Sad

I'm not particularly chatty tonight.  At least not about my daily drudgery.  I might be a bit vocal on some subjects but those will be written about elsewhere, on another blog.  This one is about a young man just a few short months younger than Zach.  Just 21 years old who will never get any older.

Jon was in Zach's youth group at the old fundie church we used to be members of.  There was a hint of things troubling him back in high school and the solutions were prayer and laying hands on him.  And setting impossible standards to live by.

I did say I wasn't going to be vocal on this subject here, didn't I?  Sorry.  I'm a bit angry because he and my son were both given the same platitudes and the same treatment about the different things that were troubling them.  Zach was honest and open with me about it all and I pulled him out of that toxic situation when I thought he might be contemplating suicide.  He wasn't, as it turned out, but I didn't want to risk it. 

I don't know what Jon's problems were at this age because we lost touch when we left that church.  But Tuesday night he attempted suicide and yesterday at 2:30 p.m. his attempt was successful.  On his memorial page everyone talks about how fun he was and how he always was joking and made them laugh.  And he was that.  He was a clown and very likable.  I don't know of anyone who didn't love Jon.

But now his family is reeling and trying to cope with the loss of the youngest son and brother.  I had only sympathy to offer because I couldn't bring myself to offer platitudes I didn't believe.  I'm sure it was enough, though.

This week alone in both my county and the Milwaukee area a teenager held his class and teacher hostage and then turned the gun on himself, a soldier/medic in Afghanistan was killed in a stupid and senseless war (he was 21), a young girl was driving at a high rate of speed and possibly not wearing a seat belt, flipped the car and died while nearly killing her 19 year old passenger (she was 21) and Jon left this world behind because at that moment, it was more than he could bear.

At that moment.  As much as I believe the PSAs telling kids it gets better is good, it doesn't help at that moment when the light at the end of a tunnel is just another train coming. For people like that they want an escape NOW.  They don't see a time when NOW is over and THEN...a better time and better circumstances...is the reality.

I remember an old Defenders episode where a developmentally delayed man was given a death sentence for a murder he didn't commit.  He didn't fight it because he thought it would end his troubles...those troubles being the constant harrassment and misery connected to the arrest, trial and sentencing.  After the sentence had been carried out, the lawyer (E.G. Marshall) read a note given to him by one of the guards, written by the young man.  He said he wanted to die because life was so unbearable.  But he didn't want to die forever.

I suspect that's what it was like for people like Jon.

Rest easy, Jon.  Enjoy the Summerlands and let your heart be at peace once and for all.  I'm lighting a special candle for you in addition to the one I have lit for the ancestors to find their way home.  I'm sorry there were no answers for you here.