Friday, April 12, 2013

She's gone

I got the call at 4:30 a.m.  I was still awake from when Tom got home so I knew immediately what the call meant.  Her long battle with kidney disease and infection and cancer is over and she is on the other side now, at peace.  I won't be going down for the funeral for several reasons, the biggest one being my health.  I'm still battling the pneumonia and now it looks like Zach might be battling it as well.  I'll try to get him an appointment on Monday. 

It will, of course, be a completely Christian funeral.  That is the religion of my family and that is the religion they should use to comfort themselves.  My older sister is a pastor and will deliver the eulogy.  They intend to record the service for me.

I'm pretty numb right now.  Not really feeling anything.  I haven't cried yet and don't know when I will.  But I do know that eventually I will cry.  We had to run to the store to get some cold medicine for Zach (and me) so we stopped in at Wendy's to grab a bite.  I'm friendly with one of the managers and several of the workers.  They could tell something was wrong and since Joe, having just lost his grandmother knew my mother was dying, knew immediately what it was.  I got hugs and a great deal of sympathy.  How odd that the only friends I have are at a fast food place.

Tom is taking some much-needed time off this weekend because he's about to burn out from all the hours he's working.  I hate to do this to him but I'm going to bed for the weekend and so is Zach.  I have an appointment with the dr on Tuesday and I don't want her putting me in the hospital.  I don't think she'll give me a second chance.  I got soups and microwaveable things. I desperately need to clean but that will just have to wait.  Along with the laundry.  Zach's panting like I have been doing so he can't be going up and down the stairs either.

It's still very surreal for me that my mother has died.  It was surreal that she was sick...this woman who was rarely ever sick until the last couple of years of her life.  The dementia took away the woman I knew but every now and then she surfaced and we could have those good phone calls.  Getting to see her one last time, knowing it was the last time and even though I never did say good bye, it was intimated and with that, there was closure.  And odd thing we humans need more than anything else, it seems.

And so I'm going back to bed, to knit the socks for my niece and sisters. 

Relief, numbness, sorrow and joy.  Odd emotions to process all at once but that's what is squirming around inside me now.


AthertonCA said...


I am sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Please take care of yourself.

Susie B said...


I am so sorry to hear this news. While the old adage of time heals everything seems true, in the last month I've started to pick up the phone to call my mother so many times to remember that I can't.

Try and get some rest this weekend.


Kathy said...

Thank you both. I'm trying to rest as much as possible this weekend. It's still a bit unreal for me that she's gone. I found a picture of her last night and it hit me a little bit harder. I do miss her.