Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Three steps forward, two steps back

Last night was miserable again.  Up all night coughing and until about 5 a.m. it was totally unproductive.  Tom didn't get home until around 4:30 a.m. so worry was part of the reason I was still awake.  But I was able to sleep for 2 and a half hours straight, without waking up so that helped a lot.  Even if it's nearly all the sleep I got.

The breathlessness was bad earlier on today but I helped Zach take the trash out and got the truck started since it had been dry a couple of days (most likely a distributor cap problem) and with all the walking around the store, I think I built up some stamina I had lost during this cold, or whatever it is.  Most likely bordering on bronchitis if not fallen inside the fence.  I'm feeling a bit stronger tonight so if I get some sleep tonight I won't call the dr.  But if I have another night of non-stop coughing, I'm calling for an appointment.  Most likely I will be calling for an appointment.

Still no knitting, no reading and tv bores me when I'm sick so not much watching of the things on dvr.  I'm going to take a shower tonight as the steam really helps break up what's in my chest.  I've been doing okay in that department today but for some reason, when 8 p.m. comes around, everything tightens up and I can't cough anything up until near morning.

Heard from my dad today.  He sounds so weak and sad.  Said he hadn't been visiting my mom much but wanted to do more of that.  She misses him but it's so hard for him to see the woman he's loved for over 62 years deteriorating before his eyes.  And she refuses to give up, insists on taking dialysis.  I tried to explain to my sisters what Mom's thinking is but I don't think they see it the same way.  I think Mom is waiting for her body to shut itself down.  She doesn't want to stop it herself by entering hospice.  She wants to hang onto every vestige of life left to her, no matter how miserable it is.  I think the dr scared her when he talked about what would happen if she quit dialysis, how the toxins would build up in her brain and she would go into a coma and just slip away.  She doesn't like that scenario at all.  She wants to go on until her body stops.  She can't bring herself to throw in the towel.

I did tell Daddy that today and I think he agrees with me to a point.  He thinks she's just not done yet, that she has things she needs to finish up first.  Tom thinks she might be waiting for Daddy to go first, as that was the most likely scenario we lived with for the past few decades.

I don't know.  I just know she's not ready to quit and I hope no one down there is trying to talk her into it.  No one wants to see her so miserable and suffering like this but neither should we try to force an end on her.  She knows it's inevitable.  She's just waiting for it to happen; she doesn't want to make it happen herself.

Well, I've got to clean up the kitchen a bit and then off to shower and then bed.  I really would like some sleep tonight but I suspect it will be another all-nighter with a phone call in to the dr for an appointment.

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