Thursday, February 26, 2009

When it rains, it pours...all over my basement

It's been difficult to think about blogging lately because there comes that moment when you just can't put down in concrete form how bad things are.  Someone is always there to tell you how to fix it, in spite of the fact their suggestions won't work.  And of course, if you don't take their advise, you're being contrary and don't want to fix your situation.

The ax fell again at Tom's work.  Four day work weeks and all salaried employees (Tom is salaried) take a 15% pay cut.  When your budget is stretched as thin as it will go and you're aware that you have to stretch it even further...well, sleepless nights ensue, believe me.

Fortunately the tax return will help a bit.  It's a small cushion but a cushion nonetheless.  It's still hard for me to get a job working around Zach's schedule, but I'll have to try harder, I guess.  Tom is going to spend some of his long weekends up north at his brother's place.  To be honest, even though the extra gas will cost us, I think it's the best solution.  He can hunt and fish there and maybe supplement the food budget.  Because the food bill is the only thing we've got that is variable.  I think we can manage the pay all the bills if we make the minimum payment on the credit cards, which we're really not using anymore anyway.  But I will if I have to for my prescriptions.  It won't do us any good if I die because I can't afford the meds.

Still, I'm not feeling as dire as I was since one of the options was even more financially devastating for us.  I feel like we got Door Number One on Let's Make a Deal.  If you knew what the other two doors offered, you'd think that, too.

My biggest concern is that this isn't the last step.  I don't know how many other cost-cutting strategies they've got up their sleeves.

Zach is pretty much okay for school since he's got his student loan if he can't get another grant, but with his grades, I can't imagine him not getting at least something.  They don't pay for transportation though and that's another cost that might hurt a bit but his paycheck from McSnacky's can pay for that if needs must.

I'll admit that I'm calmer now.  I didn't dare blog before this because I was a wreck:  not sleeping, eating way too much and playing Animal Crossing with a vengence (the snow is gone on AC now...the lovely green grass does help the mood.)

I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with money-making ideas I can do from home without getting into those schemes that have cost us so much in the past and haven't paid off.

We missed church tonight because it's raining quite heavily and will turn to an icy/snowy mess later on.  I didn't want to get stuck in Beaver Dam tonight.  A couple from church is going to do Stations of the Cross on Thursdays throughout Lent and I'm anxious to do that, never having done it before.  So I'm sorry to have missed it tonight.  But there is next week, thankfully.

I do have to say that the only reason I am sane right now is because I strongly feel God's presence in all of this.  After all this time feeling bereft, it's a good feeling.

I'm off to burn off some stress by actually cleaning the house.  And squeegeeing the basement.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

The kindness of neighbors


It's been an overwhelming couple of days.  I went down to the basement to do laundry yesterday while Zach and Tom were both at work and found a huge wet spot on the floor under where the toilet sits in the bathroom.  Now, I had told Tom a year ago that the toilet was leaking but he said it wasn't so I let it go.  My fault for not following up, but to be fair to myself, you can't remind Tom of things that need to be done because that's "nagging."  It's one of those eggshells I sometimes trip over.

So I immediately went upstairs and peeled up the tile to discover the plywood flooring was warped and soaked and the toilet is leaking from the tank pretty steadily.  To the degree that the subflooring is wet as well.

I went pricing toilets but didn't buy anything because I wasn't sure of the measurements.  I told Tom when he got home but he didn't react at all.  This morning, not a word until I mentioned going to buy a toilet.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds because there is 5-6 inches of snow out there now and more coming.

Which brings us to the neighbor thing.  Zach and I were out there shoveling (while Tom was upstairs smoking cigarettes) and a neighbor came over with his snow-blower and did the whole driveway, including the snow that was banked from the snow plow.  And he did our neighbor's driveway as well.

I have really needed these acts of kindness in my life.  It's such a comfort to know that people care, especially when they don't have to.  And it inspires me to be more aware of those around me who need those acts as well.  Less focus on me and my pity parties and more on those who just need a smile or a small act of kindness.

Although I really need the toilet fixed and am wondering if I'm going to have to do it myself.  I'm on the fourth bath towel soaking up the water and he still hasn't looked at it.

And we only have the one bathroom so we're hosed if we can't get it fixed quickly.  And we certainly can't afford to replace the whole flooring.

We'll see how it works out.

I got some knitting done on the shawl last night.  Finished up Midsomer Murders but it was set 1, not set 2.  I get confused because the first episodes are called set 5 because there are five episodes in the set.  Now I have Blue Murder set 3.  I'm on the list for Doctor Who, series 3.  I'm so hooked on that now.  And series 3 of Torchwood is coming to BBCA soon.  I was beginning to regret getting BBCA back in the lineup.  They have nothing on that I want to watch except for Monty Python, Little Britain and Catherine Tate.

The Welsh courses are a bit disappointing because they're just books, not tapes or cds.  It's hard for me to "hear" the sounds from their descriptions but I found a course on a BBC site that has sound so between the books and the website I might do okay.  If I just can set aside time to actually do it. 

Well, I'm off to get some stuff done.  Maybe some reading and knitting but it's hard for me to get any work done when Tom is home.  It's a tiny house and he tends to be wherever it is I'm working.  


Thursday, February 19, 2009

The kindness of strangers

I would have been out two very important accessories this week if it hadn't been for the kindness of strangers.  I dropped my sunglasses at StuffMart (the kind that fit over your regular glasses and aren't cheap) and my soft, warm, lumberjack hat at Moraine Park last night.  Things like this make up for the driver that cuts in front of me and slows down to a crawl or the one who passes me, forcing me off the road because there is another car coming in the other lane.

It gives me warm fuzzies.

We were  late to school yesterday because of a terrible accident just north of Theresa, on 175.  I didn't see but one vehicle, but it had to have hit something really large and really hard because the whole front end of the car was crushed beyond recognition.  The front seat, however, looked fine, not crushed at all.  But the ambulance was sitting in the parking lot so that gave me pause about the condition of the driver.  We sat for about 15 minutes and made it to his school at about 10 past the hour, but it was a study group and not class so we were safe.

It reminded me that I must keep my phone charged up though.  We had no way of calling his classmates (or teacher had it been later) to let them know since Zach doesn't bring his phone to school with him.  And I drove very cautiously on the way home due to terrible winds and blowing snow.  And icy roads.  It took us longer to get home, but it was worth it to get there.

I wasn't able to sit in the commons yesterday because the college was having a Meet the College type of event for prospective students and parents of prospective students.  I keep getting questions for sitting in the foyer area, which was a pain, but understandable since they didn't know if I was there for the event or just waiting around.  It's hard to explain about Zach's OCD because people don't view it as a disability.  It's viewed more like a character flaw.  Which really steams me, especially with family members.

I talked to the doctor about it last time I saw her and she assured me I'm doing the right thing and not to let people get to me.  But it's hard.  Invisible disabilities...especially mental health issues...tend to be treated with disdain.  Like my fibromyalgia.  I'm viewed as lazy because I won't go out there and work in addition to the schedule I already have.  Zach is viewed as lazy and selfish because he won't get his license.  I think I finally got through to Tom though.  At least about Zach.  Although he won't admit it, except when he's on a tirade, I do believe he doesn't understand about the fatigue and pain.  When he has his tantrums (and granted these are only about once a year when I trip over one of those eggshells I continually walk on) he calls me lazy and a selfish bitch.

His ex-brother-in-law died the other day.  He had a history of type one diabetes and was a walking time-bomb as far as his health goes.  He was younger than me, I think.  Probably about 50 or so.  He had spent the last five years or so reaping revenge on Tom's sister because she was his meal ticket and she got tired of it.  Sadly he used their son as his avenue.  The son is dealing with a very aggressive leukemia and debilitating chemo and has been for the last year.  The father would undermine the treatment largely because it was another grenade he could throw at his ex.  They spent a lot of time in court because he would take her there every time he didn't get his own way.  She was exhausted emotionally and financially.  She ended up getting an advocate for the son but that cost an arm and a leg.

Sadly, this is more a relief than a tragedy.  He had no one in his life and she was the one to contact the police because he hadn't called in to work.  She had to go identify him.  His sister will deal with the funeral details but it's sad that he will go largely unmourned.

I'm trying hard to feel something about all of this.  He tried to use me to turn me against Tom's sister but I refused to get involved.  And bless her heart, the sister rarely talked about this to anyone but her older sister.  She tried so hard not to put their son in the middle of it.

Not that I'm setting her up for sainthood.  I still have my own issues with her but she didn't deserve all she had on her plate for the last year especially.

And the son is in maintenance chemo for the next couple of years but the prognosis is good.  He just turned 16 a couple of months ago.

It does make me think about my life and how isolated I've made myself.  I don't know how to make those changes but I am going to try.  I have developed a relationship with a friend on Ravelry.  That's a huge step for me to actually respond to emails.  I know it sounds silly but I really have heart-pounding fear with the thought of actually communicating with people.  Those who have had responses to posts on this blog don't realize how frightening it was for me to answer.

And I can't explain why.

I got cleaning supplies today so I can tackle the house.  Tom is still making overtures about us being closer and a family again but I'm just going to ignore it because it will never happen.  He's done this before.  If he does pursue it, too bad.  If I can't talk to him about our problems without getting emotionally eviscerated, I'm not going to pretend we have a relationship.

Off to fix supper and get some cleaning done before I settle down for television.  I've got Blue Murders series 3 and Midsomer Murders set 2 and a feather and fan shawl to work on.  That's my reward for actually accomplishing something this week.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Finally...light at the end of the tunnel that isn't another train

Things are looking up.  Zach no longer needs to be present in his Monday night class and his evening class tonight was canceled due to the instructor's daughter giving birth.  Maybe I have a chance to rest up and find some energy somewhere.  I can handle just two days a week of driving to Fond du Lac.  It will make the rest of the semester tolerable.

I had a headache today while waiting for Zach and the tylenol was in the car so I took a tramadol instead.  I hate to use them for headaches but this was a nagging one compounded by two women in the commons area who were sitting a distance away from each other and talking non-stop.  One of them took a questionnaire and was explaining it to the other one...question by question.  So the second woman wanted to take it, too.  The first one repeated each question
...again.  Then they went over the answers by repeating the questions yet again.  I was ready to scream.  I had been trying to read and just couldn't concentrate because of their non-stop talking and the headache.

Normally people in the commons try to talk quietly because students will frequently use that area for studying.  And why on earth they weren't sitting together, I have no idea.

So by the time Zach was done, I was ready to scream.  I chilled out on the way home though. Listening to audio books really helps calm me down and Artemis Fowl books are just wonderful to listen to.  Zach likes them better than Harry Potter.  I just found out that there is a movie planned.  I can't wait.

I am not happy with the shawl I'm knitting.  Because it's acrylic, I won't be able to block it and it's drawing in on itself, making it pretty heavy.  This shawl needs to be a bit lighter because the lady in question needs a summer shawl for church.  Something that will keep her warm but not sweating.  So I think I'll just look at a feather and fan pattern instead.  On larger needles.  On the other hand, I decided to use up the Caron Simply Soft I've got a drawerful of and knit a log cabin-ish baby blanket for the Haiti project our church is involved in.  It's mindless and feels good to knit.  Plus, I just can't handle monogamy in knitting.  It's too warm for me to think of mittens but I would love to be knitting socks.  I'm going to frog the mittens and use the yarn for socks.  Next winter...or late summer, I'll work on the mittens for Christmas presents.

Tonight is a Buffy night.  I'm working on season 1 now.  Tomorrow I'll pick up Midsomer Murders set 2 and maybe my Welsh course will come in to the library and I can start on that. I really want to learn another language and since one part of my heritage is Welsh (the others being Irish, Scottish, English, and Chiricahua Apache.)  I tried Gaelic but I didn't like the Irish Gaelic course and the Scottish course was okay but not a language much in use.  Welsh still is used a lot so I thought I would try it.  I'm not sure I can learn an language on my own but I'll try.

Well, I'm off to bed because the headache is back.  And some tremendous heartburn.  Darn that chili!

Buffy and knitting, here I come.  And some acid reducer.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

The start of yet another week

I'm having a hard time thinking of this as a knitting blog anymore.  I think it's evolved to be just a journal  Boring, whiney me.  I'm not knitting as much as I used to but I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I do tend to get obsessive about things and for a while, knitting was an obsession for me.  Now it's a hobby.  I think, for me (and I'm definitely not speaking for anyone else) that is the saner route.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't think people who live and breathe knitting are wrong in any way.  I'm just sayin' that for me, it's not healthy because of who I am.  I envy people who can do that, actually.  But my obsessions never last long (although knitting has lasted longer than any other obsession passion (yeah...let's call it a passion instead.)

I think I need to be more balanced in my life.

But I still knit with my shoes off.  'Cause I curl up on the couch or my bed and I don't like to do that with shoes on.

I'm also thinking starting a written journal as well, to talk about the more personal things I don't want to broadcast here.  Maybe I can deal with the depression and get some resolution with issues on the homefront.  I just can't be the person he wants me to be after all this time.  I can't just all of a sudden forget all the hurt and act like we're one big happy family.  The bottom line is, he just wants someone to play with because he's put all his energy into his extended family and now they're going their separate ways and he's all alone now.

And still it's him wanting me or Zach to do things he wants to do, not things we're interested in. I turned him down when he wanted me to go to a club with him and his sister and her boyfriend. Why would I want to socialize with someone who has verbally abused me, insulted my beliefs and accused me of child abuse because I homeschooled Zach?  This family doesn't believe in apologizing at all.  They simply bury it and expect everyone else to do the same.

Not to mention, I simply don't want to go out with Tom.  I don't want to pretend we're okay.  And we'll never be okay unless we can talk it out and we can't do that because at the first indication of criticism against him, he gets defensive and lashes out in a verbally abusive way. And I mean...mean.  As a result, I can't talk to him about our problems, which is exactly what he wants.  He's the master of head games, he is.  And he learned from the master...his father.  Whom he has become, to his denial.

Last night he asked me if any of my many medications would help me with the fatigue.  I told him no and he then suggested we go for walks in the morning.  I give up.  He doesn't understand that waking up feeling like you haven't rested at all doesn't make you feel like getting out of bed and walking at warp speed (although he said he would try to walk slower) first thing.  I know I need exercise but I'll do it on my own and not at his insistence.  It made me think that he's desperate to get me energetic and not for my own good.

Enough.  Someone in another blog blasted women who criticize their husbands publicly.  I briefly thought about deleting her blog from my list but for now, I'll keep it.  She's not married so she can't understand that sometimes, blogging about it is all that keeps you healthy.  I learned years ago not to talk about my problems to family members or acquaintences.  They don't care.  And if they offer you advice, which is mostly unusable, they'll wash their hands of you if you don't take it.  So you're screwed anyway you look at it.

I also found out today that my arch-nemesis, who loves to blog about her "military career," has, in fact a dishonorable discharge because she went awol.  I admit, I did a little gleeful dance because the next time, I will point out my sterling navy career of 7 years, my honorable discharge and the fact that she can't call herself a veteran and I can.

No, I won't.  I'm not really that snarky.  But I will titter a bit when I read it.

Church today was more like it used to be before I had a crisis of faith.  I've not started meditating yet, or even doing morning prayer, but I will try harder to fit it in.  I have no spiritual life to speak of and it leaves me empty.  I can't shake this interest in Brigid though.  I may have to do a lot more research into her.

Zach wants to see the doctor because he believes he's suffering from clinical depression.  I think so, too, so I will set him up for a physical.  Unfortunately they will take his blood and he's not good with needles.  Part of it is the OCD and part of it is his pain threshold is very low, mostly due to his Tourette's.  It's one of the many extra suitcases that come along with TS.  I think he can handle it but she's going to say something about his weight and he won't like that.  He's very sensitive about being overweight.  I'm working on making better choices for both of us but it's mostly my fault because I didn't teach him good habits.  He has the same bad issues with food that I have.

Still, he needs to start feeling better and anti-depressants will do that.  And maybe he'll even get into therapy.  They have that available at school free.

Off to fix supper (stir fry) and read the next book in the Inspector Kincaid/Gemma James mysteries.  They are really good.  And I finished Dr. Who season 2 yesterday.  Even Dr. Who confidential.  Now I'm watching David Tennant's video diaries (although I fell asleep during them last night.)  Then I'm going to take a break and watch Buffy for a while.  I've got tons of dvds and never really watch them because I get some from the library.  I am on the waiting list for Blue Murder season 3 and I want to get set 2 of Midsomer Murders (I think this is the 5th time through) although I wish they would get beyond set 9.  If I could afford it, I would do Netflix, but free is definitely more affordable even if I can't get the later series.


Friday, February 13, 2009

In which I go on a killing spree

I really wanted to post yesterday but I was worn out, physically and mentally.  I don't think I could have strung three words together in a sentence and have them make sense.  Not that I can do that today, however.

The drive to Fond du Lac and back yesterday wasn't uneventful at all.  On the way there, two does ran across the road in front of me, but far enough away all I had to do was slow down a bit and just enjoy the beauty of it.  Saw the flashing red and blue lights just once on the way up and it was for a car stalled and not a ticket this time.

On the way back, things were a bit more tense.  The dash lights went out so I couldn't tell how fast I was driving and had to keep switching the overhead light on until I could set the cruise control. On back county highways...dark, back county highways...this can get a bit dicey.  But I made it okay until I saw something like a bag in the middle of the road.  Unfortunately that bag moved and I didn't see that it was a raccoon until I was just a couple of feet away from him.  It occurred to me that I could have swerved to avoid him but at 55 mph, I didn't think I wanted to risk swerving and losing control of the car so...I hit him.  My car sits very low to the ground and if I had been driving the truck, I would have just gone over him, no harm done.  But the car sits extremely low and I smacked him.

I hate killing creatures.  I'm not sure why I can't seem to go vegetarian unless it's because I'm not killing my own meat.  Or maybe because I have eaten meat my whole life and I really like the taste of it.  I'm sure part of it has to do with having to cook it for everyone else.  Maybe if it wasn't in the house, I wouldn't miss it.

But I digress.  I was worried about Zach's reaction because one of his OCD issues is that he believes he will hurt someone or some animal when he drives.  Me killing a raccoon, I thought, would upset him.  But surprisingly, he found he didn't feel so bad about it.  I mean...yeah...he was upset because the raccoon was dead, but he completely felt that I had no choice and that choosing the hit the raccoon over crashing the car made sense to him.  It's  a big step toward him getting his permit renewed.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday because my cholesterol medication wasn't being as effective as it should.  And with the diabetes, it's imperative that my cholesterol be much lower than is acceptable in non-diabetics.  So I spent a lot of time prior to the visit anguishing over it, having imaginary conversations in which I was defensive and she was obnoxious.  Reality is so much better.  I don't know why I let myself get so upset over these things.  She was, as usual, great about the whole thing.  She doubled my Crestor dosage, increased my diuretic and encouraged me to go back on metformin.  I know she wants the best for me.

But it's also an urgency that I get control of my eating and get some exercise in my schedule.  It's just not that easy to do that.

I've been knitting on the new shawl, which is a variation on a dish cloth pattern.  I'll try to find the pattern and link to it and let you know what my modifications were but it will have to wait.

I'm still battling fatigue to the degree that I'm not accomplishing anything at home.  I'm barely keeping up with the dishes and the clutter in the house is exacerbating my anxiety issues.  I can't relax in a dirty house.  Tom will leave for work in a few minutes and Zach is at work so I'm going to try to get some cleaning my own pace.  I find that if I work for a few minutes and then go sit down and do something mindless for a while, and establish that routine, I can accomplish quite a bit.  But if I try to just work non-stop until a task is complete, then the next day, I'm worthless.

I really hate fibromyalgia.

The pain has been tolerable of late though.  I realized Wednesday night, when I reached to take a tramadol, that I hadn't taken one for at least three days.  Unfortunately I needed one again last night.  But still, that's better than the two a night I usually need.

I'm sure there was more I was going to blog about but my mind is still on hiatus so this will have to be it.  I'm so dull of late that I am knitting monogamously.  And that bores me to tears normally.  I'll try to come up with something more interesting by tomorrow.


Monday, February 9, 2009

Somewhere under the rainbow.

The depression is bad these days.  And coping is harder and harder each day.  Tom has decided that, since he's on a different shift now, that we will be one big happy family again.  Without addressing any of the issues that cause the humongous breach between us.  In fact, I daren't bring them up unless I'm willing to take all the blame or, failing that, be willing to be emotionally eviscerated every time I want to talk about our marriage.

Now he wants us to go out on Saturday nights with his sister and her boyfriend.  This is the sister that cornered me once and attacked and ridiculed the way I was raising Zach while Tom excused himself to go out in the backyard and smoke cigarettes and play with their dog.  And later claim he didn't know they were going after me.

This is also the sister who spread lies about me.

Yep.  These are the kinds of people I like to party with, for sure.

In 22 years of marriage I haven't had a single friend.  He only wants me to be friends with his sisters (or sisters-in-law.)   

And he's not shy about telling me he doesn't want to go places I like to go.  Not at all.  Yet when I do it, he gets sullen and mean-mouthed.

But I don't like to go out on Saturday nights at all.  I generally take my shower and get ready for bed around 8 p.m. and lights out at 10.  He made a snotty remark that we wouldn't stay out all night.

Plus, I don't like crowds.  Or smoke-filled rooms.  Or to be around people who are drinking a lot.

So I'm a nervous wreck trying to figure out a way to tell him  no without him getting mad.  I've lost sleep over this and am beating myself up because I'm such a wimp.

Then the dr's office called today.  Actually it was the nurse, not the office itself.  I went in to get my labs because my Crestor was running out.  They didn't have the orders right.  Insisted I only needed a Vitamin D check.  I told them no, I needed a liver panel.  Fortunately, the lab tech knows me and believed I knew what I was talking about so she took enough blood to cover the whole panel.  Plus, she's great with my wasted veins. labs came back terrible and the dr wants me to come in and discuss a different cholesterol medication.  Like I've got $25 to just throw around every time she wants to talk to me.  She acts like it's not a big deal, but it is to me.  She wants me to bring my sugar diary in, too, but I haven't been taking my sugar lately and I'm not on the metformin anymore because I didn't like all the potential side effects.

I am so busted.

I'm tired of being force-fed all these chemicals.  I know I need some of them.  And I know I need to change some of my bad habits and try at least to get healthier.

And I know she's going to try to get me to go to a psychiatrist and get on anti-depressants but that just isn't going to happen.  Knowing that one of the potential side effects of taking anti-depressants with tramadol is death is huge to me.  I'm not going to risk it.

But I also don't want to live with this depression anymore.  It's debilitating.  It's turning me into a zombie.  (And brains are high in cholesterol...I hope you get that joke.)

It's such a conundrum.  

I've been withdrawing further and further inside myself and I'm not sure what to do about it. More and more I'm beginning to think that I just can't put up with this facade of a marriage and that I need to get out of it, but I can't until Zach is done with school.  And that's another year at least.  I feel like I'm barely holding it together.

I think I hate it much more when Tom is friendlier than I do when he's distant.  At least then I'm left alone a lot instead of feeling like I have to be on my guard all the time.  

I need a vacation.  A serious vacation.  I've never had one though.  I might get a day once in a while that isn't as stressful or that I don't have as much to do, but I've never had a day when I had no housework or errand to run or something stressful to deal with.

A month after Zach graduates, I'm going to schedule my nervous breakdown.  And it's going to last at least a month.

I finished the shawl.  It was a fern stitch pattern, knit in two identical pieces and grafted together.  I really liked the effect since the rippled ends matched.  Unfortunately, I had trouble concentrating on it because Tom picked that moment to play with Professor who always runs to me for protection from him.  And Tom always plays with him when I've got knitting in my hands. It really scares me when I'm knitting socks though because I'm terrified Professor will get poked in the eye.  But as usual, Tom never listens to my concerns about it and does what he wants.

The woman who got it was perfect for it.  She wears a lot of red and the shawl was a lovely deep red in Red Heart Plush.  

I had to start another one immediately so I went to the store and got some Vanna's Choice.  I'm still running into knots, but I just cut and start a new piece.

I had trouble sleeping last night and when I finally got to sleep, Professor woke me up needing to go out.  Then Hannibal wanted to sleep in my arms all night and kept touching my face with his paws, sometimes with the claws extended.  I can't count the number of times he's hooked my nose or lip with his claws.  So I was a bit wary and kept waking up every time his leg extended toward my face.

There is a universal conspiracy to deprive me of sleep.

And no, I'm not paranoid.

My arch-nemesis is back on Ravelry.  I just can't post when she does.  I read her blogs now and then because it's like a train wreck.  You just can't help but stop and gawk.  But her ideas are dangerous because she thinks she's this great authority and apparently has a following.  Right now she's having a hissy fit because people are insisting she back up her "facts" with resources instead of using experiential "evidence."

And omg...she's pregnant again.  Don't get me started.

Well, I'm off to knit because I finally have a bit of knitting mojo and want to ride the wave while I can.  Plus, I'm having some Dr. Who withdrawal.  I'm hooked now.  I'm thinking of becoming a fanatic if I can muster up the energy.  At the very least, as soon as I've got the whole Buffy collection, I might start up on Dr. Who followed by Torchwood.

I hope I feel more positive tomorrow.  My appointment is Thursday so I'm out of cholesterol medicine until then at least.  I hate these panic attacks because the dr has me convinced I'm about to die from a heart attack, yet I can't seem to do anything to get healthier.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

This feels like the weekend

I could really learn  to love this new schedule.

I've got tonight and tomorrow night to watch what I want on television.  Which will be tons of Doctor Who.  I've seen an episode here and there but never really got into it.  Now that I've started from the beginning...I'm hooked.

And I really love Captain Jack.

I'm fixing pizza tonight...from scratch.  Except I don't seem to have any toppings beyond cheese and pepperoni.  The olives had gone over and I didn't have a green pepper after all.  And no mushrooms either.

It's okay.  I can eat a pepperoni pizza just fine.

I went online and looked at our utility bill and nearly fainted.  $167.  For the month.  I'm doing the happy dance, for sure.  And no, it doesn't make me want to turn the heat up.  Much.

In fact, I'm pretty comfortable right now, but that's because I'm baking pizza and I'm right next to the kitchen.

It warmed up some today so maybe the ice in the driveway will melt.  Until it freezes again and I have ice spread out even more.  Sigh.

I've been on youtube today on a Queen binge.  I decided instead of buying the cds I can't afford I'll just do it this way.  I'd much prefer watching the videos anyway.  Normally I'd get them from the library and listen to them for a couple of weeks and then take them back since my attention span is only about that long anyway, but I can't find any Queen at the library.

And I've been craving some Dan Fogelberg, too, so I might look him up on youtube as well.

And some Kansas.

I've got some labs due on Friday so I can get my cholesterol meds refilled.  I get so tired of this. Every three months I have to do this.  I don't think I need them that often but apparently the doctor is a fan of them.  I would love to get healthy and not need any of these meds.  What are the odds though?

I keep forgetting that dieting makes me gain weight so now I've gained about 7 pound in the past three weeks from fretting over dieting.  I've got to stop doing the same things over and over again.  It's not working.  When will I get that through my head?

I've been reading Anam Cara very slowly...trying to absorb it.  One thing really stuck out.  The author talks about the notion of being selfless to the degree of doing nothing for yourself.  It makes you out of balance with your soul.  He says you shouldn't be a gracious giver and a mean receiver.  That's me, though.  I give to everyone and don't let people give to me.  I think (I've really been meditating on this) that it's because I don't feel worthy to receive gifts.  They make me so uncomfortable.  And it's not just receiving from others.  It's receiving from yourself as well.  

I've really got to ponder this some more.

Well, the pizza is done so I will go eat and then finish up the shawl while I watch Doctor Who to my heart's content.

Oh, and mornings to myself are just lovely.  I don't feel like I can start my day right unless I have alone time in the morning.  I'm looking forward to having some meditation and devotional time.  I could never do that when Tom was on third shift unless I got up way early and I'm just not a morning person.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Why won't this week end?

This new schedule is taking some getting used to.  Monday I was so sleepy that I was worried about my driving.  I took Tom to work, took Zach to school and went back to pick Tom up at 10:30 p.m.  Unfortunately he didn't get out until 11:30 so I ended up sitting in the cold truck waiting for him.  I can't go into his work because of health and safety issues (no steel-toed boots for one) and I was nervous about falling asleep while waiting for him.  He drove home, thankfully.

But by the time we got there, I wasn't sleepy anymore and didn't get to sleep until about 2 a.m.  He woke up at 7:30 a.m. to walk to the garage to get the car and did nothing quietly.  So I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  I ended up sleeping in the car when we got to Fond du Lac for about 20 minutes.  I really needed it.  And then I slept another half hour after we went to McSnacky's to get some supper.  I was a lot more confident on the drive home.  Good thing, too. The police were out in force.  I saw two people get pulled over around the Lomira/Theresa area. That's one place I would never, ever exceed the speed limit.  Never.

I had to fix Tom's supper when I got home, help Zach get the trash and recyclables out to the curb and do some general straightening up.  

I managed to get 7 hours sleep last night and I think I'm good to go although I do feel like I'll never get enough sleep.  I think that's just the nature of fibromyalgia though.  Constant fatigue. Never feel rested.

Tom hates the computer and lets me know every day how bad it is.  Thing is, I never have a problem with it.  He just hates anything new.  So Zach and I are going to fix up the old computer for him and see about getting a monitor off of freecycle so he can stay up in his room forever.  I'll need to get a wireless router but it would be worth it for him to stop the constant bitching about the computer.

Plus, maybe he'll stop fiddling with it to the degree that I have to use factory restore on it. Every single time he changes something on the computer.

I finished an autobiography by Donny Osmond.  It was interesting.  I pick up biographies often because people fascinate me.  Sometimes they infuriate me, but most times I am intrigued by what life has handed them and how they handle it.  Nothing about the book surprised me but I do have a greater admiration for him.  I see a lot of my son in him.  The OCD issues, for one.   Although Donny didn't have OCD, he did have some ocd behaviors.  

I'm reading another Duncan Kincaid/Gemma James book.  It's a wonder these were never serialized on television.  They would be great.  But then, I don't think I've read a British mystery I didn't love.

Not much knitting going on.  Too tired for the most part.  I got about 3 inches done on the shawl and am nearing the point where I will graft the pieces together so I tend to go slower, measuring every few rows.  Still not sure who it is for.

My mom wants some socks so I'm going to get a care package together and send her all the socks I've knit in the past year.  I've got a cowl for her and a neckwarmer for Dad.  I do need to find something else to send my dad.  I don't want him to feel left out.  Maybe a gift card at Wendy's or something.

I'm off to warm up my hands.  I can't find my mitts and am too tired to do a serious search for them.  Hopefully I will rest up this weekend and do better next week. would be an unusual treat.