R.I.P.

Yesterday was pretty emotional for me.  Wee one stopped eating and while I was holding him trying to get him to eat, he just shuddered ever so slightly and crossed over the rainbow bridge.  I couldn't believe he was gone and sat there stunned for a moment.  

One of my curses is that I seem to be empathic.  I don't just feel sorry for people or animals.  I feel what they go through.  I really feel it. So I sat there in the car and sobbed.  And I still tear up a bit when I think of how he died.  It just got to me so much.  And I felt guilty about it, too.  Feeling like if I hadn't tried to get him to eat, he would have lived a few hours longer anyway.

But the truth is, I think  he had a skull fracture.  His wee head was caved in over his right eye and I don't think he would have lasted anyway.  But I still feel like it was my fault.

I'm still grieving over my cat of 17 years and she died two years ago.  I had her put down because she had multiple organ failure and I didn't want her to suffer, but I still feel like a murderer.  I was going to bury little bit by her grave in our back yard, but instead I put him under some mulch around a tree I park near at Moraine Park in Fond du Lac.  

Circle of life and all.

So for therapy I went out today and bought a bunch of yarn on sale at Stuff Mart.  I got enough of the Plush that I had already bought to make myself a sweater because a) I love the color and texture and b) I need some clothes for church.  

So I cast on Fashionista Cardigan from Knit 'n Style, August 2007.  It's a pretty simple cardigan, which I need right now.  Something that doesn't require a lot of concentration.  The back is pretty standard, but the front is somewhat circular with a garter stitch button band and only one button, meeting in the middle.

I'm making it a size smaller than I wear because I have to get this weight off.  I'm going to go on a protein heavy diet, probably South Beach, because I've had to watch my blood sugar these past couple of weeks for the doctor and my sugar was excellent the day I ate that way.  Other days, it was okay but not great.

I also need to live a long time because that will be my revenge for some of the crap I've had to put up with in my life.  I plan on outliving those who are making me miserable.

I'm going to finish up the neck on Zach's sweater tonight and start the sleeves tomorrow.  It's getting cool enough he needs them.  I also have to put plastic on the windows this weekend and get the winter stuff out of the bins in the basement and air them out.  It's finally fall here with winter right around the corner.

One of my purchases today was some Lion Brand Homespun for a prayer shawl since I've stolen the red Plush to make a sweater.  This is a chocolate brown with some color variations that will go well for anyone.  I'm thinking of making a lapghan instead this time for one of the older gentlemen in our parish.  Not sure yet.  It does seem to be screaming shawl though.

Another purchase was a couple of skeins of Caron Simply Soft Tweed in a purple.  That might be for Christmas.  Don't know for sure.  I think there's enough for a hat and mitts.  Or a scarf and mitts.  I'm sure it will let me know soon since Christmas is around the corner (and no one has drawn names in Tom's side of the family yet.)

I'm way behind on email so I apologize ahead of time to those I owe email to.  This schedule is grueling in many ways.  I'm having to pick up the slack on some of Zach's chores because he doesn't have time for all of them anymore and all of my own work as well.  He's doing what he can and has never given me any grief in that department.  He has Monday afternoon off but he has some errands to run and that's the only time he has for that so there is no time for him to rake the yard because he works all weekend.

So I have to do it. And it has to get done so...there you are.

Just think of all the exercise I'll get done.

Monday, we're also getting a couple of mice from the pet store (and this is a pet store that doesn't deal with breeders...what they sell is mostly rescues so I like to shop there...plus they called today to see how the bitty one was and commiserated with me when I told them he was gone.)  I find that I really need to have a pair right now to help get over this really stupid heartache.  I got the old aquarium out of the basement from when we had the anoles...complete with wire top...and cleaned it up.  I bought some of the stuff but Zach is going to get the mice and the bedding with his first pay check.  He wouldn't let me buy it all.

And lest anyone think I have forgotten the Professor...he's been super cuddly the past two days. It's so odd how they know.  A few weeks ago he got into the trash and got a chicken bone.  I got it from him (over protest) and scolded him (mostly out of fear for his safety.)  Tonight, Hannibal knocked a chicken bone off the counter to him and when I walked into my bedroom, Professor was standing there with this thigh bone in his mouth looking very guilty.  When I asked him what he had, he dropped it immediately and hung his head.

I laughed.  And I really needed that laugh.  I took it from him and gave him a treat instead so he was happy.

Well, I'm off to bed and knit some more and watch Sanctuary and Ghost Whisperer, which I taped earlier.

And finish up Wire in the Blood, season 3.

And maybe read a bit.

And...oh, yeah...most likely sleep.