Friday, September 9, 2011

Why yes I will sleep for a week thank you.

It wasn't a great day, not having had much sleep again.  At 4 a.m. Professor jumped on my chest and gave me a facial to let me know he needed to go poo, so I got up with him and went outside as well because I didn't want him barking and waking up the neighbors.  He ended his business and went to the corner of the house and peeked around it only to hear the ROTTWEILLER barking from the window.  Yards separate the houses so it sounded pretty close.  Scared me and poor Professor hightailed it back to the door in nothing flat.

I ended up just giving up at 6:30 a.m., watched the rest of  The Towering Inferno and then got up, made up the couch and went to the store.  Had breakfast at McSnacky's because it's cheap but it sat on my stomach like a rock all day.  I decided after shopping that I wasn't going to do anything today but got involved in a conversation with oldest son on facebook.  I decided to be strong and let him know my boundaries only to be told that he won't respect them because "that's who I am."  He prides himself on "cutting through the bullshit."  In other words, he thinks he's a great person for telling people what's wrong with them.  As if he is some kind of sage who knows people better than they know themselves.

Of course he let me know what my problem was and how I should fix it.  Apparently I'm a pathetic person only he can fix.  And no conversation is complete without him trying to denigrate his brother to me because it's obvious that oldest son loves me better and is willing to tell me the hard truths because he loves me while younger son worships the ground I walk on and is a sycophant.  And apparently I always blame others for my mistakes and need to own up or he's not going to talk to me anymore.

Then, because I wouldn't acknowledge his almighty wisdom and insisted on my boundaries, he got pissed, threw birth daddy in my face as being the better parent and told me he was through with me and signed off.  This after offering up an ultimatum that if I ever ended a conversation with him, we were through.  Double standard.

I am so tired of this game.  Calvinball has fewer rules.  Easier to understand Calvinball, too.

Why do family relationships have to be so toxic?

So tonight I am not going to fret about it at all because as much as I love firstborn, it's not his place to try to fix me, control me or manipulate me.  Nor do I need to "grow up" because I won't drop everything and do what he tells me to do with my life. Nor is it necessary for me to accept his criticism of me (he calls it input) when he obviously doesn't even know who I am.

Which, of course, is my fault.  Since everything is my fault.

I am going to knit.  Just as soon as I finish fixing supper, which got delayed because of the pounding on the keyboard.  I'm going to work on something I can fall asleep over because I've only been getting a few hours of sleep each night for the past 3 nights.

And tomorrow I'm going to finish weeding the yard.  I did go out with Professor when he had to wee because I didn't want to set off the ROTTWEILLER again.  While out there I pulled weeds and got the front flower garden decent looking again.  Of course it didn't help going out there since every time he went out the ROTTWEILLER barked at him.  And of course he thinks he has to have the last word.  What is it with that Y chromosome?

Well, time to finish up supper, and crawl into bed. I'll probably be wide awake by then.  I do have plans for tomorrow if I can get some sleep today.

ADDENDUM:  Things got resolved with firstborn after much frustration and angst on both parts and we've agreed to start fresh.  I acknowledged my failings in the relationship and he acknowledged his.  It's a start.



Anonymous said...

I was glad to read in the end of your post that things were smoothed over.

When you wrote "He prides himself on "cutting through the bullshit." In other words, he thinks he's a great person for telling people what's wrong with them." it hit home in a very uncomfortable way and actually made my stomach turn.

I am going through some massive shit with the SisterWife and am actually taking a break from her because I just don't know how to handle her right now. It seems as though everything I say to her ends up in a fight. I'm going to write about it when I can emotionally detach from it a bit more.

Kathy said...

Bingo, DM! That's exactly it. And when I say things are smoothed over, I mean it is for now. He can't seem to stop trying to tell me all my problems and when I try to discuss who I am and how I got here, he starts telling me I'm making excuses, blaming everyone else and playing the victim card. I told him last night that I will not put up with it anymore and if he starts I will end the conversation. That's when he started slinging ultimatums and telling me it was all or nothing with him. I'm not sure things will ever be resolved between us and I'm not sure I can handle his anger and arrogance much longer, but he's my son so what do I do?

So sorry about the situation between you and SisterWife. I will light candles for you when I pray and ask Danu to send some hugs your way. She's the one I always turn to when I need mothering. I hope you can work all this out in your head and heart. I know how difficult it is.