Last Friday in June...wow

Another day of heat but at least I got more than 5 hours sleep last night. Although Professor woke me up to go outside and I looked at the clock with fuzzy eyes, not being able to find my glasses case, and thought it was 20 till 10. I let him out for his wee and after powdering my own nose went to let him in by which time I could focus enough on the clock to see that it was 10 till 8.

I went back to bed.

And slept until 10:30. I was still the first one up.

I ended up with errands to do today, getting Zach's check, banking, library and a quick stop at StuffMart. The original detour is open for the weekend but we had to go through the labyrinth to get to town. At least getting to church tomorrow for altar guild will be easier.

We talked today about Zach quitting his job before the semester starts. He will have an internship this semester and with his already full work load, I don't think it will be worth it for only a few hours each week. I told him to put his two week notice in mid-July. He didn't argue much. He plans on using his Stafford Loan this year anyway so even if he doesn't get much in the way of grants or scholarships, it's still not going to be insurmountable debt. At most, $3,000. He has some money still in savings to take care of incidentals.

Tom expects his salary to go back to normal this fall. I sure hope so. We're still squeaking by and I can't figure out why I'm not stuffing money in the bank. Except we've got things that have had to be repaired and that has sucked up money like a vacuum.

I'm beginning to re-think the garden. I've been noticing a lot of container gardens in some of the blogs I read and since our ground is mostly clay and wouldn't produce much this year anyway, I'm thinking of just collecting containers and going that route. I can line them up around the hill that is on two sides of our property (in a decorative way, of course) and that would save me so much physical exertion that is beyond me right now. Plus, I have buckets and such in the basement that I would otherwise just have to either freecycle or throw away. And the compost can go just as well toward fertilizing the pots rather than the soil. Plus, it leaves me with more yard.

To be honest I'd rather use the land for fruit trees and fruit bearing bushes instead. And sunflowers.

Tom is going to be gone part of the weekend. His brother is up from Kentucky and he hasn't seen him in a while. He's settling for a reduced amount of money for the trip which tells me he's been taking way too much money with him the other times. If I had more energy I'd tackle the upstairs while he's gone, trying to make sense of all the chaos up there and even get rid of some things, but...no energy whatsoever.

I have my appointment with the rheumatologist coming up and I need to make an appointment for my annual with the surgeon. I hate the long drive, especially since I will have to do it several times a week come fall.

I need to clear my head somehow. I talked to Tom today and told him that the depression is overwhelming me and stealing my joy. He seemed receptive to what I was saying. Time will tell. I have decided that I'm tired of living in fear of opening my mouth though. I know that holding everything in and not being allowed to express myself without fear of harsh retribution is exacerbating the depression. And making my world colorless.

I'm not sure how to change things but I must or else it's just not worth getting out of bed anymore. I'm thinking of written communication between us until I get a bigger backbone. But that needs to be well-thought out before I endeavor that. Anger is anger whether it's in writing or spoken. Still, if written he has time to cool off.

I'm off to read. I've got tons of books from the library. I'm not finishing everything I've started because I tend to lose patience with self-help or how-to books. And some of these spiritual books aren't exactly what I'm looking for although some of the information in them is interesting and somewhat helpful. Just not enough to finish the book. So my number count to the left isn't increasing like it should because I don't put it down if I didn't actually finish it.

I bought some cotton yarn to crochet myself a purse. I want something that has pockets so I don't have to dig through everything to find what I'm looking for. Yet I need it big enough so I can carry everything I own with me at all times. So I'm looking at patterns but I think I'll end up designing it myself. It's shades of brown. I do like earth tones.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

TTFN