The day I crashed

Talk about a bad night. I didn't get any sleep and had to be at church this morning to finish setting up for communion. I didn't know who to call at that late date to replace me so I went ahead and went to church. But as I was sitting there waiting for church to start I began shaking, like I was weak, and my stomach felt upset. I knew it was from exhaustion and knew if I waited until after church I wouldn't be safe to drive. So I asked one of the other ladies to take care of the clean up after service and I would switch with her next week, then I drove home carefully (and with much babbling that kept me awake) and slept for about 4 hours.

I know my work load looks like nothing. I mean, I sit in the car for hours. But I do a lot of work here at the house and put in more than 8 hours a day even if it's not hard labor. On the sleep front, not a lot of it going on. The dog keeps waking me up with hysterical barking and when I finally get to sleep, Tom wakes me up when he comes home because the door is right beside where I sleep and I'm a light sleeper.

Needless to say, I was averaging less than 4 hours a night of sleep last week and having a completely sleepness night just threw me over the edge and I had a mini breakdown of sorts.

I'm still groggy but I'll try to just tough it out and hopefully go to sleep early. My annual physical is Tuesday morning and I am really anxious about it because of all the weight gain and the fact I haven't been taking my cholesterol meds. I hope I sleep tomorrow night because I have to drive to Fond du Lac that afternoon. Zach fixed supper tonight so that was a huge help.

And what I want to know is who takes the last package of crackers out of the box and leaves the box in the pantry? Hmmmm?

I'm too tired to knit tonight and I hate that but I need to stop pushing myself and let myself get over these insomniac and fatigue spells.

I've also been doing a lot of soul searching and while that's not for this blog, it's been eye-opening how much I just accept about my life and how much I postpone fixing until I "lose this weight." I'm tired of waiting until I'm "perfect" to be the person I want to be. I hate how I look: I have one arm twice the size of the other due to lymphedema, one breast doesn't match the other because I gained weight since I got the prosthesis, and my stomach is bigger than it was when I delivered my last child. I feel like a freak and treat myself like one. I wear clothes that are shabby and stained all the time, except for church, and there I only have a couple of outfits to wear. And those don't really flatter me at all.

One thing I love about British television and movies is they don't have that impossible woman playing the starring role. She's sometimes a bit overweight...at least by Hollywood standards, her teeth aren't always white and impossibly straight, she's not always under 30 and she has obvious flaws that make her more human. As someone with crooked, yellowish teeth, I've been self-conscious my whole life and afraid to smile much because of Hollywood teeth. I never had the money to spend on my smile.

British television seems to value the older woman a lot more than Hollywood or American tv does. I mean...Diana Rigg is still HOT!!! Dame Judith Dench? Patricia Routledge? Sian Phillips? Julie Walters? And let's not forget Helen Mirren! These women are still getting some prime roles. Our country puts women out to pasture when they get past 40, unless they're good at not aging.

Well, enough self-pity for one post. It's time to go put my jammies on and put my feet up. And maybe dig my journal out and start writing in it again.

I hope to do a lot of knitting tomorrow.

TTFN