Now he wants us to go out on Saturday nights with his sister and her boyfriend. This is the sister that cornered me once and attacked and ridiculed the way I was raising Zach while Tom excused himself to go out in the backyard and smoke cigarettes and play with their dog. And later claim he didn't know they were going after me.
This is also the sister who spread lies about me.
Yep. These are the kinds of people I like to party with, for sure.
In 22 years of marriage I haven't had a single friend. He only wants me to be friends with his sisters (or sisters-in-law.)
And he's not shy about telling me he doesn't want to go places I like to go. Not at all. Yet when I do it, he gets sullen and mean-mouthed.
But I don't like to go out on Saturday nights at all. I generally take my shower and get ready for bed around 8 p.m. and lights out at 10. He made a snotty remark that we wouldn't stay out all night.
Plus, I don't like crowds. Or smoke-filled rooms. Or to be around people who are drinking a lot.
So I'm a nervous wreck trying to figure out a way to tell him no without him getting mad. I've lost sleep over this and am beating myself up because I'm such a wimp.
Then the dr's office called today. Actually it was the nurse, not the office itself. I went in to get my labs because my Crestor was running out. They didn't have the orders right. Insisted I only needed a Vitamin D check. I told them no, I needed a liver panel. Fortunately, the lab tech knows me and believed I knew what I was talking about so she took enough blood to cover the whole panel. Plus, she's great with my wasted veins.
Anyhoo...my labs came back terrible and the dr wants me to come in and discuss a different cholesterol medication. Like I've got $25 to just throw around every time she wants to talk to me. She acts like it's not a big deal, but it is to me. She wants me to bring my sugar diary in, too, but I haven't been taking my sugar lately and I'm not on the metformin anymore because I didn't like all the potential side effects.
I am so busted.
I'm tired of being force-fed all these chemicals. I know I need some of them. And I know I need to change some of my bad habits and try at least to get healthier.
And I know she's going to try to get me to go to a psychiatrist and get on anti-depressants but that just isn't going to happen. Knowing that one of the potential side effects of taking anti-depressants with tramadol is death is huge to me. I'm not going to risk it.
But I also don't want to live with this depression anymore. It's debilitating. It's turning me into a zombie. (And brains are high in cholesterol...I hope you get that joke.)
It's such a conundrum.
I've been withdrawing further and further inside myself and I'm not sure what to do about it. More and more I'm beginning to think that I just can't put up with this facade of a marriage and that I need to get out of it, but I can't until Zach is done with school. And that's another year at least. I feel like I'm barely holding it together.
I think I hate it much more when Tom is friendlier than I do when he's distant. At least then I'm left alone a lot instead of feeling like I have to be on my guard all the time.
I need a vacation. A serious vacation. I've never had one though. I might get a day once in a while that isn't as stressful or that I don't have as much to do, but I've never had a day when I had no housework or errand to run or something stressful to deal with.
A month after Zach graduates, I'm going to schedule my nervous breakdown. And it's going to last at least a month.
I finished the shawl. It was a fern stitch pattern, knit in two identical pieces and grafted together. I really liked the effect since the rippled ends matched. Unfortunately, I had trouble concentrating on it because Tom picked that moment to play with Professor who always runs to me for protection from him. And Tom always plays with him when I've got knitting in my hands. It really scares me when I'm knitting socks though because I'm terrified Professor will get poked in the eye. But as usual, Tom never listens to my concerns about it and does what he wants.
The woman who got it was perfect for it. She wears a lot of red and the shawl was a lovely deep red in Red Heart Plush.
I had to start another one immediately so I went to the store and got some Vanna's Choice. I'm still running into knots, but I just cut and start a new piece.
I had trouble sleeping last night and when I finally got to sleep, Professor woke me up needing to go out. Then Hannibal wanted to sleep in my arms all night and kept touching my face with his paws, sometimes with the claws extended. I can't count the number of times he's hooked my nose or lip with his claws. So I was a bit wary and kept waking up every time his leg extended toward my face.
There is a universal conspiracy to deprive me of sleep.
And no, I'm not paranoid.
My arch-nemesis is back on Ravelry. I just can't post when she does. I read her blogs now and then because it's like a train wreck. You just can't help but stop and gawk. But her ideas are dangerous because she thinks she's this great authority and apparently has a following. Right now she's having a hissy fit because people are insisting she back up her "facts" with resources instead of using experiential "evidence."
And omg...she's pregnant again. Don't get me started.
Well, I'm off to knit because I finally have a bit of knitting mojo and want to ride the wave while I can. Plus, I'm having some Dr. Who withdrawal. I'm hooked now. I'm thinking of becoming a fanatic if I can muster up the energy. At the very least, as soon as I've got the whole Buffy collection, I might start up on Dr. Who followed by Torchwood.
I hope I feel more positive tomorrow. My appointment is Thursday so I'm out of cholesterol medicine until then at least. I hate these panic attacks because the dr has me convinced I'm about to die from a heart attack, yet I can't seem to do anything to get healthier.
TTFN
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