A wake-up call

I saw the surgeon today and after he consulted with my oncologist, it looks like I'll be remaining on the aromasin for another 5 years. Apparently I'm at very high risk for a recurrence of the cancer and they feel that it would be more beneficial for me to stay on the medication.

Wow. I guess I got complacent, thinking that since I've made it this far, I've made it. Apparently I'm never going to be able to heave that sigh of relief.

This also means I need to get serious about losing weight as that increases my risk of recurrence. It seems like so much hinges on my weight. High cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer.

I'm a bit stunned by the revelation (although I think they already told me this five years ago) so I'm not too much in the mood to blog right now. There is nothing going on to write about anyway.

TTFN

My mojo visited me today

I got quite a bit (for me) accomplished today. I decluttered the dining room quite a bit although it doesn't really look any different. I threw out one black garbage bag full of junk and another black garbage bag full of stuff for the thrift store. And it seriously doesn't look much different in here.

Well, maybe it looks cleaner since I swept up all the dust elephants. They were way too big to be bunnies.

I've got my annual appointment with the surgeon tomorrow so I won't get a lot done but I hope to get some outdoor work done and I'd love to tackle the kitchen and get rid of stuff. That one is harder because Tom wants to hang onto everything in there.

I made pizza tonight from scratch. I added garlic, minced onions and oregano to the dough while it was mixing in the bread machine. It turned out pretty good. I think I'll make some bread sticks later this week and add those ingredients.

I need to dig out my bin full of patterns out from under the couch-that-is-made-up-into-a-bed. I'm not sure how I'm going to reach it without pulling the bed away from the wall. I need some crochet patterns that are stashed in there. I want to crochet some baby blankets for the Haiti project and I'm sure I have some in there. I looked at the library but all I found were some tightly crocheted patterns and because this is Haiti, albeit the mountains in Haiti where it can get down into the low sixties, they don't need heavy blankets but light-weight, lacy ones would work.

Well, I'm beat. I woke up at 8:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep so I woke up and tackled the kitchen and then took a nap around noon for about 1 hour. I could fall into bed right now so I think I will.

TTFN

Bleary Monday

I meant to get up early today and get a fresh start but I was still awake when the alarm was supposed to have gone off. I turned it off when I realized I wasn't going to get to sleep so at least I didn't have that heart-stopping sound to deal with.

What kept me up last night? Probably a combination of things. Zach submitted his financial aid update in early April, they acknowledged it and we settled in to wait. He got a letter from the school in May that they needed proof of our tax returns so we turned those in the day after we got the letter, not wanting to impede the process. Last week we got an email from the financial aid people saying they just received the updated financial aid packet. Updated????? We didn't update anything! And now his tuition is due in 9 days and we have no financial aid in sight.

Yeah...I lost some sleep this weekend.

He's going in this week to talk to the financial aid people at the campus to see what happened. All I can do is put his tuition on the credit card yet again. With him not getting more than 10 hours a week, he didn't make enough money for the tuition and we sure don't have it in savings. Heck, I haven't been able to stick any money away all summer.

Which brings me to the other problem: Tom's pay won't be going up until next year so we've got to somehow manage to get Zach to school in Fond du Lac and heat the house on the amount of money we're just getting by on now. But he's expected to work full time in exchange for some future "reward." I told Zach we might need his savings to pay for gas. At least this will be the last semester as he plans on getting just the IT Tech Support degree for now.

See why I didn't get much sleep this weekend?

But we did make it to church, which was weird but okay. Hardly anyone was there. I'm not sure why. Summer vacations? I don't know.

One of the ladies at church gave me a huge bag of yarn she got at a church rummage sale. I took it home and sorted it out to see if any of it could be used for baby blankets for the newborns in our sister church in Haiti. Most of it was Caron Simply Soft in lovely colors that I could make three blankets out of but some of it was an acrylic yarn of some kind which was much too rough for a baby blanket but would work well for a dog's blanket for the Humane Society. And one small ball of wool that I might be able to make wrist warmers out of but nothing else.

I plan on crocheting the blankets because it would take forever to knit one and since I have three to produce, I'll go with the fastest route. I found a pineapple doily I would love to turn into a blanket but it would be much too open for newborn fingers and toes so I think I'll turn some of my stash into that blanket for something pretty for my bedroom/living room.

I think today will be a day of errands instead of a huge work day since I'm working on about 3 hours sleep...and not uninterrupted sleep at that. Hopefully we'll get some resolution at the school today and find out there was no revision, that's just what they called the updated version. But I can't figure out why it took them three months to receive something they said they got in April.

TTFN

Ramblin' Friday

They asked Zach to work tomorrow so he's going to do it because it's a six hour day. He normally only gets 2. And today the general manager went off on all the crew and threatened to hire more people to shorten their hours. I had told Zach a week ago that's what she was doing. I'm glad he's going to be out of there soon.

A pet peeve of mine: going into a public bathroom where there are 16 empty stalls only to have the next person come in and take the one immediately next to mine. Hello? Privacy anyone? I admit I'm a very private person when it comes to intimate things. But, really! Right next to me?

I want some rain. Enough to fill my rain barrel, water my plants and clean up some of the dust from the detour. My windows (and I'm a few blocks away from the construction) are dusty and since I'm not one to actually wash them, believing that's what rain is for, I'm a bit put out that I might actually have to wash them in order to see out.

Mr. Yappy has been fairly quiet today...until I decided to take a short nap before I took Zach to work. Then he decided to have his hysterics over a neighbor walking her dog two blocks down.

I got more books from the library today so I plan on reading a lot this weekend. I didn't knit much the past few days. Or watch much television. I'm about halfway through Master of Souls, another Sister Fidelma mystery. Just started Jesus, Interrupted by Bart Ehrman. I finished his other book, Misquoting Jesus, last night. I also read...mostly...Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna. Loved the Erhman book. Hated Pagan Christianity. It was boring and quite erroneous about several points of church history, but why let the facts get in the way of making your point? He let the blatant aspects of paganism in Christianity go unnoticed but laid claim that the church building, the choir, the incense (hello? Revelation, anyone?), paid clergy, hierarchy and dressing up for church was all pagan in origin. His point being that home church was the only correct way to worship.

I also got several Miss Read books. My priest recommended them and I absolutely love them. Very folksy, British and humorous. I'm so glad she wrote so many. Lots to read!

I'm not as cranky today because I actually got some sleep last night. Not as much as I would have liked but more than 5 and less than 7 hours. Still, I would love to just spend a day or two in bed. Just once.

I've got the rest of the groceries to put away and then I'm down for the night. Tom is having beef stew from a can for supper and I'm pretty sure he can handle that one himself. He has been known to be quite handy around the house.

TTFN

How do you solve a problem like Professor

Sing with me everyone!

The past day or so he has been nervous and nearly hysterical, barking, whining and clawing at the door. Our neighbors two doors down have three dogs they let run loose, and although they do tend to stay near their own yard, they also run into the street a lot and have been seen in our yard a time or two. The younger ones are both boys but the mom is there, too. Professor has been neutered although that doesn't seem to stop him having night-time rendezvous with his girlfriend, the stuffed dog. Zach can't stay in the room with him when the hanky-panky starts.

Another problem is that they (the neighbors) have, for the past two nights, had nightly conversations (at 3 a.m.) and while they don't yell, their voices do carry down to our house. Not loud enough to wake me, but enough to wake Mr. Yappy who then goes into hysteria, waking me up rather abruptly, and in some cases, permanently.

I've had less than 5 hours sleep per night all week. Last night I finally got 2 consecutive hours sleep from 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. when I was woke up from Tom loudly talking to Zach who was standing within two feet of him.

Tom doesn't believe in whispering. Seriously, he doesn't. When he would go to church with us, he would talk low, but loudly and think that no one else would hear him. If I mentioned to him that he was talking too loud, he would get offended.

Nearly every 20 minutes or so, Professor went nuts last night. I let him out once, thinking that if he wee'd he'd settle down but he caught the scent of some critter and wanted me to take him around the yard chasing it.

Not even on a bet.

All day today he's been going like this several times an hour, barking in a frenzy, crying and digging into the wood of the door wanting outside. When I let him out it's seconds before I have to make him come in again because he's barking frantically again.

I need sleep. I need quiet. I need a vacation.

I did try to nap a bit today. I got every bit of ten minutes before he started barking again.

Lack of sleep, as you all know, makes me cranky. And a cranky me isn't someone you want to be around. Even Zach is hiding in his room, forewarned by me about how cranky I really am.

Do they make doggie sedatives? 'Cause I need some.

It's nearly nine o'clock so I think I'm going to try to go to bed now even though it's still daylight outside. I don't have the television on so I'm listening to the songbirds out back. That should lull me to sleep in no time.

I'll clean up the kitchen tomorrow.

edited to add: I just figured out why Professor is acting nuts. Someone just shot off some fireworks a minute ago and he reacted to it. We've had a lot of activity around here lately and I wonder if that's why he's so nervous and antsy. Won't someone think of the pets?

TTFN

Why does one room get dirty when you clean another one?

I worked on my bedroom/living room again today. I didn't rearrange much; just moved the table the mice were on under a different window so I had more room if I leave the bed made up. And I dusted and vacuumed with more care than usual. I don't know what it is about a messy room, but I just don't sleep well in one. I'm not sure what I believe about feng shui but there is something about being in a room that makes you uncomfortable.

This is Zach's last week of work at McSnacky's. They didn't schedule him for his last week. I was pretty sure they wouldn't since they were only giving him 2 hours a day a couple of times a week. It's not like they considered him a critical worker. He told me that the managers sort of ganged up on another worker last time he worked and did to him what they did to Zach only in reverse. He was told not to jump in the line and find work but stay at his station. They got all frothy at the mouth over it like they did with Zach. This kid was used to having 20 hours a week last summer and has done well to get 10 this summer. I think it's horrendous how kids are being treated at these places. It's like they aren't real people.

I am beginning to wish I was a morning person. The other morning when I was still awake when the birds started singing and the sky was turning blue, I thought how nice it would be to wake up and have this be my beginning, when the day is brand new. Instead I wake up when it's stale. I don't know what it would take to get myself to that state. Probably medication.

But I also love the night. I love it when the day shuts down and it gets quiet and the night birds begin their song. I love to watch the bats swoop down chasing after mosquitoes. I always root for the bats. Living on a marsh means we get more than our fair share of mosquitoes. To the degree that it's hard to step outside your house without being lathered up with bug spray. I would definitely spend more time outdoors if it weren't for the critters that bite and spread diseases...like West Nile virus, which has been documented in this state.

I've got tons of books to read and lots to knit so I'm going to bed. I hope to get a lot of work done inside tomorrow. I think all the clutter in this house is really interfering with my calm. I hope to find a new home for some of it and soon.

TTFN

So when is the next lunar eclipse?

I read something a bit ago about how lunar eclipses tend to intensify energy levels and apparently we had a small one last night. That would explain why I couldn't get to sleep last night in spite of only getting 3 hours sleep Sunday night. And how I got up at 8 a.m. (after only 4 hours sleep) to take Professor out to wee and I'm still going strong. I did three loads of laundry, hung one out and another one will be hung out when I get around to making a trip down to the basement again and another one I dried in the dryer since we needed Zach's work shirts and I didn't feel like ironing them today.

Okay, not tons of energy but for me this is like the after-effects of an energy drink.

I'm planning on crashing in a few minutes. Just like I've planned my nervous collapse after Zach graduates from college. I only plan on taking three days for it though because if I take more than that, all the work I won't get done while having my collapse will still be waiting for me and I don't want to get further behind than that.

I really should have gotten more done than I did today but I don't want to push it. If I do too much, I'll be down for a couple of days recovering. I have been a bit achy today but I didn't want to take a tramadol because I am sleepy enough as it is and I have to drive Zach to work in a little bit.

I have my annual appointment with the surgeon next week and my rheumatologist the week after that. She's rescheduled me twice due to family emergencies. I don't mind at all. She's a great doctor and has always been very professional. The nurse said she was going to forgo her vacation days in order to catch up with the patients who had to be rescheduled. I wish more doctors were like that.

I managed to knit on the beaded scarf, the socks and the feather and fan shawl last night before I finally turned the light off. I'm still not sure what I want to do with the crocheted purse so I'm just setting it aside for now. And the friendship/fire shawl just needs the ends tucked in and it will be done. I really like it and plan on crocheting another shawl soon.

I brought the watering can in this morning so I could empty the dishpan full of water into it. I'm completely out of rain water and while it might rain on Wednesday (they've been promising rain for weeks now) I can't count on it. I also have to start working on cutting our electric usage, too. The bill was higher than I liked and we're not using the air conditioner upstairs this year. I'm not sure where the usage is coming from but I'm going to be more vigilant. Zach has a bad habit of leaving his bedroom light and fans on when he leaves and since he keeps his door shut all the time, I don't see it in time to do something about it. Tom tends to turn things on and leave the room as well. I'm not sure why, but he frequently will turn the television on and then go upstairs and turn the tv on up there, too. But he doesn't come back down for hours. I've gotten to the point where I'll turn the tv or light or whatever he turns on, off when he goes upstairs.

I don't usually have the tv on at all during the day unless I'm sitting down to knit or crochet. Or draw (and I haven't done that it weeks...shame on me.) I like the silence. Well, not silence since we live on a major highway and have dogs in the neighborhood (not to mention Mr. Yappy who lives here.) And there are plenty of crows in the neighborhood. I heard a woodpecker this morning while I was hanging out the clothes. Early mornings and late evenings I can hear the song birds.

Well, I think I might lie down and sleep for a tiny bit before I have to take Zach to work. I hope they don't schedule him for next week because I have that appointment with the surgeon and I don't want to have to reschedule it.

TTFN

Summer is back

It's warm but not hot and we never did get any rain. I used up the last of the rain water today on the plants. Well, it's not like I've got tons of plants to water anyway.

Zach put his two week notice in Friday. We'll see if they schedule him for the last week of employment. He could have toughed it out for another month but it just wasn't worth the money. He was only working two hours a day and with the drive there it didn't net a ton of profit. I didn't encourage him to quit this early but I didn't discourage it either. Ever since they changed managers he's been getting the short stick a lot and gotten chewed out for doing things he's been told to do by another manager. They don't have a lot of communication going on there. But then, I've noticed that most fast food places are just like this one.

We used to hang out a lot at Wendy's but the management there has gotten worse, too. I was in line last week for a drink and a hamburger and it took forever to get it because the manager was on the phone with his kids talking. A couple came in behind me and waited for a while, then walked out.

Eating out just isn't fun anymore. It's just as well, since with Zach not working we won't be tempted by the discount.

I'm considering going back to counting calories in order to lose weight. I'm so tired of being tired and feeling like I have no life. I read online the other day that diabetes causes fatigue so in addition to my fibromyalgia, which causes fatigue, my pain pills, which cause fatigue and my aromasin and other meds which also cause fatigue...it's a wonder I can function at all. I need my life back!

I didn't make it to church again today. That's another thing that seems to be stealing my life: insomnia. I can't function on little sleep but even if I don't nap during the day, I can't seem to sleep at night. I've tried turning the tv off and trying to sleep but my mind won't shut off and I get upset by finances, or other such upsetting things. It doesn't help that I sleep right by the front door and when Tom comes in at midnight, he really can't help making noise. I am a light sleeper so it wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep.

And there is no place else for me to sleep. The basement is far too damp and smelly and gets flooded when it rains too much. And there isn't an extra bed anymore since Tom tore apart the box springs to the queen bed. I really wish I had my own room. Or at least a bed I didn't have to put together and take apart every day.

I've been reading some books on Celtic Christianity lately. I'm finding that I just can't give up my Christianity. But I think I'm better for the journey I had to make to get back here. Fundamentalism really damaged me far more than I realized and I had trouble finding the good in Christianity anymore. I think Zach is still badly damaged though and I'm not sure what it will take for him to heal. I can only sit back and let him take his own journey. And be there for him if he needs me.

I discovered my dorset wool that I spun a couple of summers ago and am knitting a scarf for next winter. I did a really poor job of spinning but it was my first time. I got my Welsh top out and did some more spinning this weekend. It's a coarser roving so it needs to be used for something more utilitarian rather than clothing or something of that nature. I might make some hats from it but I'm told it doesn't felt well. Still, a wool hat is better than an acrylic one if I can wear it without all the itching I normally have. I haven't dyed any of it yet. I'm barely past the halfway point in my roving. I'm guessing I won't be done this summer if I don't get busy with it.

I don't like the purse I'm crocheting after all. I don't like the color and it's not as sturdy as I need it to be. It looks like I'll be making grocery bags after all. Those I can use for Christmas presents.

I tried to knit on the beaded scarf and ended up ripping back to where I started. Never knit lace when you're tired. Never. I did manage to knit another inch on the baby blanket though. Mostly though I'm not interested in anything. Another bout of depression, I guess. I wish I had the motivation to turn my life around.

Enough of the pity parties. I need to focus more on what I have rather than what I don't have. And I have an episode of Survivorman on tape that I haven't seen yet so I'm off to watch it and then it's How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria and True Blood. I'm getting supper from McSnacky's tonight since it's probably the last time we'll be able to use the discount.

TTFN

Happy Fourth of July

I do love my country. When I was in the Navy, I never saluted the flag without a tear in my eye. And I so appreciate the sacrifices that people have made to make us free.

But we are not the end-all, be-all of the world. Other people love their countries, too. Other people think their country is far superior to any other. Other people have fought and died for their freedoms, too.

I was raised in an era that believed that we were superior to everyone else and taught that in the schools to its children. We were taught that everyone wanted to come to the U.S. to live, that everyone looked to us for help, for answers, for aid. It never occurred to me that other people loved their countries the way we did.

During the Gulf War, when my husband was serving on board a ship that was not stationed in the Gulf but was nearby if needed, our church choir sang a song that has stuck with me ever since. It's sung to the tune Finlandia, a hauntingly beautiful tune. Written by Lloyd Stone, I know nothing of it except it's from a Methodist hymn book (or so I was told.)

So this is my wish for everyone today. That someday this song would be sung and meant by everyone in this country.

This is my song, O God of all the nations,

a song of peace for lands afar and mine.

This is my home, the country where my heart is;

here are my hopes, my dreams, my holy shrine;

but other hearts in other lands are beating

with hopes and dreams as true and high as mine

My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,

And sunlight beams on clover leaf and pine.

But other lands have sunlight too and clover,

And skies are everywhere as blue as mine.

This is my song O God of all the nations,

A song of peace for their land and for mine.

This is July?

I'm cranky. Less than four hours' sleep does that to me. And I had errands to run today including picking up my meds from the pharmacy. I don't dare take a nap this late though and I'm afraid I'm going to miss my window and be wide awake when it is reasonable to go to bed for the night.

I finished my shawl last night. It's called the Friendship Shawl or something like that. I'm not sure where the pattern is but if I find it, I'll put the link in when I get a picture of it. Tomorrow, I hope. It was too dark for pictures today. In fact, it looked like it was going to snow. And it didn't feel much warmer.

Okay it was a lot warmer but I was still in a sweatshirt and long pants. I think it was in the mid 50s F. And windy again. But still no rain. I'm down to three gallon jugs of water so I'm going to have to start using shower or dish water. I don't want to use fresh water for the plants unless I can help it.

I knitted one row of the baby blanket and was bored to tears. I'm so close to finishing it though and I don't want to lose interest in it. I am knitting some Christmas ornaments for the kids at church so I worked on that instead. I need to pull my dad's sock out of the cabinet and finish it. I'm on the foot part which is like sledding downhill. And I've got the purse to work on, too.

But not tonight. I would have to redo anything I worked on tonight. I can barely move.

So I'm off to water the plants and then clean up the kitchen, cook Tom's supper and then off to bed. I'll try to stay awake until 8 at least.

TTFN