Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Motivation isn't enough and neither is will-power

I survived my labs and the tech was amazing.  I have crappy veins after chemo so she's the only one who has ever been able to get any blood from my veins without trying three or four times, leaving pools of blood under my skin.  I look like a junkie when I get home.  But today she got it in one...not even a pinch of pain did I feel.

Now I have to get the labs back and get scolded for eating so badly.  I always imagine the conversations with the dr as being much worse than they actually are.  She's really very nice and supportive.  I know she'll try to talk me into anti-depressants again but I just can't give up the pain meds.  Not because I'm addicted, but because I had to live without pain meds for over 10 years of chronic, keep-me-awake or wake-me-up pain and I just won't go back there.  It wore me out so much that I couldn't function.  I'll try to find other, more natural ways.

And as the spa just isn't going to happen, I need to figure out how to eat differently without dieting because dieting is the reason I gained weight in the first place and the reason I started gaining again after over a year of minor weight loss.  If all I think about is food, all I want to do is eat.

I didn't get much sleep last night because I knew I had to get up for those labs.  I managed about 2 hours and haven't even taken a nap.  But I'm pretty sure by bedtime, I'll be wired again and wide awake.  I had watched some Destination: Truth while trying to get sleepy, two episodes that took place in jungles.  Just as I dozed off, my long hair fell across my face and I nearly fell out of bed trying to get away from the snake or spider or large insect I though was crawling on my face.  I should start tying my hair back when I sleep.  I end up sleeping on it or putting my elbow down on it when I turn over.  And you can bet that wakes me up.  My hair is thin enough.  I don't need to pull it out.

I just put supper in the oven so I'm waiting for Professor to go hide out in Zach's room.  A while back the smoke alarm went off when the oven was on...not because of a fire but because I had a smoke alarm in the basement next to the kitchen and it got a bit warm there.  It was terribly sensitive to any heat from the stove.  So Professor panicked and tried to get outside, crying and scratching at the door.  I had to take him around the block before I could get him back in.  So now when I use the oven and he feels any heat no matter how small, he makes a beeline for Zach's room.  We have a bet going on right now how long it will take.  I've got 5 minutes, Zach has 2.

I"ve got laundry going again.  Zach's OCD is acting  up and his sheets are making his skin crawl at night so he can't sleep.  I'm washing them again to see if softening them will help any.  I didn't use fabric softener sheets last time.  I will this time.  His tics are really bad these days but he won't go back on his haldol because of the side effects.  I just hope his Tourette's doesn't affect his job interviews.  I know the ADA says they can't refuse to hire him because of a disability but in this state you don't need a reason not to hire or fire a worker.  Hard to prove he didn't get a job because of a disability if all they say is he wasn't right for the job.  I haven't said anything to him about this because I don't want to add anymore stress to his life.  His confidence level is in the basement as it is.  Next week he goes job hunting and is going to get his new driving permit.

It's hard to have disabilities that people won't acknowledge or have problems that people won't admit are problems.  Sometimes I want to wield a large club when I go out and smack idiots upside the head when they insist all our problems can be fixed by trusting God or just doing it.  I do a lot of teeth gritting when talking to people these days.

But tonight is not a night for teeth-gritting.  The elections are over and no more robo-calls.  But I'm betting the nurse will all first thing tomorrow morning because they always do, to give me my lab results.  It's a couple of weeks before my physical and I don't need refills except for my metformin, which she's sure to increase the dosage of because of all the carbs I've eaten that have raised my A1C...yeah, betting that one is high, too.

If only there was a will-power pill, because I've used all I've got and it doesn't work.

Finishing up Destination: Truth on the dvr and I also dvr'd Zorro: The Gay Blade last night, too.  One of my favorite movies EVER.  I got it from the library so Zach could watch it a few months ago and he laughed until he cried.  Plus Toy Story 3 is OnDemand.  We'll get to that one tomorrow.  I hope.  I also hope to get busy on the house soon.  I'm still managing to keep up with what I got done on my last energy attack, although it's taken all I've had in me to do it, but I would love to make progress again.

Stop kicking yourself, Kathy!

I win the bet.  Professor is still out here.  Not that I win anything.  I just get to be right.

Well, off to do a sinkful of dishes before supper is ready and then get the dishwasher started.

TTFN

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