Friday, June 18, 2010

Debriefing myself

Today wasn't a laid back day as I had hoped. Not long after I woke up this morning I received a phone call from Tana and we talked until we were hoarse.  It was a great way to wake up.  I tend to withdraw and she draws me out of my shell and brings me back into the real world.

Then I had a doctor's appointment which made me nervous but it was only a new medication she wanted to try me on and some labs.  This will help both my blood pressure and my diabetes and is the same price as the med it's replacing so I was okay with it.  But it's time for some of my other labs so I went ahead and scheduled them. And this all meant that I had to go to StuffMart to pick up my prescription when all I wanted was to go back to bed.

I've been knitting and watching Blue Murder but had to get up and walk around a bit and saw the computer just sitting there so I thought I would add a few lines to the blog, even if it's all gibberish.  Zach is fixing supper so at least I don't have to do that.  I didn't stop at the library because I was too tired but A Touch of Frost is in.  I'll go tomorrow.

The trip down to see my parents was exhausting both physically and emotionally.  I'm not going into details but the dynamics between me and my parents are totally different from the one my sisters have with them and they can't understand it at all.  To them it should be like the one they have with Mom and Dad.  They think I should react the way they do so they take me to task for not having the relationship they have, for not responding to our parents the way they do.  It has begun to put a strain on our relationship to the degree that I need some space from them.  Unfortunately one of them is coming up this way in a few weeks and I'm not ready for it.  I'm still angry.  I avoid confrontation because I could write the script.  Nothing good could come of it because I know exactly what she will say and it won't be pretty.

I don't know why some adults can't let other adults make their own decisions without trying to influence them, manipulate them and make them feel small about themselves.  I'm coasting toward 60 and still get treated like I'm in my 20s and can't make the right decisions.  I'm seriously considering how to avoid contact with them from now on.  I'm already looked at as the bad seed or prodigal daughter no matter how many years it's been since I was a wayward youth.

All I know is it's killing me.  It's affecting my physical and mental/emotional well-being and something has to give.  But I have no answers because they would never let it go.  They are relentless when it comes to them trying to get me have the relationship they think I should have with my parents.

I don't know when I get to be the grown up.  When I'm 80?

But now it's time for me to get busy with my home and garden and get down to business with taking care of my family.  I noticed the tobacco is looking yellow and has been eaten in places.  It's been so wet since we've been gone that I'm thinking that's the reason for the yellow leaves.  The tomato and pepper plants look fantastic and I've got several sunflowers coming up.  And they haven't been eaten yet.  Nothing so far on the zucchini or the green beans and peas.  It's early days yet.

I didn't get much sleep this week so I'm hoping that when I do catch up a bit I'll be in better shape.  My energy levels have been returning.  Slowly, but they are returning.  I have high hopes for next week and plan to implement several changes to my schedule.  But I'll reveal those at a later time when I've had a chance to organize better.

Time to crawl back into bed and watch another episode.  I hope I can stay awake that long.  We have another premium channel for preview and there are several movies I'd like to see but Blue Murder is due back to the library soon so it takes priority.


1 comment:

knittingdragonflies said...

Crawl into bed and take care of yourself.
Everything will seem better in the morning. You are tired and need some sleep and then some knitting, and gardening.
We have to be ourselves, not who other people think we are.
Take care