bit frisky and while he still wants nothing to do with the cat, he played with his toys for a bit.

I've been working exclusively on the sabbatical sock (no pictures unless you wade back through old posts) and am on the second sock. I just needed something mindless to do for a while.

Tom wanted to talk yesterday about salvaging our relationship so, like a fool, I sat down to discuss it. I could have written the script. He gets vicious whenever you even hint at criticizing him and of course, everything is all my fault. I never claimed to be perfect or without blame in the problems in our marriage, but he is verbally brutal and blames me for all of it.

He blamed me for Zach being gay. He basically said I talked him into it and that I don't care at all about the "miserable life he's got ahead of him." Never mind there are many gays out there who are happy and whole. And that Zach came to his realization all by himself.

I'm the reason we aren't close as a family because of a myriad of reasons, the biggest being we don't eat together as a family. He sleeps until 8 p.m. I'm not waiting dinner that long and when school is in session, Zach is frequently in class in the evening.

I spent the evening a bit shell-shocked from the vehemence of his diatribe. As always, once he gets me crying, he feels better. It's like a release for him.

He even made a joke about it last night before he went to bed.

I was up until 5 a.m. though. Knitting on the sabbatical sock. Staring into space and wondering what the heck I'm going to do.

I also found out he went to Zach and told him that I was the reason he and Zach didn't have a relationship. Yeah...he blames me for interfering in their relationship but look what he tries to do to mine. Apparently I threatened to leave and take Zach away if Tom didn't leave him alone.

Sorry, but that's not the truth. Not by a long shot. Good thing Zach didn't believe him.

I'm going to Moraine Park this week to see about the certified nursing assistant program. I may need to be on my own for a while.

And I really don't care if he reads this. He's acting today like we're one big happy family because he "needed to vent like that."

And he's never sorry about anything no matter what he says. Again, I could write the script. After he got it all out he told me he was sorry but he could have been saying he was going to go take a nap for all the remorse. But he insists if he says he's sorry, I'm supposed to believe him no matter what his body language or tone of voice says. (And scarily enough, he's going to do some studying on body language this week.)

I know I'm probably running off the few remaining readers but I really have no one to talk to. My family doesn't want to hear it and I have no friends in real life. Haven't had any in 21 years of marriage.

Tom says that's because I don't believe anyone is good enough to be my friend. Again...everything is my fault. I can't have anyone over, is one problem. He's always here unless we're asleep (he works third shift.) And he hovers. I have no privacy at all.

Truth is, I don't think I'm the one who is good enough to be anyone's friend.

Whine, whine, whine.

So sorry. Off to my pity party.