More whining

The boys got rowdy the other night and one of them got hurt. Hannibal was chasing Professor (which the Prof loves) but when Professor tried to jump up on the couch, Hannibal caught him and he landed really hard on his back leg and has been limping ever since. Now when Hannibal comes around to comfort him, he slinks away. I've been babying him because it's what I do but I have made sure he walked on it some.

Today he's gotten a bit frisky and while he still wants nothing to do with the cat, he played with his toys for a bit.

I've been working exclusively on the sabbatical sock (no pictures unless you wade back through old posts) and am on the second sock. I just needed something mindless to do for a while.

Tom wanted to talk yesterday about salvaging our relationship so, like a fool, I sat down to discuss it. I could have written the script. He gets vicious whenever you even hint at criticizing him and of course, everything is all my fault. I never claimed to be perfect or without blame in the problems in our marriage, but he is verbally brutal and blames me for all of it.

He blamed me for Zach being gay. He basically said I talked him into it and that I don't care at all about the "miserable life he's got ahead of him." Never mind there are many gays out there who are happy and whole. And that Zach came to his realization all by himself.

I'm the reason we aren't close as a family because of a myriad of reasons, the biggest being we don't eat together as a family. He sleeps until 8 p.m. I'm not waiting dinner that long and when school is in session, Zach is frequently in class in the evening.

I spent the evening a bit shell-shocked from the vehemence of his diatribe. As always, once he gets me crying, he feels better. It's like a release for him.

He even made a joke about it last night before he went to bed.

I was up until 5 a.m. though. Knitting on the sabbatical sock. Staring into space and wondering what the heck I'm going to do.

I also found out he went to Zach and told him that I was the reason he and Zach didn't have a relationship. Yeah...he blames me for interfering in their relationship but look what he tries to do to mine. Apparently I threatened to leave and take Zach away if Tom didn't leave him alone.

Sorry, but that's not the truth. Not by a long shot. Good thing Zach didn't believe him.

I'm going to Moraine Park this week to see about the certified nursing assistant program. I may need to be on my own for a while.

And I really don't care if he reads this. He's acting today like we're one big happy family because he "needed to vent like that."

And he's never sorry about anything no matter what he says. Again, I could write the script. After he got it all out he told me he was sorry but he could have been saying he was going to go take a nap for all the remorse. But he insists if he says he's sorry, I'm supposed to believe him no matter what his body language or tone of voice says. (And scarily enough, he's going to do some studying on body language this week.)

I know I'm probably running off the few remaining readers but I really have no one to talk to. My family doesn't want to hear it and I have no friends in real life. Haven't had any in 21 years of marriage.

Tom says that's because I don't believe anyone is good enough to be my friend. Again...everything is my fault. I can't have anyone over, is one problem. He's always here unless we're asleep (he works third shift.) And he hovers. I have no privacy at all.

Truth is, I don't think I'm the one who is good enough to be anyone's friend.

Whine, whine, whine.

So sorry. Off to my pity party.