Wednesday, February 29, 2012

More last

I've often told Zach that being in depression is like living in a world with only shades of gray.  Same when I was on anti-depressants.  I wasn't depressed when I was on them, but the world was still colorless, which I'm sure is affecting my position on him taking them.  I'm finally starting to see color in the world so the depression must be lifting, at last.  This was a long haul.

I'm also feeling a bit better although still running a fever.  Last night was the worst, though.  My temp was near 100F, which for me is the equivalent of nearly 101 because my normal temp is around 97.2.  I felt so crummy with throbbing aches in my leg muscles and a pounding headache that showed up abruptly. Plus the sore throat and stuffiness. aching, no headache and just a bit of a sore throat.

But joy of joys!  I have my brain back.  My concentration is so much improved that I'm able to read and retain.  Somewhat.  Not like it used to be, of course, but better than reading the same paragraph fifteen times.  Plus, I got some cleaning done today.  Tom made a remark about the state of things which always makes me feel terrible.  I know he doesn't mean to put pressure on me but it does because I don't necessarily hear what he might mean.   I'm hearing that I'm not doing my job and why not?   I beat myself up regularly about my limitations with the fibromyalgia.  I think we all do.

After supper tonight I've got to finish up the load of laundry in the dryer, wash up the dishes, start the dishwasher and then crawl into bed, which I haven't put up for the past week.  I thought my energy was better spent on finding the kitchen and dining room than putting the couch back up.  I hope to read and knit tonight.  I'm a bit excited about it, to be honest.  I have missed both so much.

I also need to get some things done outside as well, including the bird feeders.  I've neglected them this winter although, it being mild, I don't think they suffered much.  Still, I wouldn't want the cardinals to move house to another location.

I got my artist corner set up today, too, although I need to organize it a bit better as it is holding my herbs and plants right now until I find a better place for them.  Tomorrow probably.  I only had so much energy today.  I hope to start putting in time every day from now on, training those hand muscles and working on hand-eye coordination so I can draw what I see.  I used to have it but lost it when I put it aside for a few years.  I really would like to be more committed to things I enjoy.

Well, supper is nearly ready so I'm off to eat and finish up my work for the day.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Too tired, too achy and too annoyed

I'm feeling marginally better today.  At least the sinus headache is in abeyance, but I'm tired beyond measure and my throat hurts.  And I had to go to town twice today.  Last night I bought a new glucometer because I talked to my mother and found out not only is she now diabetic but her kidneys might be failing and being diabetic myself, I got a bit scared.  Well, more than a bit.  My old glucometer isn't working so I got a new one and new test strips only to find out it didn't work.  So I got up early today to take it back to the store only to find out once I got there and was reading the box, that you can't return them to the store.  You have to call the company.  Drat!

So I picked up another meter, hoping this one works.  I'll be mighty pissed if it doesn't.

So I walked in the door and my son greeted me with news that I had something in at the library.  I had forgotten my phone which I re-charged last night because TracFone sent me a stupid text message which activated my phone and wore the battery down, the dillweeds!  It was a movie that is in high demand so I went back to pick it up and while I was there, just stopped by Shopko to get some more Doan's pills for Tom's back.  It's the only thing that works when he gets a flare up and StuffMart hasn't re-stocked in over 3 months.  I just took the last three boxes at Shopko.  I'm wondering if they won't re-stock either.

While there I picked up a medic alert necklace, which I've been trying to find at a reasonable cost on the internet.  For some reason they cost upward of $30 because of the engraving.  This one is specifically diabetic alert and alerts the medical care to a card in my wallet to talk about my medication.

I mean to get serious about this diabetes.  And lose the weight.  Although that didn't go well today because I'm so very tired.

I have to get a load of clothes washed because Tom is out of t-shirts for work, but he didn't send any of his laundry down to the basement so there is only one shirt in the wash.  I put some of mine in there he can wear if he has to.  They're men's shirts anyway.  I have to get men's sizes to fit my humongous arm that is swollen from lymphedema.  I'll get the clothes in the dryer but that's it.  I'll bring them up tomorrow because as soon as I finish fixing supper, I'm going to bed.  I am seriously wiped out from this cold.

I also bought gas on my second trip to town.  Tom told me the price was going to go up again tonight, after it went up 8 cents yesterday in between the time it took to go up to Fond du Lac and the time I got home.  But I was too late.  An hour later gas was another 6 cents higher.  This really pisses me off considering it's all because of speculators driving the prices up on purpose. 

We are absolutely going to have to limit our trips to town from now on.  I can't afford to spend $75 to fill up the tank once a week.

And once again tonight I won't be knitting.  Partly because this cold has me full of aches and pains and I'm hurting too much to hold the needles.  But I might get some more reading in.  I am making good progress on Our Troth and will definitely open up Rituals of the Dark Moon tonight.  I think I still have some brain cells left to comprehend it.

And so I"m off to finish up the spaghetti.  Zach will make the garlic bread but I'm too tired to eat.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Good news and good news.

Back from the doctor's office and as we thought, there was nothing to worry about at all.  His anemia is so slight as to be non-existent; although there is an antibody that is doing something there, it's not doing much, if any, damage.  And the inflammation is probably due to Zach's esophogeal abrasions from heartburn.  And the dr sees no need for a colonoscopy at all, which is a huge relief.  As we would have to foot the bill for at least $700 of the bill.

But I am tired beyond measure from all the stress and from this cold I'm trying to get.  Or sinus infection.  Can't tell which just yet.  I slept a lot yesterday and all last night.  I went to bed at 7:30 Saturday night and slept most of the night.  I was up for an hour or so at some point but went back to sleep and slept until 10 a.m.  Then down for a 2 hour nap sometime in the afternoon and back to sleep around midnight.  But sleep when you're not feeling well is never restful.  I kept waking up, like you do when you're running a fever.  Which I only had a smidgen of one but the dr said today that people with low body temps can run a raging fever at what looks like normal temps. So...

He has to have more labs in 2 weeks but the dr expects to see improvements and doesn't plan on doing anything more at this stage.  He called it immuno-hemolytic anemia and anemia of chronic disease inflammation.  And he said it sounds much worse than it actually is.

I didn't get a lot of knitting done over the weekend but I put in a few rows on the sock and a few rows on the Tree of Life afghan.  Beyond that...I slept.  I won't knit much tonight either as I'm feeling like crap and plan on taking some cold medicine and going right to bed.  Zach is cooking supper so if I'm awake when it's done, I'll eat.  If not, I'll eat later.  I'm just wiped out. to bed.


Friday, February 24, 2012

Winter is still with us

...which I knew even before it snowed last night.  And today.  But thankfully will be clear on Monday when I have to drive up north for a dr's appointment.

At least it's pretty because it's very wet and is clinging to everything.  And it's not like we got a lot of it...merely a couple of inches, but I don't know how much the snow we're getting now will be. But the eagles are doing okay since they don't appear to have gotten much snow either.

I knitted for a bit on the socks last night. I finished up one and am past the ribbing into the bamboo pattern.  I had to fidget with it a bit since I had taken the book back to the library without writing down the pattern.  But it was easy to figure out from the first sock and I'm making good progress.

But I fell asleep at around 9:30 p.m. and woke up whenever Tom got home.  I didn't stay up long, though, and slept until 8:30 when Professor needed out.  Then back to bed until around noon.  And I didn't want to get up then but Professor was insistent.

Tonight I hope to work on the Tree of Life afghan and watch more commentary on the Fellowship of the Ring.  I'm re-reading the books, too, since I haven't read them in a few years.  I stopped counting the number of times I read the books when it hit 35 so I'm not sure how many times I've actually read them, but since it's been a number of years, I need to refresh my memory.  Especially since some of the movie bits get mixed up in my mind with the book bits.

I've got plans for organization next week.  Or maybe this weekend.  But not today.  I'm moving the rack from the south window in the dining room since I'm not going to have a garden this year (although Tom told me he has a problem with it since he wants a garden but since he doesn't do any of the work for it, I'm pulling rank.  Normally I acquiesce to his desires but this time, I'm asserting myself.) I don't need the rack there.  None of my herbs are doing very well at all for some reason so I'm taking up space I could use for something else.  I'm moving the rack into my room so I can store knitting, drawling and spiritual supplies on it.  Zach is taking the bookcase into his room (it's a short, 2-shelf thing) and put his tv on it along with his game supplies and I'll get my end table back. I worry that Hannibal will knock the tv off of it; plus it's sitting in the middle of his room and takes up too much space.  This will give Zach more room to walk around in there.

Maybe tomorrow.  I do hate putting things off once I've decided to do it.

Pizza tonight for supper because I had errands to run today.  I had medicine in at the pharmacy so I just made a library run at the same time so I didn't have to go back next week.  With gas at nearly $4 a gallon, we need to limit our trips in the car.  Especially to the dr up in Fond du Lac.

I didn't make up the couch today because I wasn't going to use the couch anyway.  I think I might just make it up on the weekends since no one sits in there during the week.  I plan on moving a card table into the corner where the rack is now and set up an art studio again.  Drawing there was a lot better because of the light and I have a portable easel that Tom made for me years ago I can set on top of it and my computer chair has different height settings so I can adjust the chair to fit the height of the easel.  I really would like to stick to it this time, even if I don't use it for anything other than my own pleasure.

But for now, I think I'm going to hop into my pajamas and crawl into bed, knit and watch tv.  And maybe nap a bit.  I think I'm making up for all the lost sleep these past couple of months.  I really hate insomnia.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Rising out of that pit

I"m feeling better today.  I even made up the couch with no problems.  And although I'm not bouncing off the walls, I do feel a smidgen more energy.  Just a smidgen though.  And my mood is definitely improving.  When I can start looking forward to things, I know the depression is lifting again.  I just have to ride it out.  Although this wave was a big one and lasted a lot longer than normal.

I was going to wait until tomorrow to run errands and pay the bills but we're anticipating a snow storm that is apparently unpredictable.  Could be an inch of snow; could be 8 inches.  So I thought it best to take care of everything today instead.  Also I want Tom to take the minivan tomorrow since it drives so much better on snow and slush. 

I'm making progress on the Tree of Life afghan but I'm still tinking away on the sock, trying to find my mistake.  So far I can't find it.  I suppose I could have just fixed the mistake and moved on but these things bother me and I would never be able to enjoy the sock otherwise. Although I have decided to keep the socks for myself instead of giving them away. 

I've got plans for cleaning tomorrow since we're not going anywhere.  In fact I don't intend to go anywhere until Monday morning when we head up north to see the doctor for Zach's anemia.  I'm really tired of not feeling productive and on those days when I have to run errands or such, I don't feel productive at all.  I really need to start organizing the house better and getting rid of the clutter.

I've decided not to have a garden since we're not going to grow tobacco anymore.  The crop we produced ended up with mold because we have too much moisture in the air and Tom didn't dry it out soon enough.  Plus it's a lot of work and takes up a lot of space.  Veg isn't that expensive in the stores compared to the joy of having my backyard back again without the pets getting tangled in the plants and solar lights.  So we'll till it up and plant grass seed instead and if I need anything I can just do a container garden.  But I'd rather focus on flowers and making the yard and house look nicer. And we need to paint the house again either this summer or next.  I'd love to put siding on so we can insulate it better but as we also need a new roof that we can't afford, we absolutely can't afford siding, too.

Home ownership is expensive.

I need to get Professor's weight down as he's having trouble hopping up on the ottomans to get on the couch or bed lately.  He woke me up this morning because he couldn't get back in bed.  I think part of the problem is with the curtains closed he can't get a running start to get up there and he's too rotund to just hop up on them.  I've cut back on his food but I also need to walk him more.  But I have to wait on the weather for that.

Well, time to fix supper.  Pizza casserole tonight.  Zach's been asking for it and I need to use up the pepperoni so it sounds like a good meal.  That may be all the energy I have left though.  I'll have to finish up the laundry tomorrow. I just can't face those basement stairs tonight.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Return of an unwelcome visitor

I did something to my back again.  Night before last, after making up the bed, I reached down to pick up the pillows and ended up nearly on the floor.  Luckily the ottoman was right there so I landed on it and stayed there for a while.  It's the exact same spot it always is, darn it.  Fortunately Tom was there and picked up the pillows for me and admonished me to favor it for a few days and not make up the couch until the soreness is gone.

So the bed is still made up.  I'm not in any real pain, but it's still a bit sore so I'm continuing to pamper my back. Although I did take a load of clothes downstairs tonight without any pain.  And will bring up a load, too.  But just one.  I can do more laundry tomorrow, but I need socks so I had to get some done tonight.

I've been working away on the Tree of Life afghan, the cover for Zach's desk, the dvd case and the bamboo patterned socks.  Unfortunately I ended up with an uneven number as I was narrowing for the toes so I'm tinking back until I find out where I made my mistake.  It's beginning to look like the first row.  My brain is returning so I plan on getting back to Zach's sweater, too.  Very soon.

I also dug out my pencils, sketch pads and art books so I can get back to drawing again.  I have to nearly start from scratch since it's been so long.  You have to train your muscles to function and then rely a bit on muscle memory.  My muscle memory is short term, unfortunately.  I need to build back up.  But I also need a place to draw.  The couch isn't good because the living room is very dark.  I might use the dining table but that would involve actually keeping it clear, which is a monumental task.  Still, I have to come up with some place that has room for my sketch pads, pencils and such...and has lighting.

I plan on going to bed after supper tonight as I'm not getting much sleep at all.  Mostly it's just waking up and not being able to get back to sleep but it's also a dog with a tiny bladder who thinks he needs to go out every few hours at night but can hold it for 8 hours during the day.  I got up twice with him this morning between 7:30 and 9:30.  I did go back to bed but Tom is coming down with a cold and his sneezes can shatter windows so I didn't sleep past him waking up today.

Hopefully tomorrow I can make up the couch again and get some motivation to clean the rest of the house.  Zach's appointment is next Monday up in Fond du Lac, which is weighing on my mind very heavily.  I'll be glad when it's over and hope it's the last time I have to go up there in a long while.

Off to fix supper and then to bed.  I think I could fall asleep at the stove tonight.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Finding my knitting mojo

I'm feeling a bit better but I intend to make an early night of it so I can start fresh tomorrow with cleaning and such.  I have no plans to go anywhere so the day will hopefully be spent cleaning and knitting.  I'm starting to get my knitting mojo back.  That's how I can tell I'm feeling better.

A week before we see the hematologist/oncologist for Zach's anemia.  He's still feeling tired all the time and battling depression but he thinks he might be seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  Hope so, anyway.

I'm late in starting my annual Lord of the Rings marathon and it will be interrupted with Babylon 5 episodes but I've finally started and am through FOTR and most of the first commentary with the screenwriters.  This year I have added the theatrical versions with all their documentaries and commentaries.  There are supposed to be a lot of differences.  We'll see, I guess.

Off to make up the bed and knit on the Tree of Life afghan for my altar.  This is my fourth attempt at it.  I hope I can finish it this time without frogging the whole thing.


Friday, February 17, 2012

Nothing going on

Not really.  A bit under the weather so I'm spending time in bed today.  Except the cat is out of cat food so I've got to make a trip for that.

But other than that...sleep and rest so I can get rid of this headache and general malaise.

See you on the other side of this.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

And so I did

...take the day off, that is.

I did have errands to run, though, and was thoroughly wiped out by the time I got home.  I seriously must do something about my stamina.  Sleep would be a good start.  I received another getmeoutofbed phone call today.  The third one this week in which no one was on the other end of the call.  Getting a bit tired of this.

I maintained what I had gotten done and did get another load of clothes upstairs and one in the dryer, but aside from that and fixing supper, did nothing.  And I like it.

I am dreading making up the bed every night but maybe if I don't try to do it all in one go it might not hurt as much.  My back was really aching by the time I was able to crawl into bed.  I may just leave the bed made up tomorrow and see how bad it is.  It's not like we're having company or anything.

It was warm again today.  I paid the utility bill (electricity and gas) and it was the lowest it has been for a January ever.  Around $120.  For both.  And it's that's including the space heater in the foyer trying to dry out the front door.  To celebrate, I turned the heat back up to 60 today, but with all the layers we wear, it's almost too warm.  I could peel some off but why?

I did some knitting last night on the cover for Zach's desk.  It's all I can concentrate on lately.  And so will continue until I can concentrate on my other projects.  Soon, I hope.  I am crawling out of the pit of depression but it's taking it's sweet time.  I'll get there...eventually.

But for now, I'm going to make up the bed while the barbeque chicken cooks in the toaster oven. I'm making baked potatoes, too, but Zach and I will split one.  They're keeping warm on top with some foil over them.  And maybe some broccoli to go with it.  I was pretty good today and hope to be better tomorrow.  Zach's lost 11 pounds.  I haven't started yet so I'm not weighing myself.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I may take tomorrow off

Two days of heavy cleaning, especially when I had lost the energy surge last night and never regained it, has taken its toll on me.  I think I'll leave the bed made up and just stay there all day.  Reading, knitting...whatever.  I have the kitchen and bathroom to scrub down but they can wait an extra day.  I'm hurting and beyond tired.  I wish I could function like I used to but I can't and pushing through doesn't achieve a very good result in the long run.

Last night was a 4 tramadol night, although I took the second dose at around 6 a.m. so I had plenty of time between dosages.  At 7:45 the dr's office called, waking me up, to make the appointment for Zach's anemia.  The hematologist is also my oncologist, as I mentioned yesterday, so I have a lot of confidence in him.  I just wish they would make their appointments after the sun rises.

Or at least higher in the sky.

I've done two loads of laundry today as well, but the second load will just have to sit in the dryer until tomorrow morning.  I'm going to trudge over and make up the bed and fall into it.  I doubt I will knit tonight because I am hurting and need to take some tramadol. A hot shower might help some so I might do that first.  Then to bed with the lights off.

I did sleep okay last night in spite of sleeping with the bed in a different orientation and not propped up against the wall any longer.  Instead I was propped in a makeshift corner.  I don't have as many problems now that I'm taking Prilosec OTC for my acid reflux and heartburn, but I don't want to find out in the middle of the night that the problem is still there.  So I prop up.  Besides, I've slept that way for 20+ years.  I don't think I could sleep on just a pillow.

But now it's time to shut down the computer and hop into that shower.


Monday, February 13, 2012

A blaze of energy

Which is slowly fading.  I tore the house apart, turning the "bedroom" back into a living room after it occurred to me that I don't have to make the bed up every day if I'm not up to it.  But turning it into a company-ready room is so much quicker than rearranging the furniture if we do have company again.  And part of my depression has to do with how I perceive my home. And myself.

Thing is, I'm way past exhausted right now and I'm not even close to being done.  I have to move the rocking chair to the basement and find the dining room again since you can't tear one room apart without tearing the adjacent one apart, too.  Can't quit now though.  I won't sleep until it's done because that's the way I am, unfortunately.

Still, I think I'll get another surge of energy soon.  I just need to sit for a while.

Heard back from the dr today.  She called instead of having the nurse call and told us both on speaker phone what the deal is.  It's definitely anemia but what kind is what we have to find out, although not from blood loss.  I called my mother to ask about my aunt and it was pernicious anemia, like I thought and the dr seemed to think that genetic link was important.  I looked it up online and if that's what it is, they caught it very, very early because he has very few symptoms yet.  Normally pernicious anemia isn't caught until around 30 and Zach is only 23.  So they will make an appointment with the hematologist, who also happens to be my oncologist.  He's a great dr so I have confidence that whatever this is, we've caught it early and there won't be a problem for him in the future.  Whatever kind it is, though, it's not curable.  Only treatable, but the treatment is fairly easy and not terribly expensive if they caught it early.  She told us not to lose any sleep over it and she's the kind of dr who doesn't lie to you so I won't.

Now I just have to get my moods back in order and get back to knitting since I haven't done any for several days.  I probably won't tonight either because by the time I put the house back together, it will be after midnight and I'm planning on falling into bed for sleep purposes.

I would like to have a month go by without any major problems though.  I can't say I'm a fan of all these adrenaline surges.  Slow and steady works much better for me.


Friday, February 10, 2012

I don't want to moderate but I will if I have to

I got hit by a couple of spammers today in the comment section on a couple of posts.  Weird thing was, one of them insulted my blog before posting their spam.  LOL!!  Not the best way to get me to keep the comment up there.  I delete any comments that have links to online stores or such.  Unless someone has asked me first and it's related to what we talk about here.  But I've never seen these two before and it was obvious they had never read my blog either.

There is good news on the homefront.  I am a bit better.  I can feel myself climbing up out of the pit that is depression.  Not bouncing off the walls, but I did do some cooking and cleaning today.  Slipped a few times on the eating plan but I don't feel the least bit bad about that.  I'm not bingeing....just nibbling.

Other good news is that Zach asked the lab tech today what is going on with his labs and she provided him with a complete readout of all his lab results and explained them to him.  I did wonder why he was in there so long but as I was absorbed in a Reader's Digest, I didn't question it.  It seems they are looking for an antibody that is munching on his red blood cells and that is what is causing his anemia.  Not blood loss at all.  Which means the colonoscopy and endoscopy are totally unnecessary.  Plus the labs show his anemia is less than one point UNDER.  So he's barely anemic.  Not in danger of dying next week.

We'll wait until the next dr appointment to talk to the dr about it all but after that he wants to cancel his 'scopies.  We'll wait to make sure. 

I'm not saying the dr has been devious or anything.  But they do tend to be a bit secretive until they know something and she's no exception to that rule.  But the lab tech said that the results show that his body is fighting the antibody because his red blood cells are mostly juvenile cells.  So the body is trying to repair itself.

His ferratin was a little high but she only briefly mentioned that.  Not sure what that means.  I hope this is the last labs he has to take for a while though.  And that the dr explains what all this means.

We had to drive to the dr's office in lot of blowing snow today.  Wind chills were at 0 and the roads weren't very clear but we took our time and got there and back safely.  The trip there was no problem because the cars behind were taking their time, too, but on the way home the car behind wanted me to go faster and thought that tailgating would make that happen.  It didn't.

Zach went out and shoveled the driveway apron for both sides tonight.  Along with the sidewalks.  The neighbor wasn't home and would have had a hard time getting in over the mini-wall of snow the snowplow left behind.  So both he and Tom can get in the driveway, which is all I was concerned about today.  And the sidewalks have to be done within so many hours after the snow starts falling...not after it ends.  Normally they don't do much about it but you never know.  It's done now so no worries.

I should get back to work on Zach's sweater since my mind is a bit clearer today.  I think after supper I'll crawl into bed, turn on Babylon-5, which I haven't watched in about a week, and knit away.  I've got some dvds from the library, including A Clockwork Orange because Tom hasn't seen it and I deleted it from the dvr inventory.  Plus there is a commentary by Malcolm McDowell I'd like to listen to.  I probably won't watch the other dvd because it's a documentary that someone recommended but no longer sounds exciting.  I might though.  I've got until Wednesday to decide before I have to take it back.

Still reading away on A Clockwork Orange and I definitely like the movie better.  It's hard to muddle through all the slang and lingo the author invented for the book.  Nearly done though.  I started reading From a Buick 8 the other day, too.  I wanted the new Stephen King book about the JFK assassination but it was out again. I'm not going to request it because it will come in when it's not convenient.  They always do.  Instead I'll read a bunch of books I want to read.

I still haven't manage to get through Triumph of the Moon yet.  I think I might have to resort to skimming in order to get through it.  Or now that my mind is coming back to play, maybe I should give it another go.

Well, off to fix supper and then off to bed.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Still surfing that wave

This is apparently a long ride this time but it will end.  They always do.  What would help is if I could just stay in bed and do nothing but with all these appointments and errands I haven't had that luxury.

Damned depression!

Good news is that Zach's ingrown toenails were taken care of in the office with little effort and cost.  It helps if you know what to look for, I guess.  So no more treatments and all we owe is the co-pay.  And the doctor was really nice.

Not so good news:  the dr's office called before we left and Zach's blood work raised a couple of flags and they want to do more tests so we have to run him back there for labs.  I wish they would tell you what the problem is instead of being vague.  I's your frelling labs; you should be entitled to the information.  So off we go tomorrow afternoon for another appointment.

He found out today that he's scheduled for both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy.  That will eat up the $700 deductible right there.  Now we need to contact the insurance company and find out if it's okay.  He rescheduled since it was next week and there was not enough time to do all that.  We have a month to get it all straight now.  I frelling hate insurance companies.  It's all about profit and nothing about the patient.

End of rant.

For now.

I got pizza for everyone tonight and I'm going to bed.  Now.  I didn't sleep much last night because we had to get up early; plus, Professor needed out twice.  I'll get even less sleep on the day of Zach's  procedure as we need to be in Fond du Lac by 9:30 a.m. and it's about an hour drive up there.  And who knows how long the procedure is.

Well....I'm off to bed.  I've got a sinus headache...the first in a I'm taking a cold capsule, some echinacea and going to bed.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Still riding that damned depression wave

Another day riding the depression wave.  It will end, I know, but I never know how long I have to put up with it.  In the meantime, I'm making some changes to my bedroom/living room, which might cheer me up a bit.  It's bursting at the seams with too much furniture so I'm adding something smaller so I can eliminate something bigger.  Hard to explain but there is a coffee table in front of the window for the pets to have a place to watch outside, which really isn't needed so I bought a smaller ottoman so they can do the same thing.  Only now I can actually get to the curtains to open them.  Then I'm moving the second/game tv to the corner since I can now get to it to change out the dvds in it.

It's the little things, you know.

We got our Weight Watchers calculators today.  I'll look at it later. I'm hoping to start counting calories tomorrow since WW won't work well for me.  I need to start cooking better meals so Zach can learn to eat better instead of WW meals that are hardly filling or healthy.  Damned depression.

I just got Tom a can of beef stew for supper tonight as I am going to bed as soon as the bedroom is done. I had thought about turning it back into a living room, where I would just make up the futon every night and morning, but it's such a pain in the ass, especially painful when I'm having a flare up of the old fibromyalgia and besides, I really do like having a bed instead of a couch.  Doesn't help with the guilt feelings that I'm taking over the living room but since we hardly ever have company, it shouldn't be an issue.  And Tom's family all use the kitchen table anyway.

So I've got to get this done so I can go to bed.  I fell asleep early last night only to wake up around 10 p.m.  I fell back asleep and woke up when Tom got home and was up until  4 a.m. after that.  Then Professor wanted out at 8:30 for a wee.  Then I slept until 11 a.m.  It's just sleeping in fits and starts.  No real rest at all.  I'm back where I started.

For now, though, I'm just going to take each day on its own and not try to think about the future too much.  That just adds to the depression.


Monday, February 6, 2012

Home from ice fishing

A whole lot of nothing got done this weekend.  Normally while Tom is gone I clean but I just wasn't up for it this time.  It happens.

He got home in the wee hours this morning because he stayed to watch the Super Bowl with his brother.  Good times but the drive home was hard for him.  He was a bit cranky getting ready for work this morning.

I really do need to get something done but the depression is bad right now and I'm riding the wave until it's over.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to clean.  I'm doing the bare minimum now, which is enough.

I did get some knitting done last night.  I worked on the bamboo-patterned socks, the dvr cover and the cover for Zach's desk.  I should get back to work on the sweater but I'm having trouble concentrating due to the depression so that's off the table until I'm back to speed.  I know my limitations.

Zach is doing very well on his Weight Watcher's plan.  I've dropped out because the depression makes it nearly impossible to cope with that on top of everything else.  When I can I'll jump back on, but maybe not WW.  I might just count calories instead.  It's hard enough trying to help Zach keep track.  But I must say he's doing a marvelous job.  Has already reached his first goal and had his points lowered.  His podiatrist appointment is this week, and the upper endoscopy is next week.  It will be tough to maintain his momentum with the various hurdles he has to jump over.  I'll do what I can to keep him on target. 

I'm heading to bed early tonight because I'm tired.  Didn't get to bed until after 4 a.m. and Professor wanted out for a wee at around 8.  Tom woke me up swearing loudly in the kitchen around 10:30. ..much too early for me.  (He spilled something.)  I couldn't get back to sleep after that.  And since I didn't get a lot of sleep while he was gone due to a dog who wanted to wee every 3 hours at night, I'm dragging and a bit cranky myself.  All that on top of depression.

Did I mention that depression sucks?  I might have said that on another blog or seven.

Off to finish up supper and then to bed.


Friday, February 3, 2012

I will clean tomorrow

I slept late this morning.  Not easy to do with the dog demanding to go out but as I had let him out at 4 a.m. he was okay holding it until I got up. And used his puppy pads, thankfully.  While it did help to sleep late, I was still dragging today.  No energy whatsoever.  I fixed us a good breakfast using the point calculator on the WW website.  I ordered both of us a pocket calculator but in the meantime I have to use the one online.  Very inconvenient though.

So breakfast (at around 1 p.m.) was an scrambled egg with half a piece of cheese melted on top, laid on top of a toasted whole grain English muffin with a teaspoon of reduced calorie margarine and two pieces of turkey bacon.  Seven points.  A quite substantial breakfast.  We weren't hungry again until around 5:30 but the kitchen was still a disaster from the other day and I just couldn't cook in there until it was clean so we figured up our points, went to McSnacky's for a salad with chicken.  Then we stopped by StuffMart and picked up a few WW meals that I could pop in the microwave this weekend while I'm trying to organize the house into a place where I can see floors and counters and such. 

I got a bit antsy and dug into the freezer for 3 Hershey's kisses with almonds.  I don't feel guilty at all.  It got me through a bad spot.  I'm still not excited about this.  I've done this before and failed at it but this time Zach's health is on the line so I have no choice.  I have to succeed.

We were sitting in a booth, eating our salads when I realized I didn't have a bra on.  For most people this isn't a big issue but my left boob was at home in my bra.  I really hate wearing the bras because they're not comfortable, the prosthesis (the only one I could afford since the insurance company applies it to the deductible, which means I would have to pony up $450 for 2 mastectomy bras and a prosthesis, which looked exactly like the one I got for $40) isn't comfortable at all.  It's weighted foam and a bit rigid.  It digs into my armpit area making my muscle there a bit sore.  So I go without a lot, but only at home.  I just plain forgot to put it on before we left.  Happily I didn't care.  It wasn't glaringly noticeable in my sweatshirt so I just enjoyed my salad and we sat there for conversation for about an hour.

I might do it again.  Soon.  On purpose.

I had to pick up my metformin tonight, which is another reason we ate out again but I will have to stay home the rest of the weekend and play catch up on the house and laundry.  I think Tom will be back on Sunday so I'd like to be able to enjoy a clean house for at least a day before he brings all his stuff home.

So I think I'll hop into bed now, knit for a bit and then go to sleep early.  I'm sleepy enough to do that.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

What a day!

First off, I'm completely overwhelmed by all the comments of support I got on yesterday's post.  I'm really not an amazing person and I have been known to wallow in self-pity so I sure don't belong on a pedestal of any kind.  But it sure was nice to hear words of encouragement and support.  I'm a bit weepy now.  LOL

I wish the rest of the day was so positive.  The dr called me in to talk about Zach's lab results.  As I suspected, his cholesterol needs work.  His overall numbers were good, but the breakdown was crap so we have to get the weight off of both of us and right now.

But that wasn't what concerned her the most.  His vitamin D is extremely low, which is probably part of what has caused his fatigue.  So he's on a pill a week for 8 weeks and then we'll see if it's high enough.  If not, another 8 weeks of vitamin D.  Prescription vitamin D.  Also his thyroid was high, which means he might be hypo-thyroid.  In other words, low metabolism.  But she wants to re-run it in a few weeks to make sure because once she puts him on the medicine he'll be on it for life.  Also contributed to his fatigue and weight gain.

But he's also anemic, which she can't figure out.  So he  has to submit a sample for fecal occult blood and has to have an upper endoscopy, I think.  At any rate, she thinks he might have an ulcer or damage to his esophagus.  Because she can't think of why else he would be anemic.  Guys don't usually have that problem.

I've had to endure comments from various family members about his fatigue (there's nothing wrong with him; he just needs to get out there and do stuff.)  He's been so frustrated and depressed because he never feels good.  I wonder if this started in high school when he was on psychotropic drugs (haldol) for his Tourette's and two different kinds of anti-depressants for his OCD.  Back then he was sleeping 20 hours a day nearly every day.  It was a good thing we homeschooled or he wouldn't have graduated at all.

We have to take him to a psychiatrist to evaluate him on his see if it's chemical or caused by these various, mysterious lab results.  My life is on hold right now waiting to get appointments and find out results.

In the meantime, she put the fear of bob into us about losing weight so I signed him up for Weight Watchers.  It's one more expense we don't need but we also need more accountability than we've had in the past.  The online version.  I would do much worse if it was an in-person meeting.  So would he.  This is going to be tough trying to figure out how to do all this and cut the food budget at the same time, since we'll have to pay for some of this out of pocket due to the deductible on the insurance.  Not to mention his ingrown toenail appointment next week.

I don't want to burden Tom too much with this because he's got all kinds of stress at work.  He doesn't need this dumped in his lap, too.

At any rate, we'll muddle through.  We always do and we always will.  I mean... what's the alternative?  I don't have time for a complete breakdown.  Although I've been thinking of scheduling one for later.  'Cause that's when I usually fall apart.  After I've survived the crisis. 

Off to read a bit more and then to bed because I'm really tired.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My husband left me

Of course, I had to kick him out first.  He missed last year's ice fishing trip because something expensive came up and wanted to skip this year as well, but I cajoled him until he gave in.  So he's off on his way up north where I hope they have ice.  'Cause ice fishing wouldn't be the same without it.

My legs are really wobbly today after that hour long hike across town yesterday.  But I slept very well after I finally got the pain down to a 3.  I didn't stay asleep but that rarely happens anyway.  I've pretty much gotten used to it and as long as I sleep more than I wake up, I'm good.

I had a library run today where I took back the books that were due.  I had renewed them just in case I didn't make it but they are safely home where they belong.  I picked up A Clockwork Orange, the book, today.  According to the comments on the movie stayed true to the book, but I'd like to read it anyway.  But I'm still plugging away at Ronald Hutton's Triumph of the Moon.  It's not that it's hard to read.  It's that the print is microscopic.  I wonder if they were trying to save paper or something.  I've made it to chapter 5 finally.  That's further than I made it last time I had it out of the library.

Tonight I'm going to crawl into bed and work on my knitting until I fall asleep.  I'm making progress on the socks and the dvd case but now Zach has asked for a cover to put on his desk, which is a bit worn, like the altar cloth I knitted for myself.  It looks like a little rug but turned out very nice.  I'll get a picture of it maybe tomorrow. I picked up the yarn today which is okay since I haven't bought any yarn in a while.  I think it's been a few months.  I'd have to read back to see but since I can't be bothered, I'll just go with a few months.  If I've lied, my apologies.

Zach has a follow-up appointment with the dr tomorrow to talk about his labs, which I'm guessing he failed.  We haven't actually started our new plan yet because of the various catastrophes that keep popping up but while Tom is gone is as good a time as any to start.  That is, if our legs have healed up enough to actually do something tomorrow.

For now, off to write on my other blog and then to bed.