I"m still here

It's frustrating waiting for news.  Especially when that news is about your health but apparently they're not going to tell me until my appointment in June.  So I guess I should stop waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm not doing all I should do to take better care of myself.  The diet was so restrictive I couldn't stay on it.  I was hungry and thirsty 24/7.  I need to find something more doable because this, like every other diet I've been on, has made me gain weight instead.

Today I'm not feeling well, a bit short of breath and just so very tired.  I forget that I still have the symptoms of this illness and think that since I have a diagnosis, I am on my way to being fixed.  In reality nothing has changed.  I still have the debilitating fatigue and everything I do is a supreme effort.

Last night we kept hearing sirens which is nothing unusual as we live on a major highway but these sirens kept stopping a short distance away.  Within a half hour I could smell smoke so I looked outside and there was a haze in the air.  The streetlight in front of our house had a gray halo around it and the car driving up the street had wisps of smoke in front of the headlights.  The apartment complex a block and a half west of us was on fire.  No one was killed and 2 people had smoke inhalation but Professor really suffered from the smoke in the air.  He laid down in the grass and just went limp.  I had to carry him inside and set him in front of the fan before he would respond.

I"m nearly done with Steph's socks.  Robyn's are finished but I'm going to send them together since it's cheaper that way.  I also started on a girl's sweater, using the yarn from the shawl I was knitting for my mom and didn't get done before she passed away.  I've got 2 more sweaters to donate to the library's drive for winter clothing next winter.  And a couple of baby blankets.  I'm also considering frogging the fair isle sweater I was knitting for myself.  I found a couple of other sweaters I like better.

I've been doing some reading although the library pile doesn't seem to be getting any smaller.  I keep adding to it.  I have moments when I can't seem to concentrate to read and the internet hasn't been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm sure I'm depressed by the diagnosis and inability to stay on a diet to save my life.  If dieting were that simple, no one would be overweight but it's not and I do wish people would understand that just eating less isn't necessarily the answer.  I had reached a point where I was gaining weight on 1200 calories a day.  That always happens to me...I reach a point where no matter how few calories I eat, my body starts hoarding the weight I already have.  I've tried eating even less and still can't lose.  A lot of exercise isn't an option for me right now.

Plus the overwhelming fatigue is a pain in the ass. 

And now it's hot.  We went from cold to hot with nothing in between.

Well, I'm going back to bed to lie down for a bit.  I'm supposed to rest every afternoon.

Pacing myself

I am exhausted.  The pace of early morning appointments seems to have slowed down for now, at least.  I had to be in Waupan at 9 a.m. for an appointment with the cardiologist on Friday and then in Fond du Lac at 6 a.m. on Monday.  Which meant we had to leave here at 5 a.m.  The stress test is done, though, and I just await the results, which I should be getting soon, I hope.  I saw the cardiologist briefly during the stress test, which is why I had it up in FdL, so he could be there.  They had pushed fluids on me for the test so I had used up my daily allotment before 10 a.m.  I was so tired that I overdid it on both food and liquids that day and ended up short of breath on Tuesday so I took a full Lasix instead of half, which the dr had reduced me to.  I dropped 5 of the 7 pounds I picked up that day.  I won't do that again.

I haven't done a lot of cleaning but I have been doing some cooking and a bit of laundry, although I don't carry it up and down the stairs.  Today I'm going to work on the dining room.  I think that will improve my mood more than anything else...having the main room clean.  Then some more laundry and some more cooking.  I'm fixing 2 meals at night...one for them and one for me.  Theirs is generally very simple to fix so it's not a lot of work.  Mine take a bit more thought.

I'm working on the purple sock for my baby sister.  I just got to the heel flap last night when I needed to just shut everything down and go to sleep.  I think I was snoring by 10 p.m.  Woke up at 8:30 a.m. but still didn't feel rested.  I can't recall the last time I did feel refreshed by sleep, though, so that's not surprising.  More knitting today but I also want to get busy on some other crafts as well.  I'd love to pick up my pencils again and get back into drawing.  I had gotten to a good point a couple of years ago and then just quit for some reason so I have to practically start over again now.  That's what has been putting me off of it...the whole starting over thing.

It's sunny and gorgeous here today.  I need to get the new clothesline up.  The winter snow destroyed the old one, breaking and generally grungy looking.  Zach will have to do it because I can walk and stuff but I can't lift and I think tugging on a clothesline is the equivalent of lifting.  I also need to refill the bird feeders and see if the baby birds have left their nests under the front awnings so I can extend them.  The sun is particularly bright in the front rooms.  I haven't heard any noises coming from the awnings in a couple of weeks so I hope they're gone by now.

Well, I think I'll go make my bed and put the clothes in the dryer for now.  And I will be taking my time cleaning.  No mad frenzies for me for a while.

Some answers

Just got back from the cardiologist's office with some answers.  Not a lot but some.  My heart is slightly enlarged but the valves are in good shape.  I have moderate heart failure but he thinks we can reverse it or at least most of it.  He thinks I might have blockage though so I have to have a stress test on Monday morning (at the obscene hour of 6 a.m.) and after that most likely a heart catheterization.  And then I'm guessing surgery after that.  He didn't really comment on that.

So I'm cleared for light exercise, working toward more intense exercise as I get better and light cleaning and cooking.  Maybe not so much today though as I'm really tired from the dr's appointment and the shopping we did afterward.  But it's good that I don't need to use the carts anymore or even the handicap placard.  Unless there isn't any parking within 400 yds, I'm thinking.  I know I can't walk from the back of the parking lot right now but I can't recall the last time I had to do that so I should be okay. 

I finished up Robyn's socks last night and looked at patterns for Steph's.  She liked the pink ones I knitted for our aunt so I might knit those in purple.  I can look around first before I decide though.

I should get back to the sweater as well, especially since it feels like winter again today.  It just requires more concentration which has been in short supply lately.

Well, off to fix myself some lunch and then a nap.  Maybe some light cleaning later. I figure I got the walking done at the store today.