Thursday, April 4, 2013

The venture

According to the updates I'm getting from my brother-in-law Mom is probably entering the beginning of the last phase of her life.  She sleeps, wakes, seems to spend time with people who aren't really there but is waiting for her vigil to end so she can be at peace.  The dr is amazed that she is still awake and aware.  It's been 8 days since her last dialysis.  A normal person would be in a coma already.

I've been knitting on socks.  I found out my niece doesn't like purple so I frogged the socks and am knitting them in two subtly different shades of pink in the roadrunner pattern. I don't have a link because the site no longer exists.  I just had the pattern in my stash from ages ago.

I was working through my panic today.  I've always had an obsessive fear of failure that has prevented me from even trying anything new in life.  The only time I ever burst through that barrier was when I joined the Navy.  But as I got older the fears returned and I've been unable to finish anything.  That's my biggest fear now, that I will have invested this money and will crawl back into my hole and not even try to succeed.  Tom seems to have faith in me but he does understand that I am so afraid of wasting the money we just invested.  Still, he says it's worth it.  Hard to believe someone has more faith in me than I have in myself.

We're going to the library tomorrow to find some books on wood-carving and working with polymer clay.  I'd like to branch out and start doing more than knitting.  It's a long time before we expect to see a pay off to the investment and there is much more investing to do before we're at the stage where money comes back in.  I don't mean to be vague.  Zach and I are starting up a business together selling things we've made but we've already decided that we don't want it to be an internet business so we're working now on accumulating an inventory of our products.  Various things, a lot to do with paganism. 

But we're also writing a book together.  I think that scares me more than anything else.  We invested in a lap top because the computer is in a very busy spot in the house and there is no way I can write here.  I used to write all the time.  I wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl.  Art holds my heart as well but writing was my first love.  I got discouraged by so many people telling me I couldn't write or who threw away my writings or flat out told me my stuff wasn't very good but that the person saying it could fix it for me.  So I'm trying to overcome a lifetime of negativity and finally do it.  The lap top will also be used in the business so it's only being used for that.  Not for going online to read blogs or anything else.  Just the business.

Zach is going to go back to school and take some business courses starting this summer, most likely  The details really terrify me and my heart thumps every time I think of doing this.  And it races every time I think of the money we spent on the lap top.  It's not an expensive model but when you've got little money anyway, any model is expensive.

I did get some writing done today.  Probably about 3 hours.  I need to write for more hours a day but I was tired when I woke up...still a bit of breathlessness from the work I did yesterday. I used my inhaler and got to coughing and felt better after that but I'm sure it's going to take time.  So I took it a bit easier today.  Mostly just sitting and writing.  I worked on a book I had started several years ago, started a short story and did some stream of consciousness writing.  I saw a documentary about it and found out that many famous writers do this every day.  It sort of primes the pump of inspiration.  And since my well has been dry for decades, I definitely need that pump primed.

Well, fixing supper now so I must go.  I'm going to get to bed very early tonight.

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