When will this end?

I worked a while on the mittens last night.  Something Nordic in the name of the pattern.  Then I worked on the Tree of Life afghan but it hurts my hands to do this part of the pattern.. Some kind of flower garden pattern.  I didn't feel like working on the sweaters so I looked at some patterns I've got and chose a capelet type of thing.  It's more poncho than capelet but looks fairly easy.  Except I don't really want to knit it so I got a book from the library on kimonos.  Can't think of the author's name right off the bat but she's done bags before, too.  The name will come to me soon enough.  Vicki Square!

I've been fighting to keep my eyes open all day.  Slept for a couple of hours and then woke up wide awake and my stomach growling so I grabbed a bowl of cereal, hoping that would make me sleepy.  I was awake for more than an hour but fell asleep again only to wake up every hour after that.  Not long enough to do anything, just enough to know I was awake and then turn to another position hoping to get back to sleep.  It wasn't that difficult to do but the fact that I was waking up every hour meant I wasn't getting any deep sleep at all.  My physical is in 3 days.  I'm tempted to reschedule because I'm having major anxiety attacks but I just need to get it over with.

I'll look through the book later but I doubt I start anything tonight.  I'm going to go to bed as soon as I finish up supper.  I don't care if I wake up at midnight.  I'm tired.

We had library errands today so I picked up the few items someone always puts on the list after I get back from the store.  This way I don't have to go back all week.  I hope.

But for now, I'm trying to fix supper and stay awake.  Darn it.

TTFN

Finally finishing some projects

I've made progress this weekend with the knitting.  Finished up the dishcloth shawl except for the fringe and also the desktop cover for Zach, except for weaving in the ends.  I also spent last night digging out the circular needles I had been looking for all last week.  Unfortunately I put them where I was sure I would never have put them.  In the bin in the corner, which is near-impossible to get to without standing on my head at the end of the bed.  I pulled everything out of there and put it in other locations after that.

But in looking for the needles, I found two more projects I'd like to finish, including a pair of mittens I started a million years ago.  I even managed to find the pattern without difficulty so I started working on them last night after I stuffed everything in corners and covered them up.

I still need to work on my Tree of Life afghan.  Not even halfway done with that.  And the two sweaters I started:  one for me and one for Zach.  I might get back to those this week as well.  I found a few patterns I might be interested in working on when I finish up another project or two.

In the meantime, though, I need to put the house back together, clean it or blow it up.  Something has to give because the clutter is driving me crazy.  I'm probably going to limit myself to blogging every other day...one day on this blog, the next day on the other one.  Or, if I have something important to say on one and not the other, give that one priority.  Internet time will have to go way down so I can get busy on the house and yard and find time for reading and spending time on my art and crafts.  So much to do that doesn't get done if I spend it all online.

I'm almost ready to start planting things.  We're still dealing with some cold days and nights though.  I'm going to get some tomato seeds started tomorrow.  And some green pepper seeds.  The rest I'll just plant in the garden.  If it ever dries up enough to till it.   Won't be a big garden, but it will take care of some of our summer needs.  Not to mention the flowers I want to plant this year.  I'd like the yard to look nice this year.

For now, I'm going to go lie down.  Still not sleeping well.  I don't want to take the herbal sleeping pills every night so I didn't take any last night.  It wouldn't have made any difference since I got right to sleep but didn't stay there.  That's my biggest problem.  My annual physical is coming up so I might mention it to the dr and if she doesn't tell me it's the depression, maybe she'll have something I can take.  I'll never get rid of the fatigue if I don't get regular sleep.

But for now, off to bed to watch my ever-increasing inventory on dvr.  We had a free channel this weekend so I taped some movies.  Don't plan on keeping them, but I did want to see them.  I'm up to nearly 80% of capacity now so I'd better make room for my usual stuff.

TTFN

Elusive sleep still eludes me

Didn't sleep at all Monday night so Tuesday was a completely miserable day.  I dozed off and on but didn't get any rest.  I took a couple of the herbal sleeping pills.  They made me sleepy but I was still unable to stay asleep.  And the sleep I got last night (12 hours) didn't feel restful.)  So today wasn't very good either.  Tom's schedule is off because he's been working during the day the past 2 days.  Really...still working 12 hour days though.  Tomorrow he's back on schedule.

But I don't think that's it.  I think it's still just a letdown from all the stress I've been dealing with. And continue to deal with.

So today we did shopping and errands since it was rainy and we couldn't mow.  It's supposed to be nice tomorrow so we can mow then.  I didn't buy more than was on the list and spent probably 5 times less money than I normally do.  With all the stuff I've got in the fridge, freezer and pantry, I shouldn't really need to do much shopping at all next month aside from necessities.  Especially if I do a lot of cooking from scratch.

I need to start my tomato and pepper plants.  Just a couple of tomato and maybe 4 pepper plants.  I'm going to have to have a garden after all, but I'm going to use what seeds I've already got instead of buying more.  It's still too wet to till the garden though so I can plant up some seeds in some pots I have already.  I'm not going to put my lavender in the ground yet either because I don't think we're done with frost yet.

As usual with all this fatigue, I haven't been knitting much, but I did finish up the socks.  They're awaiting a wash and then I'm not sure who will get them.  Too big for my mom and too small for my dad so I might end up with them.  I do deserve it after all.

Well, time to get Tom's supper started.  Mostly leftovers with some additions to fill it out.  I don't have room for a lot of leftovers so eat them while we can.

TTFN

Giving up chores for my health

Did the banking today so I could transfer money to Zach's account for his student loan payment.  Things are getting dire here with out account and our cushion is nearly gone.  The past few months have been brutal with unexpected expenses and next month doesn't look any better so I'm going to have to tighten the grip on the checkbook and wallet and try not to let anymore money escape.  Tightwad lockdown!

We'll get our tax refund soon but that must go into savings and stay there untouched in case Tom doesn't get a bonus this year.  I'll never trust in that again.  Ever.

I managed to finish the tarot bag.  It looks good although plain.  I'm nearly done with the remaining sock now.  I'm down to the toe decreases.  Nearly done with the black/gray/white shawl so I need to get back to other projects as well.  Before I start anything new.  I mean it this time.

At least I hope I do.

Although I did pick up two new knitting books at the library today.  sigh

I keep trying to catch up with the house but with no energy, I'm only marking time.  Making no progress and slipping backwards daily.  I've decided to take one chore a day and not do it.  Instead I will exercise for the amount of time it took to do the chore.  If I take the miniscule amount of energy I have each day and put it into working on chores and cooking, then I'm never going to get ahead.  I'll only always get done what I do each day.  Except each day I'll have less and less energy until I'm not even doing those chores.  If I take that time and put it toward fixing my health, then maybe I'll go forward instead of backward.

It's worth a try.  I've tried to talk to Tom about giving me some space to work on this and he said he understood but as he started complaining about certain things not getting done, I don't think he does.  I'll have to give up on trying to get him to understand.  It's hard when you've never experienced it.  He does get very tired from his schedule, but he has opportunities to rest and recuperate.  I never do.  Never.  My rest doesn't make me feel rested.  My sleep exhausts me.  I know he thinks he understands but he doesn't really.  I'm not wasting anymore energy trying to get anyone else to understand what I go through.  I just don't have any left.

I may start out with only five minutes of exercise a day but I hope, in time, that will increase and I will be able to do all my chores AND exercise.  Believe it or not, that will be a day of celebration because I'll have my life back at that point.

But for now...I used up all my energy running errands today and I still have laundry to fold and supper to cook.  Something frugal and easy to cook because I'm exhausted and would love to go back to bed.

Damned fibromyalgia!  If the pain doesn't get me, the fatigue does.

TTFN

What a wasted day

Today was a bust.  I didn't sleep at all last night because the pain was that bad.  I took 3 tramadol over the course of the night and got the pain down to a dull roar but one of the side effects of tramadol is insomnia so I couldn't stay asleep once I dozed off.  I think the longest I slept last night was 20 minutes.

I finally got up around 8 a.m. and dealt with a problem my older son was having.  He lost his job at the university and therefore couldn't afford to keep his phone on and can't get another job without a phone.  He's in college with grants and loans but some of his essentials aren't included in that.  So we were trying to figure out how I could pay for his phone from here.  We got it settled but it took all morning because the website originally wouldn't accept my payment.  All I needed to do was log out and in again and retry the payment method but they don't tell you that while you're trying to figure it out.  Hope one of those job applications pay off.

He has an associate's in computers but, like Zach, can't even get an interview.  No one is hiring associate's degrees in computers anymore.  Something the tech schools aren't telling incoming students apparently.  But unlike Zach he has 20 years experience working on computers but that doesn't count at all.  So he's in college working toward a degree in liberal arts.  I expect he'll end up teaching or something like that.  If he can afford to keep attending.

I went back to bed around 10 a.m. and slept until 3, woke up and went to town for the library and a couple of things Tom needed.  I'm ready to go back to bed but I know I won't sleep well tonight unless I take an herbal sleeping pill or something.  Which does nothing to keep me asleep if the pain wakes me up.

I'm doing laundry at least.  Zach has sensory problems and is much like the princess and the pea...he can feel every crumb or hair or piece of lint on his sheets when trying to sleep so I'm washing his sheets for him along with other clothes that desperately need washing.  It's raining out so I'll use the dryer.  I'm only doing 2 loads though.  Too tired to do anymore than that.

I'm nearly done knitting my tarot bag, making good progress on the shawl but haven't worked on anything else.  I'm trying not to start another project but I would love a new sweater coat.  Mine is falling apart.  A store brand from 10 years ago.  I have a pattern I love but it's too small for me now.  I'm several sizes bigger than I used to be.

But I do need to stand firm and finish up the two sweaters I've got going, the desk cover, the socks and the Tree of Life afghan before I cast on any more stitches. I must be strong!

But I probably won't.  Still it will take me a while to find a pattern I like so in the meantime I need to keep plugging away at my already started projects.

TTFN

Catching up

I probably won't be posting every day for a while as I'm trying to catch up on housework, yard work and sleep, but I will try to write something every other day at least.  And yes...sleep is happening finally.  I slept badly Monday night but what sleep I did get was fairly restful and last night, while interrupted several times, my sleep was pretty good.

I'm not rolling in energy but I do have determination so I'm getting things done.  Slowly but they are getting done.  I worked on my room yesterday because I sleep so much better in a clean room and it did make a difference.  I also had errands and did enough shopping so I won't have to go back until next Monday at least.

Today I've been working on the dining room, a bit in the kitchen but for the most part, working on a year's worth of ironing.  Most of Zach's nice summer shirts need ironing but they were $3 each so what can you expect?  I probably won't finish the kitchen and dining room, but I intend to finish up the ironing.  It will free up some space in the closet, too.

I'm trying not to overdo it today because that always bites me in the rear and I end up in bed for a few days after, but I hope that won't happen this time.

I've been making good progress on the dishcloth shawl.  I love the striping in it, various shades of gray, including a pale gray and black.  It's so soft and light, though, that I don't think it will give warmth, but it will make a nice accessory.  Maybe I'll send it to my mother as a gift for the loss of her sister.  I also worked on the bag for my tarot cards.  I frogged back and decided to make two bags instead of one as one bag would be so cumbersome.  Well, too big anyway.

Baked chicken to night for supper as it doesn't require a lot of work on my part so I can get the ironing finished.  Maybe some roasted potatoes and carrots to go with it.  But now I need to get back to ironing.  I'll be glad when it's all done.

TTFN

Recovery Day

I can't believe it's time to fix supper since I woke up not long ago.  I managed to sleep 14 hours last night with a few interruptions but none long enough to count.  I'm feeling much better today although still in pain, probably due to the weather.  Windy and wet.

The stress was largely caused by planning a surprise party for my husband's 60th birthday.  I'm not a social animal and suffer from social anxiety...I'd say moderate social anxiety.  But it was his 60th and I've never had a party for him before so I wanted to do something this year.  He works a lot of hours and I wanted to let him know how much we appreciate it.

So the planning, shopping, wondering how I was going to pay for it, delegating the invitation list (I hope no one got left off) and everything involved was incredibly stressful for me.  Not to mention being in a house with many people, some of whom I'd never met before.  Zach was my buffer, keeping me in safe places and helping me get away outside when I needed to.  I'm sure some of the people there thought I was stand-offish or rude.  Nothing I can do about that, though.

So...since I woke up at 2 p.m. today isn't the big cleaning day I had anticipated.  I have tackled the kitchen and brought it under control, but nothing else has gotten done.  I need to clean my bedroom before I go to bed tonight because I can't sleep in clutter, last night being the exception.  And I need to make a quick run to the store because we ran out of a couple of things, but no real shopping and no more eating out.  We are in tightwad standdown from now on.

My sister-in-law, at whose house we had the party, gave me some yarn she had bought for a vest and had leftover.  Two huge skeins left over.  It's a boucle, acrylic and nylon, in black, white and all the shades of gray in between.  I'm knitting a dishcloth shawl from it.  I've wanted a shawl for a while but haven't really had the colors or type of yarn I wanted and this is perfect for it.  I can probably knit another one (or two) from what I've got so I might be able to send one to my mother.

I've also worked on the bag for my divination cards (tarot and oracle) but I do need to get back to finishing up the projects I have started so long ago.  But it feels so good to be knitting again.  I have really missed it.

But I need to figure out something for supper and tackle my bedroom because I'm planning on a very early night tonight so...

TTFN

Just get me through the weekend

As soon as I can I will have a meltdown.  I just don't have the time right now what with getting through the weekend and all.  I'll be able to talk more about it all on Monday or Sunday night if I haven't taken to my bed by then.

I got a call from my mother yesterday morning, waking me up on what was going to be the only night I was going to get any sleep.  Not her fault.  For her it was mid morning...different time zone and all.  My aunt died on Tuesday night around midnight.  She was in her late 80s, had lived a quiet, unremarkable life but had been surrounded by her kids and their kids.  She was married to one of the meanest men I ever knew in my life but she stuck with it because her generation taught her to do that.   Fortunately he died years before her so she had a lot of peace the last 20 years or so.

So I had to go pick up some sympathy cards, stamps and a few supplied for a card party my sister-in-law is having on Sunday.  I don't play cards and don't usually attend but what the heck.  So I forgot the stamps, didn't get the check out to my mother yesterday (or even today) for the flowers or whatever charity they're going to ask for donations to.  Ideally I would love to donate to Planned Parenthood but as they are all fundamentalist Christians, I'm not sure a donation to them would be taken well.  I could be wrong but I doubt it.

I got the stamps today but won't get anything in the mail until tomorrow because I'm going to fix supper and then go to bed.  I haven't had an 8 hour sleep in the past several months and even then that would only happen once in a blue moon.  I've been getting about 5-6 hours of constantly interrupted sleep and I'm frayed, stretched and falling apart.  The dog thinks that when the sun rises it means he gets to go out every single hour and since I don't normally get to sleep until Tom goes down for the night, it's rare for me to find sleep before 2 a.m. or so.  I refused to get out of bed this morning for the third time in 3 hours but the dog still woke me up and I had a hard time getting back to sleep.

But I did knit last night for a while.  On the Tree of Life afghan, the desk cover and the neverending sock.  I think I felt guilty because I picked up 6 skeins of aqua colored Bernat acrylic on sale yesterday.  Today I picked up 4 skeins of cream colored yarn of the same kind.  I have in mind a sweater coat.  I just have to find a pattern for it amongst my pattern stash.  It felt good to knit and I plan to get back to it daily from now on.  I have so many projects going that need to be worked on and eventually finished.

So...after Sunday I plan on starting some new routines (including sleep!) along with some major frugality.

But for now...supper must be fixed and I must go to bed even if the sun is still shining.

TTFN

The taxes are in the mail

Yesterday was devoted to finishing up the taxes.  One of the most stressful days of the year because so much is at stake.  And when Tom tried to do them he ended up with us paying $1200 in taxes, which I knew couldn't be right but I couldn't find the mistake and so stressed about how the hell we were going to come up with that much money.  In a few days. 

Fortunately I discovered he was using one tax form and another booklet.  So I went back to the library and got the correct forms, found the mistake and got them done.  We barely squeaked by this year without paying but next year, if he doesn't change his W-4, we will pay.  I just hope he remembers to get that done and soon.

State taxes are more complicated but we end up getting more back from them.  Just enough between the two of them to pay our property taxes next January.  Tom is a bit miffed, I think, that I won't make that money available because he didn't respond when I talked about it last night.  It was as if I wasn't even saying anything.  But we have a chance to get ahead for the first time in nearly 20 years.  I'm not going to let this opportunity pass us by.

I really need new glasses and we must get a new stove as this one is falling apart nearly daily.  But we have money in savings to buy a reasonable stove.  No bells and whistles and electric instead of gas (because I've cooked with gas for most of our marriage and don't want to switch now) but we can afford it.  And maybe a new front storm door as well.  But no new glasses this year.  I just hope my eyes can stand it another year.  I can still read and see to drive without any problems.  I would pass an eye exam at the DMV so it's not urgent.  But I could see better, I'm sure.

I have one more hurdle to jump this week and then the major stress in my life will ease off enough that maybe I can sleep again and then I have much work to do inside and out.  I've decided to have a garden this year as we will be hitting the tightwad mode with super urgency because we're barely able to make it on this paycheck.  And I don't expect much of a raise, if any, in June. Even if that were the case...the cost of living has increased way beyond our ability to keep up.  So...back to cooking from scratch and devouring my tightwad books.  No frivolous expenditures from now on.  We have to work on living on our paycheck plus fixing up the house that is beginning to exhibit cascade failure.

I've got plenty of yarn to keep me busy and I need to get back to it.  Book purchases will have to be limited as well, although there are books I just can't get from the library and that I really would like to have because they are about areas of spirituality that are important to me.  But...I don't need to go nuts about it.  One a quarter will do.

In the meantime...sleep is most important to me.  I woke up last night after about 20 minutes' sleep because I was sure I had done the taxes wrong so I got up 3 times checking them over from start to finish.  Finally around 7 a.m. I fell asleep and stayed there until 8:30 when I let Professor out and again at noon for another potty break for him.  I finally woke up at 2 and stayed up but I've been dragging all day long.  I got pizza for tonight and will stick it in the toaster oven soon for Tom and then I'm heading for bed.  I'm just beat.

TTFN

Wasted Monday

I really miss knitting.  I look at my knitting bag and projects each day but I just haven't had the energy to work on them.  I hope to get back to it soon though.  I realized today that I don't even walk down the yarn aisle in StuffMart anymore.  It's like an illness. :)

I had hoped Tom would do the taxes yesterday but since that didn't happen, I'm under the gun to get them done and soon.  I was going to work on them today but I napped nearly 3 hours and then had to run errands.  I've got to fix supper very soon and finish up two loads of laundry.  And all I really want to do it go back to bed.  I'm that sleepy.

I took some herbal sleeping pills over the weekend and ended up sleeping until 2 p.m. one day.  The next I didn't sleep much at all because of the pain from my fibromyalgia.  Turns out sleeping pills don't trump fibromyalgia pain.  Darn!

Last night it took a while for the pain to subside but I slept although I'm still getting interrupted sleep.  Although I am dreaming again so there is that.

I'll just have to get to bed early tonight and hope for the best, tackle the taxes first thing and then go outside to work on the yard.  Couldn't work outside today anyway without an anchor.  We had 25 mph winds with gusts up to 35.  Normal for this time of year actually.  Don't hang clothes out on the line if you've grown attached to them.  You might not see them again.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.  A more productive one. 


TTFN

And I forgot to knit, too

I completely forgot to blog yesterday.  Not that I still wasn't online too much but I got busy toward the end of the day and just shut everything down and collapsed in bed.  And yet...nothing much to show for what I got done.

I was making soup for lunch when my glass saucepan cracked in two.  Fortunately nothing leaked out but the pan was toast and since that was the third pan I'd lost in the last few years, I'm running low on stuff to cook with.  So, since I got a call from the library that I had four items in, Zach and I headed to town where we picked up the books, grabbed a soda and a hamburger off the value menu because I was afraid to eat the soup (because of glass particles) and then went looking at StuffMart for a new set.

Tom and I had bought the glassware back when we first got married so most of them have made it past 25 years, which isn't a bad record.  But we had already decided that when we replaced the glass, we would go with stainless steel because I love my stainless skillet and dutch oven.  I had intended to just buy what I needed to replace but it was a pretty good deal to get the whole set (minus the 3qt pan, which is sold separately) and was about a fourth the price I thought we would have to pay out.  Plus we got stainless steel spatulas and spoons to go with it.

I grabbed a chicken from the deli in the cheap section (still good but had been under the lights too long to sell at fresh prices) for $1.50, came home and fixed chicken broth rice in the new sauce pan.  I will have to re-learn how to cook as these heat up much faster.  The rice turned out perfect...much better than the glass pans, to be honest.  But I learned the hard way that the lids need a pot-holder to take them off.  The glass ones, not so much.  Ouch!

Then I had laundry to do, the kitchen to clean up a bit (still needs so much more done at the deeper level) and by that time I was very tired and went to bed after cleaning up the supper mess. 

And then I fell asleep only to wake up about 15 minutes later.  That went on all night.  I probably should have taken one of Tom's herbal sleeping pills since they worked so well but I didn't think of it until nearly 5 a.m. and by that time had lost all hope of sleeping.  So I'm dragging my butt again.

I have gotten a few loads of laundry done and did some work in the kitchen and dining room but not enough to really call it a good day.  Honestly I could just go to bed now and not even bother with supper if it wasn't for Tom needing to eat when he comes home.

Tomorrow we have to mow the yard.  Both neighbors have mowed now (and of course the neighbor to the right still won't mow the property line so it will look a bit ridiculous when we do) so our yard looks terrible.  And I need to get some flowers planted.  And when it dries out enough, till up the garden and plant grass seed because I'm done with vegetable gardens forever.

But really all I want to do is sleep.  I should have laid out something for supper but I didn't so I have no idea what to cook for supper.

I'm sure if I could sleep at night, I could think during the day. But since I don't...I can't.

TTFN

My phone is finally silent

No robo calls from political people today although Rachel from cardholder services got an earful of language that would peel paint off the house.  Not that she heard me since it, too, is a robo call.

I did sleep some last night although I got up with Professor 3 times anyway.  His barking became more urgent toward morning so I relented and got up and he did have to go.  But those times when he was using his indoor bark, I turned over and ignored him.  He eventually jumped back into bed.

Still...it would be lovely to sleep all the way through.  I only got up 3 times, but he woke me up about 6 times.  Plus I woke up when Tom came home and it took a while to get back to sleep.

I'm not doing much of anything today aside from laundry and some clean up in the kitchen.  I really need to scrub it down and do some organizing in there but not today.  We voted this afternoon and then went to the thrift store where I found a stoneware goblet I loved for my altar and a little gadget for Tom's birthday.  We're just getting him silly stuff this year for his birthday.

Hopefully tomorrow I won't have to go anywhere and can focus on the kitchen.  I'll worry about the rest of the house later but the kitchen needs to be cleaned and better organized so I can get back to cooking from scratch.  I need counter space and access to the pantry.  We had to empty out the cabinet above the pantry because it leaks from the rain so that stuff is on the floor in front of the pantry.  Tom had put it in the pantry but as there is a lot of chemicals and stuff there, I quickly removed it from the foodstuff.  I can't get to the pantry very well now because of all the stuff in front of it.  Plus there are things that don't fit in the pantry that need to find a new home.  And the floor really needs a mopping.

I'm definitely not going to have a garden this year.  I'm going to focus on the yard and flowers and such so the neighbors don't vote us out of the neighborhood.  We're the people neighbors hate to have with our clutter and such.

But tonight I'm doing laundry and fixing supper.  Beyond that nothing more.  I will try another of those herbal sleeping pills again.  It worked pretty well and didn't make me groggy today.  But the fatigue is always there no matter how much sleep I seem to get.

And that really sucks.

TTFN

Be back tomorrow

I don't know what has gotten into Professor but he woke me up every hour last night to go out for a wee.  He didn't seem in distress and definitely had no problem wee'ing but this can't go on.  And the one hour it seemed like he was going to let me sleep, the phone rang and it was one of those robocalls from the Republicans.  An hour later, got another call.  Which woke Professor up and I had to get up with him ten minutes later.

Tonight I'm going to take one of Tom's herbal sleeping pills, lay out puppy pads all over the kitchen floor and put a pillow over my head when he barks wanting out.  He's gotten used to going out frequently during the night and this has to stop.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in about a month and I can't keep going on like this.

I'll be back after the election tomorrow when those m-f robocalls stop.  They should be illegal.

We got 8 in the space of a 40 minute period this afternoon, not counting three this morning and I just got back from the store and the light is flashing on the voice mail so there are more on that.

Sheesh!