I'll never need to buy yarn again

I think I'm going to be knitting on the same skein of yarn for the next ten years. Once again I frogged the project I was working on and started something new. I found a leaflet for Red Heart Yarn from years ago for two shawls, one knitted and one crocheted. The knitted pattern is mostly diamond-lace pattern but I've been wanting to knit it for years but kept losing the pattern.

I wasn't crazy about the sweater I've been knitting. It looked okay but was boringly uninteresting to knit. Since I temporarily lost my cable needle, I took that as a sign I wasn't supposed to be knitting that sweater anyway.

Besides, I need to work on shawls for a while. I almost bought some Lion Homespun Friday. It was a lovely blue with subtle greens in it but I couldn't do it with the huge stash of yarn I already have.

The walk the other day was hazardous and definitely not good. As I've said before, we live on the side of a hill and pretty much have to go downhill to go uphill anywhere because of the weird design of our streets. It's rather circular and while it does branch off, it opens only to the highway, a real bother for walking although there is a sidewalk that sneaks off to another subdivision. It does feel a lot like walking across someone's yard though. And in normal weather I have the option of carrying Professor across the school yard since I can't walk him across since NO DOGS ALLOWED is plastered everywhere.

I digress. The walk was miserable. Ice across the sidewalks, too dangerous to walk in the street because of the hill and curves. Poor Professor was slipping all over the place and even fell once. I ended up carrying him back up the hill because he just gave up. I, having fallen twice this year, felt very apprehensive walking over several yards of solid ice with no place to go around.

And you can't buy salt anymore. No one has it.

So I'm hoping the ice will melt this week with the warmer temps on the way. Our driveway is a solid sheet of ice and it's on a hill so when you get out of the car, you slide down the driveway before you can shut the door. Or at least I do.

I started taking St. John's Wort yesterday. The depression is getting so bad I can barely get out of bed. Missed church yet again today but that was partly because Tom fell sleep on the couch last night and snored, talked and flailed around so much he kept waking me up. He knows he does this and that I can't sleep but won't go up to his own room.

Then this morning asked me if I was done going to church since I hadn't gone for two weeks.

What?

He keeps me up all night with his racket and makes snide remarks because I can't get up to go to church?

When I was sitting in the parking lot Friday I was thinking about my living situation and the problems I'm having dealing with my fibromyalgia flare-up, depression and insomnia. When I was going through chemo, Tom treated me like I was the most selfish person in the world. In fact, he even told me how selfish I was. At one time he had a backache and just mentioned it in passing. I was doing dishes one night, mostly in a chemo fog, not feeling at all well, when he turned on me and said,

"My back isn't doing any better. Thanks for asking."

I didn't have a clue what he meant so I asked him. Then he went on a tirade about how I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't pay any attention to him and how his back was killing him but I cared so little about him that I didn't even ask him how he felt. He went on about how selfish I was and that this wasn't about me.

I was dumbstruck. I had had to put up with these tirades all through the chemo process but this was one of the worst.

What brought this to mind is that I've been slipping away emotionally for several months now. My fatigue level is almost off the scale, I'm eating pain pills regularly and my depression is no secret. He hasn't asked me one time in the past year how I felt.

And what was so hypocritical about his attitude while I was going through chemo was that a month after that I was in bed with a 103 degree fever and he didn't even look in on me for a week. Zach made me sandwiches and made sure I had something to drink. I got out of bed and took myself to the doctor when my fever got too high. At one point I was so out of it that I took an extra antibiotic instead of a pain pill because I couldn't even read the bottles. As it turned out, I think that helped me finally break the fever.

He won't acknowledge that he was anything but supportive to me and got bent out of shape when I told someone how alone I felt during my cancer treatment.

Okay, shutting up about this.

One of these days I will have something interesting to post about knitting. I'm just in the blahs right now.

Spring will be here soon though.

TTFN