Sunday, April 7, 2013

Hoping to see the end of this pneumonia soon

I'm getting really tired of this pneumonia.  I keep moving forward and then backward.  Two days in a row I woke up wheezing and very short of breath then today no wheezing and only mildly short of breath but I've been coughing pretty steadily for the past two days.  And today.  I know I didn't cough enough early on in the pneumonia so I'm still trying to get it out of my lungs.

My mother is still with us although her alertness has waned and she sleeps a lot or talks to people who are no longer in this realm.  I think the veil has become so thin that she does see them in her room with her.  They keep saying she shouldn't still be alive.  It's been 11 days since she stopped dialysis.  I think she's always had some kidney function left and that's why she's still alive.  It's not that I don't believe that things happen outside the world of reason; I just think reason has to be looked at first.

Another reason I didn't sleep well last night was because I've been listening with one ear all night long, waiting for the phone to ring.  The more time passes, the more likely that call is going to be today.  Or tomorrow.  But it's inevitable.  We're not looking at maybes anymore.

I'm still working on her shawl although I know she'll never wear it.  I'll donate it to some place of care for the elderly or sick so that someone else can benefit from it.  I'm knitting good intentions into it, hoping that whoever ends up with it will feel the love and care that went into it.  And maybe a part of my mother will be there to comfort them.  She was very good at that with the people she gave of herself to in her church.

And I am making progress on R's socks.  I've turned the heel and am working on the instep now, decreasing to the correct number in two different shades of pink.  Very subtle differences but it looks nice in the jaywalker pattern.  I'm going to knit a pair for both my sisters, too, in honor of the work and effort they have done in maintaining a vigil over our mother in her last days.

But I am really tired now so I'm going to go lie down and maybe even fall asleep.  I have to do the taxes tomorrow even though my mind is still a jumble from thoughts of my mother and still feeling under the weather with this pneumonia.  But if I don't do them, they don't get done so I've got no choice.

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