Sunday, February 15, 2009

The start of yet another week

I'm having a hard time thinking of this as a knitting blog anymore.  I think it's evolved to be just a journal of...well...me.  Boring, whiney me.  I'm not knitting as much as I used to but I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I do tend to get obsessive about things and for a while, knitting was an obsession for me.  Now it's a hobby.  I think, for me (and I'm definitely not speaking for anyone else) that is the saner route.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't think people who live and breathe knitting are wrong in any way.  I'm just sayin' that for me, it's not healthy because of who I am.  I envy people who can do that, actually.  But my obsessions never last long (although knitting has lasted longer than any other obsession passion (yeah...let's call it a passion instead.)

I think I need to be more balanced in my life.

But I still knit with my shoes off.  'Cause I curl up on the couch or my bed and I don't like to do that with shoes on.

I'm also thinking starting a written journal as well, to talk about the more personal things I don't want to broadcast here.  Maybe I can deal with the depression and get some resolution with issues on the homefront.  I just can't be the person he wants me to be after all this time.  I can't just all of a sudden forget all the hurt and act like we're one big happy family.  The bottom line is, he just wants someone to play with because he's put all his energy into his extended family and now they're going their separate ways and he's all alone now.

And still it's him wanting me or Zach to do things he wants to do, not things we're interested in. I turned him down when he wanted me to go to a club with him and his sister and her boyfriend. Why would I want to socialize with someone who has verbally abused me, insulted my beliefs and accused me of child abuse because I homeschooled Zach?  This family doesn't believe in apologizing at all.  They simply bury it and expect everyone else to do the same.

Not to mention, I simply don't want to go out with Tom.  I don't want to pretend we're okay.  And we'll never be okay unless we can talk it out and we can't do that because at the first indication of criticism against him, he gets defensive and lashes out in a verbally abusive way. And I mean...mean.  As a result, I can't talk to him about our problems, which is exactly what he wants.  He's the master of head games, he is.  And he learned from the master...his father.  Whom he has become, to his denial.

Last night he asked me if any of my many medications would help me with the fatigue.  I told him no and he then suggested we go for walks in the morning.  I give up.  He doesn't understand that waking up feeling like you haven't rested at all doesn't make you feel like getting out of bed and walking at warp speed (although he said he would try to walk slower) first thing.  I know I need exercise but I'll do it on my own and not at his insistence.  It made me think that he's desperate to get me energetic and not for my own good.

Enough.  Someone in another blog blasted women who criticize their husbands publicly.  I briefly thought about deleting her blog from my list but for now, I'll keep it.  She's not married so she can't understand that sometimes, blogging about it is all that keeps you healthy.  I learned years ago not to talk about my problems to family members or acquaintences.  They don't care.  And if they offer you advice, which is mostly unusable, they'll wash their hands of you if you don't take it.  So you're screwed anyway you look at it.

I also found out today that my arch-nemesis, who loves to blog about her "military career," has, in fact a dishonorable discharge because she went awol.  I admit, I did a little gleeful dance because the next time, I will point out my sterling navy career of 7 years, my honorable discharge and the fact that she can't call herself a veteran and I can.

No, I won't.  I'm not really that snarky.  But I will titter a bit when I read it.

Church today was more like it used to be before I had a crisis of faith.  I've not started meditating yet, or even doing morning prayer, but I will try harder to fit it in.  I have no spiritual life to speak of and it leaves me empty.  I can't shake this interest in Brigid though.  I may have to do a lot more research into her.

Zach wants to see the doctor because he believes he's suffering from clinical depression.  I think so, too, so I will set him up for a physical.  Unfortunately they will take his blood and he's not good with needles.  Part of it is the OCD and part of it is his pain threshold is very low, mostly due to his Tourette's.  It's one of the many extra suitcases that come along with TS.  I think he can handle it but she's going to say something about his weight and he won't like that.  He's very sensitive about being overweight.  I'm working on making better choices for both of us but it's mostly my fault because I didn't teach him good habits.  He has the same bad issues with food that I have.

Still, he needs to start feeling better and anti-depressants will do that.  And maybe he'll even get into therapy.  They have that available at school free.

Off to fix supper (stir fry) and read the next book in the Inspector Kincaid/Gemma James mysteries.  They are really good.  And I finished Dr. Who season 2 yesterday.  Even Dr. Who confidential.  Now I'm watching David Tennant's video diaries (although I fell asleep during them last night.)  Then I'm going to take a break and watch Buffy for a while.  I've got tons of dvds and never really watch them because I get some from the library.  I am on the waiting list for Blue Murder season 3 and I want to get set 2 of Midsomer Murders (I think this is the 5th time through) although I wish they would get beyond set 9.  If I could afford it, I would do Netflix, but free is definitely more affordable even if I can't get the later series.

TTFN

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